


I Choose Life

by DesolateDreamer



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Binge Drinking, Depression, Drinking, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fireworks, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, Panic Attacks, Romance, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:00:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27374617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesolateDreamer/pseuds/DesolateDreamer
Summary: After moving back home from university, Leilani is studying for her Masters. She's just fine pretending there's nothing wrong with her, until she meets the local lonely empath. Jasper/OC. Set in England. AU. Writing for NaNoWriMo 2020. TW!Depression, anxiety attacks, mental health issues, suicidal thoughts, possible suicide attempt, possible self harm. Read at your own risk.
Relationships: Jasper Hale/Original Character(s), Jasper Hale/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 55





	1. Chance

**Author's Note:**

> A few notes about this story:
> 
> There are trigger warnings in the description for a reason. Please read with caution if you think these issues will affect you. I only write as I have gone through these things myself and wish to share, especially if others might enjoy reading this story. If you don't think this is for you, please don't read. I don't want to cause anyone pain or discomfort.
> 
> Things that may/probably will be included in this story: depression, anxiety attacks, self-harm, talks of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, a suicide attempt.
> 
> If you are prepared to continue reading, I hope you enjoy.

**Leilani**

It didn't matter how many times my friends told me there was nothing to be ashamed of, coming home was humiliating. The video chat with my parents was hard enough.

"So, why didn't the shop job work out exactly?" my dad asked, the pixelated frown making his wrinkles even more prominent than usual.

I swallowed and took a breath. "They don't need me anymore." It wasn't a lie. Being let go definitely meant they wouldn't need me anymore.

"Redundancy then. I hope they are paying you for that, Leilani." He said at once, always up to date with the laws.

"No, dad," I sighed. "You don't get redundancy for being a temp."

He shook his head. "I knew that place wasn't good enough for you. You can do better than selling sweat shop clothes."

"Sorry," my mum smiled sadly. "You'll find something else."

Yeah, the third job in six months. Just the idea of a fourth made me want to drop off the face of the Earth. I tried not to fall apart yet, and forced the next words to come out of my mouth. It was now or never. "Actually, I was hoping that maybe I could," I paused, "come home?"

"Of course, love," my mum said.

My dad raised his eyebrows a bit, surprised. "What about your Masters?"

"I've spoken to Uni," I replied, quickly. "They said I can transfer and finish up my dissertation and everything at Metro Uni. Since I'm not that far into the course it would be fine. I'd just have to catch up with some lectures which wouldn't be too bad."

My parents glanced at each other. I could tell neither of them were expecting me to come back after Uni, especially since I had shouted "I'm never coming back to this city" in the street outside one drunken night.

"Leilani," my mum said gently, which is how I knew she was going to say something difficult. "If I come and pick you up and bring you home, and once everything's cleared with your landlord-. You know it wouldn't really be possible to change your mind? We need to know now; this is something you want to happen?"

I leant back into the pillows against the headboard of my bed and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I want to come home. Please."

"This hasn't got anything to do with that boy has it?" my dad cut in.

"Lewis?" I laughed, "No." Yes. Ok, not completely. Just slightly. It was him, my ex-boyfriend, who made me realise how messed up I was in the first place. Which led me to think about how messed up I was so much I couldn't hold down a job for more than a few weeks anymore.

My mum didn't look convinced. "Really?"

"No," I said again. "It's me, it's-," I chewed my bottom lip. "I think there's something wrong with me."

My dad shook his head, "There's nothing wrong with you, Leilani."

"Ok."

"Everyone goes through difficult times." He said.

I found that hard to believe, but I didn't have the energy to argue with him. Even if a medical professional told him I was dying, he wouldn't believe them so long as I looked vaguely human.

"So, I can still come home, right?" I asked again.

My mum nodded, "Yes, of course. I'll come and pick you up."

* * *

A few days later all my stuff was packed and sorted out the flat with my housemates so I was no longer officially living there anymore. When my mum showed up at the door, my friend Evie helped me carry down my suitcase and boxes to the car.

In tears, she gave me a tight hug. "I'm really gunna miss you Lani," Evie cried.

"I love you," I told her, squeezing her back. "So much."

"I love you, too," she reluctantly let go, wiping her damp cheeks. "You'd better message me when you get there."

"I will," I promised, giving her one last hug goodbye.

I had no idea when I'd see her again. The drive would take six hours, which is why it would be so difficult for me to come back if I ever wanted to. I had no idea if I would. No idea if I even wanted to. Of course, I'd miss Evie and my other friends, but they would survive without me. And from past experience, usually moving away means an eventual decline in friendship over time.

After a few hours of talking in the car, we eventually ran out of things to say and I put my earphones in to listen to some music on my phone. I looked out the window, watching the built-up areas become countryside. My family lived outside a tiny city, amongst open fields and woodland areas. It wasn't too far from the coast either, meaning beach trips if the weather ever allowed it.

As we neared my new/old home, we travelled down a long winding road, with huge drives coming off it leading up to 'small' mansions. After a few more turns we had arrived.

Our house wasn't like one of those fancy mansions, but it wasn't small either. Thanks to my dad's job at the local authority, my family lived in a medium sized two-storey detached house, complete with a garden and garage large enough for both my parent's cars.

Naturally, my dad's car was missing when my mum pulled into the garage. He was almost always working.

My mum stopped the car and sighed. "Let's order dinner tonight, shall we? I'm exhausted."

I smiled and nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

She helped me bring all my things into the hallway and sat down on the sofa in the living room with her phone out to order the food. Picking up my suitcase I heaved it up the stairs to my old bedroom.

It overlooked the drive out the front and I was glad to see my soft black curtains were still hanging up. On the double mattress lay a pile of bed sheets and an uncovered duvet with some pillows. I left my suitcase near the door, taking in the space and remembering some of the time I'd spent in there.

The room smelt a bit dusty, so I sat down on the white cushioned window seat and opened one of the windows. I rested my back against the wall beside where the curtain was tucked and looked out into the night, deeply breathing in the cool air. I let it wash over my sweaty face, using one finger to push my glasses up my nose.

 _I'm alone_ , I thought. Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing? Maybe it would be a good thing? At least with no one, there would be no one to feel sad if something were to happen to me, or if I was to disappear.

I glanced downwards at the drive below, wondering.

Nah, I wouldn't die. I might not even break anything.

What was I doing?

I closed my eyes for a few seconds, taking another deep breath, before pulling the window back so it was only open a few inches.

Turning back to the suitcase, I began to unpack.

Later, my mum and I ate pizza in front of the TV and I sent a message to Evie, letting her know that I had arrived. She sent me a few sobbing emojis.

After dinner, I had a shower and changed into my pyjamas and kept going. I was worried that if I stopped to take a break, all my emotions would come tumbling out into the open. I set up my games consoles and put away all my games on my inbuilt shelves around my TV. I put away all my Uni stuff into my desk drawers, put my laptop on the top of the desk, hung up all my clothes, and made my bed. Everything was basically put away. I didn't have much stuff.

Finally, I flopped down onto my bed. It was only nine pm, but I didn't feel like playing anything. I never did these days. Instead I slid under the covers with my phone and carried on watching some Let's Play of a roleplaying game online. There was over a hundred hours of videos which the user had uploaded so it was a good way to kill some time, although it made me feel bad if I watched it too long.

Despite how much I'd done, and all the travelling that day, it still took forever to get to sleep. It was past midnight when my eyes began to close and I couldn't concentrate on the video anymore. I paused it, put my phone on my bedside table and rolled over to go to sleep.

The next day I was wide awake when the sky was still dimly blue between the cracks in the curtains. Before even checking my phone, I guessed it was around five, which turned out to be correct. With a groan, I proceeded to scroll through social media and watched videos for a couple of hours. I didn't get out of bed until it was a 'normal' time to make a cup of tea.

"What are you going to do today?" my mum asked me as she ate from a bowl of cereal in her coat. It was a Monday so she was going to be working.

I shrugged, blowing on my scalding hot tea and leaning against one of the counters.

"You could go for a walk? Maybe go into the city?" she suggested, turning her back to me so she could rise her bowl in the sink.

"Maybe." I said, listening to the water gushing from the tap.

She opened the dishwasher and put the bowl inside.

"See you later, Leilani," she smiled, grabbed her handbag and left. I heard the front door shut and her car pulling out of the driveway.

I looked at the clock. It was barely eight. What now?

* * *

**Jasper**

Emmett slapped the side of the machine maybe a little too hard as I felt the vibration of the impact.

"You're a cheater." He exclaimed, a sour tone in his voice, but his eyes were full of warmth and I felt his humour. "Or maybe this thing is busted."

I rolled my eyes at him, leaning back in the seat and crossing my arms. "We've been over this. There is some element of chance in these things. It's not all skill, you know."

"No," he shook his head. "That's bullshit. There's no way. I totally cut you off and you still- ugh!" Emmett sat down in the seat at the other machine next to me. "No way. Rematch. Now."

I laughed. "Alright, it's your time."

He raised his eyebrows at me, looking very serious. "And you know my time is unlimited. Yep, we're gunna be here a while."

"Sure." I put a coin into the machine and waited for the game to start.

Emmett and I had made a habit of coming to the arcade after our Monday lectures since we had the rest of the day free. It was often pretty empty during the week so we could just chill out without too many prying eyes.

Just as the timer was counting down from thirty seconds, I saw someone else sit down at the end of the row and slide a coin into the machine. The screen changed to show that Emmett and I wouldn't be racing each other alone as a third driver popped up.

Emmett nudged me with his elbow and glanced at the girl at the end of the row. She looked our way, smiling and showing some cute dimples in her cheeks. My gaze lingered on her for a couple of seconds as I gave her a small smile back. I couldn't help it.

There wasn't much time, however, as the game began to start. I could feel Emmett's anticipation and excitement building as he already began pushing against the accelerator. I waited calmly, ready to go.

Three, two, one. The animated woman in a red miniskirt and matching crop top waved the flags and we were off. I smirked as I overtook Emmett almost immediately. A small growl came from his throat as he leant forward, almost like he was trying to make his car go faster.

I turned the corner, knocking over a lamppost and effectively shaving off a few seconds, except my smirk was soon wiped from my face. From the right a red car shot into me, scraping all down the side and cutting me off.

I glanced over at the girl, her unblinking eyes staring at the screen from behind her large glasses in concentration. I could hardly describe her emotions other than: fucking amazing. She felt unbelievable. It was nearly too much.

She was ahead of me now, speeding down the road in front.

"Ha!" Emmett shouted upon seeing the rankings on the right side of the screen.

I gripped the wheel. I couldn't lose to a human. I'd never live it down.

Pressing the accelerator as flat as it would go, I raced forwards, cutting every corner I could. Emmett was basically tailing me.

The bridge at the end of the track began to raise, ready for us to jump it, but I could already see a flash of red pixels flying over. Emmett was about to overtake me as well. I forced myself to concentrate so I at least wouldn't lose to him.

It wasn't enough.

Emmett made the jump on my left and was inches in front of me. On the left I saw the red car hit the finish, and seconds later Emmett followed with me milliseconds behind him.

Hands still on the steering wheel, I stared at the screen, barely taking in the animations. The rankings appeared and I saw she had been seconds ahead, with Emmett and I only two milliseconds apart. I frowned while my brother laughed like a maniac next to me.

"Bad luck, Jasper." He slapped my shoulder. "There is just that element of chance in these things."

I shook my head, "Shut up."

Past him I saw the girl leaning back in her seat and smiling brightly. She turned our way, smug. I couldn't blame her. She'd just beaten two vampires.

Emmett saw me looking at her, his eyebrows raised again. His expression was complete with an encouraging smile. "Come on. Go talk to her," he said, quietly enough that she wouldn't hear him. Not that it was difficult with all the noise from the arcade machines and the music.

"I can't." I told him.

"Why not? She just beat the crap out of us. Least we can do is say hi."

"What if-," But I didn't get to speculate what if, as she was making her way towards us. True, I could have spoken low so she wouldn't hear, however her wave of emotions became more intense the closer she got.

It wasn't just pride, there was anxiety, curiosity, loneliness, attraction, enjoyment, and a great sadness. There was a lot to take, like a large tumble of earth falling down onto me, trying to bury me. How could there be so much from such a young and pretty girl? She had to be at least twenty.

She smiled, a little nervous as she stood next to us.

"Hey," Emmett grinned, standing up and leaning on the seat so he wasn't towering over her, though he was still a foot above her.

"Hi," she said, playing with the strap on her tiny black shoulder bag. "Good game."

"Oh yeah, it was great." Emmett laughed. "I finally got to beat my bro."

She relaxed a little, seeing that we were friendly.

"It was a fluke." I shrugged. "I'm sure I'll beat you next time."

"You can't beat me if I never play you again." Emmett tapped the side of his temple.

She giggled, the sadness fading a bit into the background.

"What are you? Pussy?" I teased him.

Emmett's eyes widened. "Are you serious? Jas."

I twirled a pound coin between my fingers and then held it out towards him.

"Shit." He took it and put it into the machine before turning back to the girl. "You've gotta help me?"

"Ok," she nodded and took a seat on Emmett's other side.

Now there was twice the anticipation. I could hear her heart beating the adrenaline in her body as the game started up again. This time she was off as soon as the flags dropped.

"Oh ho oooooh," Emmett laughed, thoroughly enjoying it. I supposed he was happy to finally find someone who would be a challenge for me.

It was a fluke though. Surely. She couldn't win again. It was chance. These machines always played things up a bit to get you to pay more and try again. That's all it was.

The rankings came up. I was second. Just behind that girl again.

She let out a breath. "Beginners luck, I guess?"

I stared at her. "There's no way this is the first time you've played this game."

She brushed some of her short purple hair out of her face. It was just a bit longer than Alice's, covering her ears and going down her neck where it had grown out. "Well," she paused. "The first time in this arcade… on these machines."

Emmett snorted. "I knew it. What's your name by the way? I'm Emmett. This is Jasper."

"Leilani." She answered.

"Do you live here?" I asked her.

"Yeah, I just moved back yesterday. You?"

I nodded, "We go to Metro Uni."

"Me too."

"Right," Emmett cut in. "I think the victor deserves a prize."

Leilani eyed him, taken aback. "Um, it's ok."

"No, no. I was going to go and get some snacks anyways. You want a drink? Lemonade, coke…?" he offered.

"Oh, I guess, lemonade please?"

He stood up and left to go to the counter at the back where they had all the drinks and snacks, leaving the two of us alone. What a sneaky ass.

Leilani rubbed the back of her neck and looked away at the screen, nervous again.

"What are you studying?" I asked her, trying to put her at ease again. For some reason I didn't want to force it, curious to feel exactly how she was feeling. It was as if it was a way of getting to know her by her emotions.

"Writing," she said. "I'm doing my Masters."

"Oh," I was surprised she wasn't an undergrad.

"You?"

"History. Emmett's doing finance. My brothers and sisters all go there, too."

"How many brothers and sisters do you have?" she asked as Emmett came back with the food.

"A lot," he said, handing her the bottle of lemonade.

"Thanks," she opened it and took a mouthful.

"Let's see. There's Edward, Alice, Rosalie, and us." He listed.

I nodded. "Alice is doing finance with Emmett. Edward's doing psychology. And Rosalie is doing horticulture."

"That's cool you have a big family." There was a hint of jealousy.

"Yeah. It's nice."

Emmett sat down and turned his head, looking at the two of us in turn. "So. Rematch?"

"Hell yeah." Leilani adjusted herself in her seat, hands on the steering wheel.

Several games later, Leilani had only lost once, and even then, she had come in second place. She really was a match for me, and the three of us were having a lot of fun. More than I'd had in a while. Coming to the arcade with Emmett was great, and I loved being competitive with him, but this was something different. Something new.

"I should probably get going now." Leilani said. "I've run out of change."

Emmett held up a pound but she shook her head. "Nah, it's fine. Thank you though."

"No problem," he said. "You busy next Monday?"

She looked away for a moment, chewing her lip. "Umm… I'm not really sure yet. I think my lectures are in the evenings, so probably."

Taking a chance, I slid my phone out of my back pocket. "Maybe we can exchange numbers, so you can let us know?"

Leilani hesitated, and slowly nodded. "Ok, yeah." She opened her bag and pulled out her phone.

We said goodbye and once she'd left, I glanced at Emmett, kind of lost for words.

"That wasn't so hard."

I paused, unsure what to say. "What even just happened, Emmett?"

"You made a friend." He said slowly, mocking me.

I elbowed him. "Maybe."

"This isn't such a bad thing, bro. It will help us fit in."

"Maybe," I repeated, not convinced.

"We'll see," he said. "Or Alice will."


	2. Lecture

**Leilani**

I was buzzing the whole way home. Sitting on the bus, I looked out the window whilst listening to my favourite playlist, replaying the last couple of hours in my head.

Not only was it crazy I’d met some cool people my age, they also wanted to hang out again sometime. I didn’t know if anything would come of that. If it was just a one-time thing, where we would all forget about it the next day and the next time would never happen. But usually a number exchange wouldn’t be a part of that.

I bounced my leg in my seat to the rhythm of the rock song I was listening to. On my phone I tapped on the contacts and scrolled down to Jasper’s name, smiling a little. There was no denying he was quite attractive. Not that I would be making any moves. It was only about a month ago since Lewis and I wasn’t ready for that yet. Plus, I really wanted to make some friends. Real friends that would last.

At my stop, I hopped off the bus and made the short five-minute walk home. To my surprise my dad’s car was parked in the drive. I hadn’t even seen him yet since I’d arrived.

“My little Leilani!” he smiled and hugged me tightly. Too tightly, like he always did.

“Hey,” I stepped back, helping myself to a glass from the cupboard to make a drink.

“Sorry I’ve been so busy. I didn’t get back until ten last night and you were already in bed.”

I’d heard him. “That’s ok.”

“Where’ve you been? Job hunting?”

I swallowed. Fuck. I wasn’t ready for that yet. Especially not the shit storm that happened with every job I got. “Just looking around the city. Seeing what’s changed, and the shops.”

“Right. Well you can always go tomorrow.”

“Yep,” I forced myself to say.

“When’s your first lecture?”

“Wednesday evening.”

He nodded, “Well, good luck.”

“Thanks.” I walked past him, going straight to my room. The last thing I wanted was to argue with my father about working. He was obsessed with it. Best to end conversations quickly and painlessly. Not that it was too difficult with him being constantly at the office.

Wednesday came quickly and slowly. Tuesday was a day to kill time. I looked over my Masters work, scrolled through social media, watched videos, and tried to play some games for about half an hour before giving up.

I remembered playing with Jasper and Emmett and how I actually forgot about time for a minute and just focused on winning the game. It had been so much fun, and not a slog or something just to waste time. All I seemed to want to do these days was wish for tomorrow.

And yet on Wednesday afternoon I restlessly double-checked bus times as my heart ached, scraping my chest from the inside with each beat. I forced myself to take deep breaths, trying to stay calm, whilst tapping my foot.

I couldn’t listen to music on the bus. Instead I looked out the window, making sure I was going the exact route I was supposed to take. Part of me wished I could stay on the bus forever, riding the same route for eternity. And then I reached the University.

Playing with my hands, I made my way towards the modern grey and blue buildings in the dim light. The sun had already set, though it was still mostly light. I stopped for a moment to take the leaflet out of my bag with the map of the Uni on the back. Squinting at the tiny text, I looked around me to try and match up where I was.

“Hey, are you lost?” A beautiful girl with short spiky black hair asked me. “Do you need help?”

I smiled in relief. “Yes. Please, I need to get to Austen 103.”

“Oh, that’s on the other side of campus. It takes about fifteen minutes to walk there from here.” She explained. Her voice was so pleasant, it was like bells.

“That’s ok, I’m like forty minutes early.” I giggled, nervous.

“Alice!” I heard a familiar voice and when I turned towards the source, I saw it was the guy from the arcade.

She waved at him as he came over to us.

“Oh, hey, Leilani,” he said when he saw me standing next to her. He flashed me a really cute smile that I couldn’t help but return. He seemed so friendly and warm.

“Shall we walk with you to the Austen building? I can show you all the best parts of campus.” Alice seemed really eager and full of energy. It seemed a bit crazy to me since usually after lectures everyone was exhausted.

“I’d really like that, but you don’t have to be somewhere?” I asked, hoping that they really would walk with me.

She shook her head. “No, it’s fine. Let’s go!” There was no stopping her. She skipped up some steps just ahead of us. “I’m Alice by the way. You’re Leilani?”

I nodded, following behind her. “Yeah.”

“And you already met my brothers, Emmett and Jasper at the arcade the other day.” She stated. “About time someone flattens his ego.” She tilted her head, motioning towards Jasper who was walking up the steps just in front of me.

“Ego?” Jasper scoffed. “I’ve thrashed Emmett, a lot. It’s not ego if it’s fact that I’m just better than him.”

Alice giggled, “I am so gunna tell him you said that. He’s going to kill you.”

“He can try.” Jasper grinned.

I smiled, enjoying watching their banter. I wished sometimes that I had brothers and sisters. At least then I’d have someone to hang out with at home while my parents were working. I didn’t think on it too much though, as my mind quickly drew me back to Uni and worrying about attending my first lecture. I felt my chest begin to hurt again.

“This is the café,” Alice pointed out a building to our right. “And they have computers in there. Oh, and that’s the library, which is pretty much always empty at night. You can see the Austen building through there-,” she continued, showing me all the buildings and giving me some tips.

At the Austen building, Alice slipped inside. Jasper held the door open, beckoning me to enter ahead of him. Inside I could see the door numbers on the wall in huge letters and 103 was just at the end.

Glancing at my phone, I guessed they were already inside for the lecture. I felt my heart speed up.

“See you later, Leilani,” Alice said. “Have fun!”

“Thanks guys. See you.”

“Bye,” said Jasper, his unusual amber eyes looking straight into mine.

My cheeks felt warm and I looked away. I couldn’t focus on that right now. I had to focus on getting through that evening without falling apart.

I could barely concentrate on the lecture. The thing about doing a Masters was that everyone was various ages and there were only about two others around my age who already seemed like close friends.

Everyone was discussing what they wanted to write, what novels they had already planned and edited, the thrill of writing for them. I felt like a fraud. Writing was just something I could do, and enjoyed doing. I didn’t know if I wanted to write books. I just knew I had to do something and the Masters was another way to just… kill time.

At the end, I walked out the Austen building, relieved that I hadn’t perished. Great, I’d survived one lecture. Just the rest of the year to do. And my dissertation. I let out a long exhale. Fuck.

* * *

**Jasper**

“How do you know something bad won’t happen?” I asked Alice.

“I don’t.” She replied.

“How do you know she won’t ask questions? Or find out the truth?”

“I don’t.”

“Then how can this be a good idea?”

“Jas,” Alice turned away from the mirror and looked at me, one eye without mascara. “Seventy years and you still don’t trust me?”

I sighed, “Of course I do. It’s just, you can’t predict everything.”

She shook her head, “I don’t need to see the future to know, this is going to be good for you. For her. For both of you.” Alice faced the mirror on my bedroom wall again, carrying on with her make-up. “Besides, aren’t you tired? I know I am.”

“Tired of what?”

“You know I love our family. But nothing changes. Ever. It’s so boring. It would be kind of nice having outsiders to hang out with.”

I stared at her, amused. “You want to risk exposure because you’re bored?”

Alice groaned, “Well not when you put it like that!” She threw one of her pencils at me, which I caught and started twirling between my fingers on one hand.

“You feel it too though, right? Of course, _you_ do. We need some changes around here. I don’t want to be isolated forever.”

I paused, “So what do you want me to do then, Alice?”

“Meet her on Monday, with Emmett. She’ll say yes. And I’ll ‘drop by’. Do you think it’s weird if I bring nail polish?”

I nodded slowly.

“Alright, no nail polish…” her eyes lit up. “We can go to the movies!” She squealed. “And bowling, and the beach on an overcast day, and shopping!”

“Alice,” I said with seriousness, interrupting her excitement. “We cannot tell Rose. Hopefully Edward won’t care.”

She made a face. “They’ll come around.”


	3. Panic

**Leilani**

We played a different game on Monday. I sat between Emmett and Jasper as we raced on motorcycles. I leant forwards, hands gripping the bars as I just about scraped first place for most of the lap.

Getting up and actually making my way into the City had been a challenge. For some reason things didn’t feel right. I couldn’t explain why, everything just felt wrong. As if everything around me was terrible, as if the world was terrible and no one was acting like anything was different. They were just going about their days. Emmett was grinning as he weaved between the traffic. I felt sick.

On the second race, I was even worse. My hands were trembling as I held on even tighter. With every breath I watched as my time slipped back. And just before the finish line, I saw Emmett overtake me, howling in triumph.

My heart was racing. I sat back, everything tilting as a wave of dizziness hit me. Swinging my leg over the bike, I mumbled “I’ve gotta go,” before walking as fast as I could to the exit.

“Wait. Leilani?” Jaspers concerned voice called out after me, but it was too late. I couldn’t go back. I couldn’t let them see me like this. What was wrong with me?

Taking quick breaths, I pelted down the escalator and out of the shopping centre. Even outside, my lungs couldn’t get enough air. I put my hand over my heart, which was aching badly. Looking around in panic, I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know if I was even able to go anywhere. Spying a bench around the corner, I rushed over to it and sat down, trying to take large short breaths. My vision clouded as my eyes filled with tears. I held onto the wooden seat of the bench with my numb hands, leaning forwards. Why was this happening?

“Leilani?” It was Jasper. Fuck.

If I wasn’t so afraid, I would have told him to go away. I couldn’t look at him. “I- can’t- breathe,” I choked out. One of the tears slid down my cheek. God, I was such a mess. I’d probably never see him or Alice or Emmett again now they’d know how bad I was. I couldn’t have hidden it from them. Not even for a week.

“It’s ok,” he said, sitting down beside me.

No, it’s not. It’s not ok, I wanted to cry. Furiously, I brushed my tears away.

“Close your eyes,” Jasper said, gently. “Try and slow down your breathing. Everything’s fine. Everything’s ok.”

He was wrong, although I did as he said. At least with my eyes shut I wouldn’t be able to see if any passers by were staring at me. I continued taking deep breaths, trying to hold them so they’d last longer.

Gradually, I no longer felt so sick, though my hands were shaking in my lap. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I don’t know what happened, I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t apologise. It’s totally fine. Everything’s ok.”

“I’m not usually a sore loser, I swear.” I tried making a joke to break the tension.

“I know that’s not the reason why. But you don’t have to tell me, unless you want to.”

“Thank you,” I whispered. I wouldn’t even know how to explain why I’d had a meltdown. There was no way I could put it into words.

Slowly I opened my eyes again. Jasper was watching me, a comforting smile on his face. The longer we looked at each other, the more I felt that his words had been genuine. Maybe I would see him again?

“Hey, are you ok, Leilani?” Emmett stood a few feet away with a water bottle in hand. “I’ll let you win next time, promise!”

I giggled, “Please don’t. I’m ok.”

“Alright,” he held out the bottle for me. “I got this for you.”

“Thanks, Emmett.”

“No problem,” he looked to Jasper who was still sitting next to me. “Alice said she’ll meet us at the movies. And she begged me to bring you, Leilani.”

I took a sip of water. “You guys are going to the cinema?”

“Apparently,” said Jasper. “What are we even seeing?”

Emmet shrugged, “ _Beauty and the Beast_ , I think?”

Jasper looked at me, “Do you want to go?”

I hesitated. Part of me wanted to go home and lie down and cry and hope for the Earth to swallow me. Although I did want to see the film. Plus, it was in the dark and no one would be talking or anything. I could probably get away with crying silently if I needed to, or sneak off into the bathroom for ten minutes.

“Seriously, I think Alice will sad if you don’t.”

“Ok,” I gave in, standing up. “Why not.”

Alice squealed when she saw me and bounced over across the lobby. “I’m so happy you came!” she cried. “I already got the tickets, and it starts in five minutes.”

“Oh,” I opened my shoulder bag, bringing out my purse to pay her back.

Alice waved me off, “No, no. I’m good. Save it for snacks.” She smiled.

I nodded. “Thanks, Alice.” I’d have to pay her back sometime. Maybe I could get her dinner.

As I queued up to get a bag of chocolate, I could hear the three of them laughing and talking and I felt so grateful that they wanted to hang out with me. They were so kind. I’d been so lucky. Too bad they were so unlucky to have me.

In the cinema Alice sat at the end of the row by the isle, and I was next to her between her and Jasper, with Emmett on Jasper’s other side. The lights dimmed and I began eating my chocolates, letting myself forget everything and just be in the moment in the French fantastical village.

Later on, I caught Jasper looking at me, and I smiled at him for a moment in the darkness, before we both continued watching the movie.

I was engrossed for a while, enjoying the music. At some point I was aware someone was coming back in and walking up the steps in the isle on the other side of the theatre. There was a small thump and they disappeared as if they’d tripped, though they seemed fine as they stood up again.

Jasper stood up. Suddenly Emmett had grabbed his arm and they both stumbled towards them and down the steps to the exit. I put my hands on the arm rests of my seat, pushing myself up so I could see what was happening. What _was_ happening? Why were they being so weird?

I glanced at Alice, but she didn’t seem to notice. She was just watching the movie and swaying her head and shoulders to the music. I tried to forget about it. Maybe I could ask them what that was all about after the movie.

Except they never came back.

“Where’s Jasper and Emmett gone?” I asked Alice as the credits rolled.

She checked her phone, frowning at the screen. “Jasper had an appointment he forgot about. I guess Emmett went with him.”

“Ok,” I replied slowly. It made sense but it just seemed very weird when they jumped up in the middle of the film and Emmett had seemed to half drag Jasper out of the cinema. It was none of my business, I supposed.

When I checked my own phone, I saw I didn’t have any messages. It seemed strange he hadn’t even said goodbye. Neither of them had. Maybe they didn’t want to. Maybe I had misunderstood everything.

“I’d better go, Alice. Thanks so much for hanging out. It was great.” I told her, standing up.

“Anytime,” she jumped up next to me. “If you ever need anything, Leilani, just message me, ok?”

I smiled, “Thanks.”

As soon as I walked away my smile dropped. I didn’t know what to think. If he’d wanted to say goodbye, surely, he would have. Then what was with earlier? And looking at each other during the movie? Maybe he changed his mind. He must have changed his mind.

This was too complicated. I thought about messaging him as I sat at the back of the bus. What was the appointment for? Why was I thinking about it so much?

I didn’t have any dinner. I should be buying it myself with the pay from my non-existent job. And I just wanted to disappear.

Sitting on the window-seat in my room, I pulled the curtains closed so I was in my own little bubble between the fabric and the glass. There was no one outside, and the only light was the illumination from my phone screen. Until I turned that off, too, burying my face in my knees.

* * *

**Jasper**

Nothing mattered. Venom pooled in my mouth as the scent of fresh blood hit me. All the work I’d done over the past seventy years meant nothing to me now. My throat burned with hunger.

I sprung to my feet, ready to throw myself forwards at my prey, if not for the huge barrier. Emmett gripped onto my arm and wouldn’t budge. He stared me down, shaking his head slowly. “Jas, no.”

I pushed against him, another breath sending me a century back into the thick of blood lust and thrill of satisfaction. My throat was on fire.

Emmett used my pressing forward to guide me to the end of the isle and then half dragged, half pushed me into the double doors at the exit. I could still smell it outside.

“Come on, man.” Emmett put a hand on my shoulder, pulling me outside.

I took a deep breath to clear the scent from my senses. There was human food – fast food, cigarette smoke, car fuel. I began to relax, the burning in my throat ebbing away to a dull haze.

“What would I do without you?” I said to Emmett.

He shrugged. “Kill the whole town?”

I rolled my eyes. I never used to try and laugh it off until we became friends and brothers. He had showed me that it was much better just to go with it. That person was safe now. I hadn’t killed them. I hadn’t hurt them. Everyone was fine. And as long as I’d have someone there the next time, I’d be fine then, too.

“I need to hunt,” I said.

Emmett nodded with enthusiasm. “Yeah. You look like you’re about to go on a rampage.”

On the way, I sent a message to Alice, asking her to make something up for me. Hopefully Leilani would understand.


	4. Diagnosis

**Leilani**

Things only got worse. I don’t know what I was expecting, and I don’t know why it was happening. It just did.

My dad cornered me in the afternoon. He must have had a late start because I expected him to be at work already. I was sitting at the island in the kitchen, scrolling on my phone when he came in and started talking to me.

“Nothing on the job front yet?” he asked.

“No,” I shook my head, not looking up from my phone.

He sighed then. “Honestly, Leilani, I don’t know why you’re being like this. Would’ve thought you’d have found something by now. Or at least got an interview or two.”

I pressed my lips together, bracing myself for what I was about to say. “I just haven’t been feeling well.” I explained. “And focusing on Uni.”

My dad scoffed. “Right. Okay, love.” He grabbed his car keys from a bowl on the side. “Everyone goes through rough patches, you know. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Ok, dad.” I mumbled. Yeah, I’m sure everyone thinks about jumping out their window or can’t breathe in the middle of a shopping centre. Totally normal behaviour on my part.

I heard him go and my sweaty fingers gripped my phone. I was feeling sick again. My empty stomach was almost compressing itself. Leaning my elbow on the counter, I rested my mouth in my sweaty palm, trying to keep my breathing deep and even. There was no time for breakdowns now, I had homework to do.

I grabbed my laptop from the side and opened up a new document. I was supposed to be doing a short exercise for a lecture later that evening using one of the prompts that had been given to us. Walking through a forest, was the one I picked.

 _Imagine the sights, smells, sounds, and what the forest feels like._ I tried to picture it in my head. Trees, leaves, paths, the sky, the ground. It was so basic, like a child’s drawing. Stick figures and colours outside the lines. I distantly thought of a rope swing hanging from a tree branch, without the wood. A twisted rope tied up into a noose, swinging in the breeze.

I ran a hand through my hair. _Focus_. _There’s nothing wrong with me._

A forest, full of fireflies at night. Clouds covering the moon. A broken treeline at the edge of a cliff. A cliff so high with sharp rocks at the bottom. Stepping off the side.

I stared at the blank page in front of me. Not a single word could I muster there. How hard was it to write five hundred words? And why? What was the point, if I didn’t really want to be there? If I didn’t really want to do anything?

My vision blurred and I frowned painfully, putting a hand over my mouth to quietly sob. I knew my mum was just upstairs and I didn’t want to talk to her about this. How could I?

Soon enough I had to remove my hand though, as I was struggling to breathe between the sobs. I gasped for air, realising my lungs were starving, just like the other day. My hands were numb, like a thousand needles were pricking them, and I couldn’t feel my jaw or lips anymore.

I was gasping so hard for air, running my hands through my hair, standing up and pacing across the kitchen. I leaned over one of the counters and then put my back to it, touching my sweaty face.

My mum came through the doorway then, pale with wide eyes. I stared at her, my face covered in tears, breathless and shaking.

She snatched her keys from the side and took my hand, pulling be through to the hallway. “We’re going to the hospital. Now.” She stated firmly, looking terrified.

She ushered me out of the front door, slipping her shoes on and gabbing a pair of mine. In the car, I put my head in my hands, struggling for air whilst crying. I tried to close my eye, remembering what Jasper had told me to do before, but I felt too sick. Despite it being cold outside, I opened the window, gasping for oxygen. I could feel my mum looking at me whenever she could, her head turning from the road to me and back to the road.

At one of the traffic lights stops, I leant back in my seat, my lungs seeming to start functioning properly again. I took a long deep breath, trying to hold it for as long as possible before letting it go. The hospital sign came into view and another wave of sickness hit me.

“Mum, I don’t- I’m ok now.” I mumbled, another tear falling.

“No, you’re not.” She started pulling up into a parking spot, adamant on taking me in.

I really didn’t want this to happen. I was fine now. I’d just be getting in the way of all the people who had real problems. There was nothing wrong with me that a doctor could fix. It was something I had to deal with on my own. I just had to pull myself together and stop being such a bloody mess. I had to be better. I had to work harder.

My mum opened my door for me, and I struggled getting my shoes on with my shaking hands. I tried to do up the laces but she pulled me out the car.

“It doesn’t matter about those,” she said, “Let’s go.”

With her arm around me, we walked into the waiting room. “Sit down,” she said, leading me to an empty seat and then rushing over to the reception desk. “My daughter needs help; she couldn’t breathe. Some kind of attack-,” I heard her saying.

I took my glasses off, put them in my lap, and covered my face with my hands to try and block everything out, resting my elbows on my thighs. Fresh tears started building up under my fingers, mingling with the sweat. God, what was gunna happen now?

My mum touched my shoulder and I looked up at her, probably a huge mess. “We can go in, now.” She said. “Come on.” I couldn’t see her well without my glasses on, but I knew she was probably determined to get me seen to right away.

I picked up my glasses, trying to wipe my eyes clear as we walked down the long white corridor. I put them back on as my mum slowed at one of the doors. The nurse must have told her which room we had to go into.

As soon as my mum opened the door, she was already barking orders. “You have to help my daughter! She couldn’t breathe all the way here.”

A pale blonde man in a white coat stood up from by the computer in the corner. “What’s your name?” he asked me, in a calm voice.

“Leilani,” I answered and sniffed. “I’m ok now.”

“Alright, why don’t you sit down, Leilani.” He patted the examining table. “I’m Dr. Cullen.”

I did what he said, and my mum hovered nearby. There were other chairs, but she had opted to stand. “I’m ok now. I’m sure there are other people who need your help more.”

My mum shook her head. “Stop it.” She said to me.

Dr Cullen smiled warmly and I stopped gripping the edge of the plastic, playing with my numb hands in my lap instead, twisting one of my rings around my finger.

The doctor pulled a stool over and sat down in front of me. “All of my patients are important. Why don’t you tell me what happened?” he asked.

“I walked into the kitchen,” my Mum explained. “She was gasping for air and crying, all pale. She was like that all the way here.”

The doctor glanced at her, “Ok, but what were you doing before that?” he turned to me. “Do you know what triggered this?”

My heart was still racing so I had to take another deep breath. “I don’t know.” I sighed.

“How about I listen to your heart first then? To make sure everything’s ok?” he asked me.

I nodded. He got out his stethoscope and asked me to lift my shirt. I did what he told me.

“Any chest pains? Heart palpitations?”

“Sometimes,” I said.

Dr Cullen put the device back around his neck, and I pulled my shirt down again.

“Is this the first time this has happened?”

“No.”

My mum made a noise, like she wanted to cut in, but Dr Cullen spoke before she could.

“When was the first time?”

“Last week,” I answered. “I don’t know why it happened then either.”

“What’s been going on at the moment? Are you working, studying?”

“I go to the Uni here. I’m doing my Masters.”

He raised his eyebrows. “That must be quite difficult?”

“Um,” I paused. “Yeah a bit.”

“So, you would say that’s stressful?”

Slowly I nodded again.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” my Mum finally interjected into the conversation. “I didn’t know you were struggling with it?”

“It’s- um,” I wanted to tell her it was ok, but I wasn’t able to make the words come out. It was a lie, and I didn’t want to lie to her. I looked away, staring at one of the cabinets nearby.

“She just moved back in with me and her dad,” my Mum continued talking. “And she just got made redundant from her retail job.”

“I see.”

“What’s all this got to do with her breathing?” she questioned.

He ignored her. “What were you thinking about, before you couldn’t breathe?”

I swallowed. “Um,” I looked at my mum. She was watching me, waiting for me to explain myself.

“Maybe it will be easier if you wait outside, Mrs…” Dr Cullen suggested.

“Westbrooke.” She replied, not taking her eyes off me.

I nodded to her, trying to tell her it was ok.

She stiffened, although turned anyway and closed the door behind her.

“Leilani,” Dr Cullen spoke. “What were you thinking about?” he repeated.

My eyes filled with tears again and I pulled off my glasses. It made it easier not being able to see the doctor, and I could put my hands over my eyes.

“Dying.” I put my hands down, sniffing. “But I don’t – I’m not going to – I don’t know.” I took another deep breath. “I don’t know why I… feel bad all the time. I don’t know what to do.” I covered my face once more, letting out a sob.

“Leilani,” Dr Cullen said softly, waiting for me to look at him.

Slowly I put my hands down, seeing his face full of concern and encouragement.

“I’m going to refer you on to a mental health specialist. They will call you in the next few days. And in the meantime, prescribe you an SSRI medication, one to be taken every day. Would that be ok?” He held out a box of tissues for me.

“Thanks.” I took one, grateful. “Yeah, I think that’s ok.”

“It sounds like you were having a panic attack. Terrifying if you don’t know how to get through them. I have some resources here…” He got up and opened one of the filing cabinets. There was a rustling of papers as he shuffled through until he found what he was looking for.

Dr Cullen handed me a small pile of leaflets. Looking through them I saw big text proclaiming help with depression and anxiety.

“There’s some advice in there, websites, helpline numbers, things to do. Please have a look through them tonight. I really think they can help you.”

“Thank you,” I said, glancing over a couple of them. There was a step by step guide of what to do during a panic attack.

“Shall I let your mother back in?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

When he opened the door, she had her phone in her hand. “Well?” she asked, stepping back into the room.

“As I was just explaining to Leilani, Mrs Westbrooke, I believe she was experiencing a panic attack and I will refer her on to a mental health specialist. I’ve also prescribed her an SSRI,” he held up a slip of paper. “And I will also be writing you off for your studies for the next four weeks.”

Four weeks? Of sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself?

My mum seemed to echo my aversion to that idea. “Is that really necessary? Won’t she fall behind?”

“There are many procedures in place for illnesses during the semester.” Dr Cullen exclaimed. “This won’t be the first time a student is ill.” He turned to me and handed me my prescription. “Expect that phone call in a few days.”

“What, that’s it?” my mum stared at him. “You’re not going to keep her here?”

He shook his head. “There’s really no reason to. It would be better to be at home with your family.”

My mum bit her lip.

“Is something wrong?”

“Well my husband and I aren’t often _at_ home…”

“Do you have a friend that can visit? You shouldn’t be alone. Especially not this evening.”

I half smiled and shrugged.

“I can’t take tonight off. There’s no one to cover me.” My mum said.

“Just one night? For your daughter?” He furrowed his brow.

“If she needs someone to care for her then she needs a bed.” She said, frowning.

“That’s not possible. We would only keep someone who is a danger to others or themselves.”

“Not possible?” she was fuming now. “You don’t have a single bed?”

“Mum…” I rubbed the back of my neck, my eyes pleading with her not to. I didn’t want to stay in the hospital!

She seemed to be testing even the calm doctor’s patience. “I have an idea,” he said. “An unusual one.”

My mum blinked, waiting for him to tell us.

“I believe you’re friends with some of my children.” He said to me. “Emmett, Alice, and Jasper.”

So, this was their _father_? Fuck. I hope he took doctor patient confidentiality seriously. I didn’t need them hearing about my messed-up brain.

“Um, yeah, kind of.”

“I actually finish my shift in ten minutes. Perhaps you would like to visit and have dinner with your friends? You wouldn’t be alone, and I could even keep an eye on you. You’re more than welcome to stay.”

I hated and liked the thought at the same time. It would feel very weird to just show up, and I’d only hung out with them a few times. Also, they would see me the state that I am: absolute shit. But maybe it would be fun? Maybe Jasper and Emmett would be up for some video games? And Alice seemed to like me.

Seeming to sense my uncertainty, Dr Cullen broke the short silence, “I could make a phone call and see.”

“Ok,” I smiled slightly, “Yes, please.”

He smiled back, genuinely looking pleased. “Alright.”

My mum sighed and finally relaxed. She smiled. “You’re ok then,” she said, before giving me a kiss on the forehead, and putting her arm around me. “I didn’t even know you had any friends here.”

Jesus. I wanted to disappear again. At least Dr Cullen slipped out the room to go and call his family.

I could only imagine how the phone call would go. _Hey, Alice, Jasper, Emmett. That girl you told me about who you’re friends with? Yeah, she’s super fucked up. Please have dinner with her so she doesn’t try and off herself? What? You actually don’t like her at all anymore? Yeah makes sense. I’ll go and get her sent upstairs to psychiatrics instead. Love you._

Fuck me…


	5. Fate

**Jasper**

Rosalie did find out. Nothing was a secret in the Cullen household. Not with Alice and Edward. However, neither were the culprit this time.

It had actually been Emmett.

He and I were both playing Jenga (with our standard ten packs and elaborate rules), when she stormed in just as Emmett was delicately placing his piece down onto the ten-foot high tower, balancing on a chair. There was such a tornado of anger inside her, I thought she was going to smash it. Instead, she stopped right in front of it.

“Yes!” Clueless Emmett hissed, throwing his hands up in victory that it was impressively, still standing.

And then Rosalie flicked it with one finger. The entire thing came toppling down and there was a sea of small blocks all over the living room floor.

“Babe!” Emmett gaped, staring down at her in shock.

I exhaled, knowing immediately what was going on.

“That’s what’s going to happen. When your little pet human project fails,” she stated.

“You said you didn’t mind!” Emmett cried, jumping off the chair with a thump. “You said you couldn’t care less.”

“I thought about it,” she replied. “And I changed my mind. Because when it all blows up in your faces, it will be worse than this.” She gestured to the mess across the wooden floor.

I glanced between her and Emmett. Damn, he shouldn’t have said anything to her. It couldn’t be undone now. “Rose, Alice’ll see if-,” I started.

“Alice can’t see everything.” She snapped, cutting me off. “Besides, it’s not just about one of you killing her. It’s also that she might find out the truth. Surely she can tell something’s off about us.”

Emmett touched her shoulder. “That’s what we’ve got Edward for, babe.”

“This is the kind of thing we need to start trying, if we are going to be blending in with the humans. Something’s got to be done differently. And Carlisle and Esme agree.” I said, trying my best to stay calm despite the raging storm in front of me. I wanted to influence Rosalie, though she was so used to it now she would be able to tell and would only get even more livid with me later.

“Whatever,” she muttered, turning around, her high heels clicking on the floors as she left, kicking some of the blocks clear of her path.

Emmett looked at me. “Well, I think I won.”

Some time later, round three was interrupted again with Alice.

She jumped onto the balcony from outside and opened the sliding glass doors. “Our human friend needs us,” she stated. “Leilani’s mother’s taking her to the hospital this afternoon.”

I dropped the block I was holding in the box. “Why, what’s happened, Alice?” I crossed the room to where she was standing by the doors in less than a second.

“Another panic attack. But it’s alright. I’ve seen her with Carlisle.”

I furrowed my brow, remembering how horrible Leilani had felt before only a couple of days ago. It had passed eventually, leaving an echo behind.

“Poor kid,” Emmett folded his arms.

“Don’t worry,” Alice smiled. “We’re going to help her. Dad’s inviting her to dinner.”

Emmett grimaced. “We’ll have to eat…”

I elbowed him, “Not if we’re sneaky. I bet I can get away with hiding more food than you.”

“Oh no way,” my brother laughed.

“What on Earth are you plotting, Emmett?” Esme appeared in the room; an eyebrow raised in suspicion.

“Nothing you wouldn’t approve of, I swear,” he grinned.

Esme shook her head, full of doubt.

“Leilani’s coming to visit us.” Alice beamed. “For dinner! And maybe even a sleepover.”

“What?” Esme looked at each of us in turn. “When was this decided?”

Alice quickly explained, “She had another panic attack so her mother took her to the hospital where Carlisle is seeing to her. And he’ll invite her over to dinner since her parents are both working and she shouldn’t really be alone.”

My loving mother naturally went through sadness and pity, to excitement. “Alice, what do I make her? When is she arriving?”

“Dad will call us before, to make sure everything’s arranged.” She stated, “I don’t know what time.”

“It will be fine, mom,” Emmett hugged her.

“This is crazy,” Esme said, hugging him back and then letting go. “Boy’s you’d better clean all this up. There’s so much to do!” With that she rushed out of the room to the kitchen.

* * *

**Leilani**

There were a few more details Dr Cullen needed before I could leave. He wanted me to explain any plans of hurting myself to him, so I was as honest as possible – I didn’t have any hard plans, just thoughts about what it might be like for it to happen, and ideas of how it would happen. It was nothing I was going to act on.

My mum had to go to work, leaving me there as Dr Cullen was going to drive me. It seemed extremely unusual, but that is how things were happening. Nothing felt right, so of course this wouldn’t either.

I stopped by the pharmacy while he went to gather his things and get his car. I sat down on one of the green chairs, waiting for them to fill my new prescription. Taking tablets had never been easy for me, so I hoped they were small. I wondered what effect they would have on me. Obviously, I wouldn’t start jumping around happy all the time. I suppose I would be less sad. Perhaps not having panic attacks and crying a lot? There would no doubt be more information on the leaflet inside.

I had forgotten to ask how long I’d need to take them for. Two weeks to take effect. A month? Half a year? A year? Forever? My throat hurt and I pressed my lips together, trying not to fall apart in the pharmacy.

When my name was called, I took the bag with shaking hands and headed for the exit.

It wasn’t that cold outside, even in just a jumper, but I was still shaking all over. I pulled down my sleeves and slipped my forearm through the handles of the bag so I could cross my arms and rub my shoulders a bit. It was beginning to get dark.

A black Mercedes pulled up by the pavement and I just about saw him through the tinted windows. He reached over and opened the door for me.

“Thanks, Dr Cullen.” I said as I got in and sat down in the passenger seat.

“No problem. Please, call me Carlisle.” He gave me another warm smile and began driving out of the carpark.

I reached for my back pocket, expecting to find my phone there. It was empty. In the rush to leave the house, I must have left it at home.

“Where do you live?” I asked.

“Do you know Cherry Tree Avenue?”

Oh, they were _that_ close? “That’s only a couple of roads from where my house is. Is it ok if maybe we can stop there first – at Shetland Road? I left my phone.” I chewed my lip.

“Of course,” he said.

It was properly dark outside. The sky was a dark blue and the streetlights were all on. I was grateful that it wasn’t light anymore so it was harder to see me starting to get tearful again. I couldn’t imagine how his family were going to react to me in their home. Turning in my seat to feign looking out of the window, I strained my neck a little too far. I tried to swallow away the hard lump in my throat.

“Alice sounded really excited on the phone,” Carlisle broke the silence.

“Really?” I chocked out a broken kind of sound and cleared my throat. “Really?” I repeated, adjusting the position in my seat, afraid of being rude.

“Yeah,” he glanced at me for a moment. “She can’t stop talking about you You’re the first friend she’s had in quite a while.”

I didn’t know what to say. “Oh,” was the best I could do. We had that in common then. Apart from Evie, I didn’t really get close to anyone at Uni, and I’d fallen out of contact with my school friends.

“Which is your house?” Carlisle asked, as we’d made it to my road.

“The second left,” I said.

He pulled into the driveway.

“Thank you,” I told him, opening the door. “I won’t be long.”

“You’re welcome. Take your time.”

Inside I walked into the kitchen and saw my laptop screen shining in the darkness next to my phone. There was a miss call from Alice and a message from her.

It simply read: Sleepover, sleepover, sleepover! Love Alice. P.S. Bring swimming stuff.

I read it a few times in confusion, half-smiling, and then I pocketed it.

Upstairs, I grabbed a bag and shoved a change of clothes into it, along with my Switch, chargers, toothbrush, medication, and of course my bikini as Alice had requested. I also put on my faux black leather jacket. Just before I left, I washed my face and cleaned my smudged glasses. In the mirror I looked ok. Not great, not terrible. At least I didn’t look as bad as I thought.

“Ready to go?” Carlisle asked as I got back into the car.

“Yeah, thanks.” I nodded, doing my seatbelt up.

If I thought my house was big, the Cullen house was enormous. It was one of those mansions on the really posh road, maybe a twenty-minute walk from my house. It looked very modern, with a long drive up to a large garage, probably big enough to fit several cars inside.

Carlisle stopped out the front and I followed him up the steps to the front door.

Alice was already opening it, he regular bubbly self. “Leilani!” she cried, wrapping her arms around me. Even though she wore a black dress with a black lacy cardigan, I could feel how cold she was.

“Alice,” I said, “You’re so cold!”

“Sorry,” she let go of me. “Everyone says that.”

She let me inside. “You can leave your bag here.” Alice motioned to the bench by the front door.

I slipped my shoes and jacket off, putting them neatly out the way.

“You like burgers, right?” she asked me.

I nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, of course!”

Alice smiled widely. “Perfect! I knew you’d say that.”

Everything was so open in the house, it almost looked like one of the fancy mansions on TV. The kitchen was practically a showroom. I could hear the sizzling of the meat in the pan and a beautiful woman with long caramel hair was humming as she cooked.

“Do you want a drink?” Alice asked me, already opening a cupboard and holding a glass.

I realised I was actually quite thirsty. “Yes please, just water, thanks.”

Emmett and Jasper were sitting on stools at the island, ending their conversation of whatever they had been talking about. I felt warm, trying to tell myself they weren’t talking about me.

“Welcome, Leilani,” the woman turned around, putting her spatula down. “I’m Esme. I’ve made some burgers. I hope that’s ok?” She had an equally beautiful smile, which lit up her whole face. I couldn’t help relax slightly as she made me feel more comfortable.

“That’s so nice. Thank you.” I replied.

“No problem,” she turned back to the food.

Alice handed me a glass of water. “Thanks, Alice.” I took a few mouthfuls.

“Hey, Leilani,” Emmett greeted me.

“Hey,” said Jasper.

They were both smiling at me, and I didn’t know what to think anymore. Were they just being polite? How much had they been told? Did they know about my meltdown and hospital visit? Did they know all the details?

I suddenly wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. I felt so sick I wouldn’t want to eat anyway. How could I leave? How could I disappear from that situation? I couldn’t just run away.

“Um, Alice? Where’s the bathroom?” I placed my glass down on the white island counter.

She pointed to a hallway off the kitchen. “That way, on the left.”

“Thanks.”

Down the hallway I felt a little more at ease now that no one could see me. I locked the door and took a seat on the edge of the bath, trying to take deep breaths. _Don’t cry, don’t cry._ I looked up at the ceiling, blinking away any tears threatening to fall. It was just one night. I just had to get through one night.

 _And then kill myself tomorrow._ I swallowed. _No, stop it._

Everything was fine. Or it would be eventually. I flushed the toilet and watched my hands, eyeing my reflection in the mirror. I really looked fucking miserable.

Using my fingers, I brushed through some strands of my hair, trying to tidy myself up a bit. Satisfied, I made my way back to the kitchen.

Esme was plating up the burgers, which smelt amazing.

“Come and sit next to me!” Alice patted an empty stool next to her at the end of the island, my glass of water on the top.

I tried to smile at her, and hopped up. I was opposite Jasper, who had moved to the other end. We made eye contact for a second before Esme put a plate down in front of me.

“I hope you like it, Leilani,” she said in a sweet voice.

“Thank you.” They looked delicious. I picked one up and took a bite, instantly falling in love with her cooking. “It’s so good,” I said.

She grinned at me, “I’m glad. There’s a few left if you’d like some more.” Esme put a plate of half a dozen more in the middle, along with a bowl of French fries.

“Ten out of ten.” Emmett agreed.

After taking another bite, I noticed his burger had already gone and he was wiping his hands on some kitchen roll. He had eaten that fast.

Jasper was eating just as quick. I noticed him reach over for a second one. Alice, however, ate slowly, reaching for some of the fries in the middle. I used the large spoon to get a handful of them onto my plate. I was fine with just the one burger and the fries.

Carlisle came into the kitchen and kissed his wife on the cheek before helping himself to one of them. The two of them left so it was just the four of us left in the kitchen.

I finished my food and took a long mouthful of water. “I hope this isn’t weird.” I said.

“Why would it be weird?” Jasper asked, surprising me.

I kept my eyes on my plate. “The other day you guys seemed in a hurry to leave.”

Jasper put his glass down, causing me to look up. “Alice.” He said, staring at her in accusation.

Alice’s eyes were wide. “What! I told her!”

I licked the salt from my lips. “Oh, you really had an appointment? I thought…” I trailed off.

Jasper chuckled. “You thought we were ditching you?”

My face felt warm. “Yeah.” I mumbled.

Emmett snorted.

“Leilani, do you not realise how cool you are?” Jasper met my eyes with a smile.

“Seriously,” Alice said, “You’re like the only person at Uni worth talking to.”

“Truth,” Emmett added.

I touched the back of my hair, embarrassed. “Really?”

“Nah, we were lying. There was poison in your burger.” Emmett smirked.

Jasper punched him on the arm.

I properly smiled, laughing.

“Ok,” Alice pushed her half-finished plate of food away from her, “We have a busy schedule of fun ahead of us this evening. I hope you like dancing, Leilani.”

I, in fact, did like dancing, which was perfect as she had planned for us to all play _Just Dance_. They must have all played before and practiced _a lot_ considering how they were able to perform the dances exactly as the animation on the screen. Thankfully the game was forgiving and I was still able to get a high score, though not as high as Alice, who was the best out of all of us. She and I played _Girlfriend_ while Jasper and Emmett watched from the sofas.

At the end of the song I grinned at my score, seeing that I got six stars. Alice turned to me. “That was great!”

I nodded, “Yeah, well done.”

“Did you bring your swimming stuff?” she asked.

“Uh huh.”

“Great,” she clapped her hands together. “Hot tub time!”

Holy shit, the Cullens had a hot tub? Judging by the look of their house, I had no reason to be surprised.

I got changed into my floral bikini in the bathroom and wrapped myself in a white towel Alice had lent me. It was freezing outside. I touched the bare decking with my feet and recoiled at the touch. Quickly I stepped over to the hot tub at the end, where Alice was pressing some buttons on a tiny screen.

The still, steaming water, erupted in some bubbles and she hopped in, laughing.

I placed my towel next to hers and felt the water with my hand. It was so warm and inviting. I carefully stepped inside and sat down in the corner. I sighed, feeling my muscles begin to relax against the jets. The whole thing was lit up with dim colours that changed every few seconds.

“This is lovely.” I said.

“It’s awesome,” she replied. “Especially when it’s cold like this.”

I put my fingers by the jets, enjoying the feeling of being in the water.

Soon enough, Jasper joined us, going to one of the other corners. And then Emmett jumped in, splashing the three of us.

I wiped my face, holding my damp glasses in one hand and giggling.

“Such an asshole,” Alice grumbled, folding her arms.

“Aw, come on sis.” Emmett rolled his eyes.

“You’ve got _all_ the towels wet!” she shrieked.

Emmett made a face. “Oops.”

“It’s not a pool, you can’t just jump in! She-We’re gunna be freezing when we get out.” Alice stood up. “What if I got all _your_ things soaked?” She climbed out, running across the deck.

“Wait, Alice, no!” Emmett scrambled after her. “Aliiiicccee!”

Jasper and I sat there laughing for a moment which turned into a comfortable silence. I leaned back, looking up at the stars through my glasses which occasionally steamed up and then cleared. I closed my eyes.

After a while the jets turned themselves off, and we were both just sitting in the hot water.

“Hey,” Jasper said in a soft voice.

I opened my eyes and looked at him.

“Are you ok?”

I swallowed, not sure how to answer. I didn’t want to just lie and say I was fine, but I didn’t know if I would be able to tell the truth either.

Slowly I shook my head.

“I meant what I said before, Leilani. You can tell me,” said Jasper. “If you want to,” he added.

I looked away towards the dark garden, fiddling with one of my rings. We sat in silence for a little bit longer, as I tried to figure out what to say.

Finally, I spoke, “Your dad thinks I’ve got depression and anxiety.” Just saying it, my throat ached. “I had another panic attack today. So, my mum took me to the hospital, and now I’m supposed to take time off Uni, have medication, therapy. I don’t…” I trailed off, taking a deep breath.

Jasper slid across so he was right next to me.

I was looking down at the surface of the water. “I don’t feel like myself anymore. Everything’s just so – wrong. I don’t think I belong here anymore. Sometimes I think it would be best if I just disappeared.”

He took my hand then, and I looked up. We were only inches apart, and his warm hand felt so soft in mine. For a moment I never wanted him to let go. As we stared at each other, I saw pain in his amber eyes.

“You belong here, Leilani,” he said, firmly, sliding his thumb across the back of my hand.

I couldn’t say anything as a tear escaped, rolling down my cheek.

“It’s gunna be ok,” he tried to reassure me.

“How do you know?” I questioned. He couldn’t promise that.

“I know the future.”

I scoffed, “Ok.”

“It’s true.” He smiled. “We have a lot of games lined up, for the next… I don’t know, a long time.”

“Right.” I sniffed. “Can’t the future be changed?”

“The future? Yes. Fate? No.”

I shook my head. “Fate? A fated friendship?”

“Absolutely,” he said, giving my hand a squeeze.

I smiled, “Thanks, Jasper.”

He didn’t reply, making eye contact with me again. We continued sitting there, my hand in his as we stared at each other’s eyes.

Maybe I didn’t want to be friends?

I couldn’t do that to Jasper, though. He deserved someone without so many problems. Someone who wouldn't be a burden. Someone who had it together, and who was as hot as he was.

I let my hand slip away, pretending that I needed to adjust my glasses. “Are Alice and Emmett coming back?”

“Depends if there’s been a murder,” Jasper joked.

I lifted my head to try and see where my towel was, and judge whether it really was as wet as Alice had said. It was too dark to see.

“Hang on,” Jasper flung his head back. “ALICE!” he called.

I almost laughed.

The back door slid open and Alice hurried back over towards us, wearing flip flops and a purple dressing gown. Her arms were pull of towels. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”

“What did you do to Emmett?” Jasper asked.

“Nothing… permanent.” She answered, handing me a towel as I stood up.

I quickly wrapped it around me, shivering.

Jasper stood up too, climbing out of the hot tub after me. I glanced at his fit body a bit too long, seeing the water droplets glistening in the dim light on his toned abs. I forced myself to look away, walking back into the house.

Dry, and dressed, the four of us sat in front of the TV in the living room, watching a comedy. I had a cup of tea in my hands and a blanket over me, snuggled up against a white fluffy cushion.

Alice was seated at the other end, with Jasper in the middle, and Emmett had one of the arm chairs with is feet up on the footrest.

The two of them seemed to have made up, joking around every now and then. Jasper and I stayed mostly quiet, watching the movie and laughing occasionally with the others.

My hands kept trembling still from earlier that afternoon, and I frowned gripping the mug tightly to try and keep them still. Eventually I gave up and put the mug down on the side table next to me. I brought the blanket up more, nestling in the warmth and hiding my hands underneath.

Jasper moved, adjusting his position next to me. I was tempted to sneak a glance at him, but thinking about the hot tub scenario made me embarrassed so I kept watching the TV instead.

Exhausted from everything that had happened, I found myself sinking lower into the sofa, until the side of my face was on the cushion and my legs were up to my chest. I tried to stay awake, but I didn’t know what was going on in the film anymore, and just couldn’t.

The last thing I felt was the blanket being pulled up to cover my shoulders. Or maybe I was doing that myself?


	6. Question

**Leilani**

I awoke exhausted. If I didn’t feel like myself the day before, I definitely didn’t feel like myself then. A stranger in my own body.

I was lying on the sofa where I must have fallen asleep watching the movie. The blanket was draped over me, and the cushion was crumpled under my head. My mouth was so dry, but thankfully someone had left me a glass of water on the table beside the sofa.

As I sat up, a wave of sickness hit me. I sat still for a few moments, waiting for it to pass. I took a few sips of the water, hoping that it would settle my stomach. My hands felt unsteady around the glass, trembling. God, that must be the medication.

My bag was on the floor and I reached down for the box inside. I unfolded the leaflet inside to read over the side effects. As I looked over the list, I grimaced. I stuffed the leaflet and the box back in my bag and pulled the blanket back up.

It was my own fault really, for not being strong enough to handle normal life. I hadn’t worked hard enough. I deserved all of what was happening to me. I deserved to feel like shit.

Placing one hand over my eyes, I pressed my lips together, trying to cry silently as I pulled my knees up.

The other end of the sofa sagged as someone sat down. _Fuck._

“Hey.” It was Alice. She spoke in a gentle tone.

I sniffed, wiping my face with my hands roughly. “Morning, Alice.”

She put a hand on my knee, and I could feel her watching me.

“Are you ok, Leilani?”

I swallowed. “Yeah, I just feel really sick.”

“Maybe some tea will help?” she suggested.

In the kitchen I sat at the island, resting on my elbow as I looked down at the steam swirling from the mug and trying not to be sick. Alice had left me for a minute to go and get dressed.

I barely took in Carlisle walking into the room. “Good morning,” he said. “Side effects?”

I hummed, afraid to open my mouth in case I vomited everywhere.

“Those should go away.”

My phone buzzed on the counter in front of me. It was a private number. I blinked heavily, not wanting to answer it but knowing that I should. After a couple of seconds, I picked it up. “Hello?”

It was the mental health department that Carlisle had referred me onto. They wanted to set an appointment for me to talk to them and answer some questions. They also wanted me to answer a few then and there, pretty much the same as at the hospital including details of any plans I might have. Nothing had changed since yesterday. During the phone call, Carlisle left, and I was grateful that Alice took her time.

At the end of the call, I put my phone back down on the counter. I slid my mug further away from me so that I could cross my arms and lay my head down to rest on top of them with a sigh.

I thought about how much time I had now. Four weeks of time to kill. What was I going to do?

“Your tea is going cold,” Alice announced, re-entering the kitchen.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, lifting myself up and taking a sip. It was luke-warm.

“I think you need some distractions,” she replied. “What about some video games?”

I couldn’t even muster energy to pretend to want to. “I guess so.”

Alice seemed a little put out. “Well what do you want to do?” she asked. “Your choice.”

I cupped my hands around the mug, warming up my fingers. “Nothing. I never want to do anything anymore.”

“Video games sounds fun.” Jasper said from the archway.

I looked up, and he gave me one of his cute smiles. I tried to smile back, but just couldn’t find the energy. Somehow, I was so drained despite only waking up half an hour ago.

The three of us sat back down in the living room. Alice was in the arm chair this time. Emmett was at a lecture. Jasper sat next to me on the sofa as I got back under the blanket, still in my pyjamas.

We started a _Mario Kart_ tournament which lasted for a few hours. None of us were trying too hard, chatting about random stuff. I learnt that they were all adopted. Rosalie, who I hadn’t met, was Jaspers twin. And Edward, who I hadn’t met either, was Alice’s brother. It came up because I’d made a face when I learnt Emmett and Rosalie were a couple, and Alice had assured me, giggling, that it wasn’t like _that_.

I told them about my family too. How my parents were workaholics and it was probably going to be a mess at home now because of me.

Part way through Esme came in to say hello, bringing me a sandwich and a bowl of crisps with another cup of tea.

“Oh, thank you. You didn’t have to.” I told her.

“You’re welcome, dear. I just thought you might be hungry.” She smiled warmly.

I wasn’t hungry at all, but knew I should eat something. I nibbled at the sandwich and some of the crisps between races, feeling bad about leaving it.

“You don’t have to eat it all,” Jasper reassured me, seeing how long it was taking me to eat. “Esme won’t mind.”

At the end, Jasper had naturally come out on top, and I was second, followed by Alice.

“Not bad,” I said. “I think I’m gunna go home now.”

“Aww, ok,” Alice turned off the TV. “This was so much fun, Leilani. Come and visit again soon, ok? Anytime. How about on Thursday?”

I smiled slightly at her. “Sure. Thanks, Alice.”

I stood up and she gave me a tight hug. For someone so small she had a lot of strength. Just like the day before, she was so cold. Everyone has their own problems I supposed.

“Jasper can take you home,” she said.

“Of course,” Jasper stood up, too. “How do you feel about motorcycles?” he asked me.

“Oh,” I hesitated, caught off guard. First, he was taking me home… second, he had a motorcycle? How the hell was he not in a relationship?

Suddenly I realised Jasper was looking at me, waiting for an answer.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I’ve never been on one before.”

“You’ll love it,” Alice grinned.

She was right. At first, I hadn’t been sure what to hold onto and then Jasper had taken my hands and put them around his waist. My face was no doubt flushed as he turned his head to smile at me. He had a really nice smile.

As he started speeding down the drive, I let out a yelp as my hands started slipping. I couldn’t help it – I had to hold onto him tighter, moving my hands around to his rock-hard chest. He laughed.

“Sorry!” I cried over the noise.

“Don’t worry,” said Jasper. “Just hold on.”

Having the cool wind on my face was really soothing and took my mind of my stomach. Though, I couldn’t focus much on where we were going. Not with Jasper right in front of me, so close. He seemed just as cold as Alice, but it wasn’t exactly warm out as it was October.

I knew my parents would kill me if they knew I was on a motorcycle. But they weren’t there.

All too soon, we got to my house and Jasper stopped in the driveway near the garage. Naturally my parents weren’t home.

I got off the bike and took off the helmet, and he did the same.

“Thanks for the ride, Jasper.” I said, “And for everything else.”

“No problem. It was fun.” He looked up at the house. “Nice place, by the way.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Really? Compared to yours?”

He shrugged, “Well, it’s your home. Nothing to compare.”

“I suppose,” I replied. “I guess I’ll see you later.” I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye, but there wasn’t anything left to say.

He paused, “Do you want some company?”

I wasn’t sure what to say. Jasper was offering to spend time with me? Did he actually want to? Did he just feel bad for me? I didn’t want to say yes and let him witness me feeling and being shit for longer, but I also didn’t want to say no and send him away. Especially if that led to him never offering again.

“I’ve not got any plans,” Jasper continued. “It’s up to you.”

“Don’t you have Uni stuff to do?” I asked.

“Ok, don’t laugh at me,” he said.

I half smiled, intrigued. “Right?”

“I’m a massive nerd. And I’ve already finished some assignments this semester.”

“Wow,” I laughed. “I would never have guessed.”

“I know,” he replied. “So, I actually have a fair amount of free time.”

“Fair enough, then.” I nodded. “But I’m not going to be much fun. All I want to do is lie down and eat chocolate.”

He raised an eyebrow. “You don’t think that’s fun?”

“I guess you could have some,” I joked, starting to walk towards the front door with Jasper following.

I turned on the TV in the living room and handed Jasper the remote, telling him to find a movie for us to watch while I headed to the kitchen to find snacks.

When I returned, I saw he’d chosen a Disney movie and smiled in approval at his choice. “This is one of my favourites.”

“Good.”

Normally I wouldn’t have so much chocolate, but I let myself indulge. I needed it. I held out the bag towards Jasper, wondering if he wanted some, though secretly hoping that he didn’t. I was just being polite. Thankfully he declined.

Halfway through the movie when the action dipped, I wanted to ask him something, but I wasn’t so sure. I’d seen the movie dozens of times so I didn’t care about missing any of it. And I was itching to know the answer. _Fuck it_.

“Um, Jasper?”

“Yeah?” he looked at me. He didn’t seem so invested in the film either.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” It was only fair, seeing as how he knew so much about my deep secrets, and seen me cry a few times.

“Sure.” Jasper seemed so calm and casual about it. Almost like he was about to tell me anything, though he hadn’t heard my question yet.

“How are you not,” I felt my cheeks redden as I blushed. “How are you not with anyone?”

“Oh,” he smiled at that, pausing in thought and then looking straight into my eyes. “I’ve just been waiting for the right person, I guess.”

I couldn’t hold the eye contact, and I didn’t know what to say so I pretended to go back to watching the movie. My lips were pressed together tightly, as I tried not to smile. _He’s not talking about you_ , I tried to tell myself, but the way he’d said it – the way he’d looked at me. _God._ I could feel my heart thumping in my chest.

“What about you?” he asked.

“What about me?” I questioned, not sure what he was talking about. I slowly brought my eyes back to his handsome face.

“How come you’re not with anyone?”

I laughed. “What?”

“I’m serious.” He said. Apparently, it was a genuine question.

I furrowed my brow, my smile fading. “Really? Who would want to be with me?”

Jasper looked like he was about to answer that question.

Quickly I continued, not wanting to hear what he’d have to say about that. “There’s a bunch of things wrong with me. And I’m not – I don’t think I’m girlfriend material.”

There was a short silence between us and the sounds of some fight scene going on in the film.

“You don’t really believe that, do you?” said Jasper.

I didn’t answer at first, thinking about what to say. I was suddenly aware it might sound like I was just fishing for compliments. “Well, there was someone. A few months ago.”

“Can I ask what happened?”

I half-smiled. “Yeah, he got sick of my shit.”

“What shit?” Damn, he was really coming in with the hard questions.

“Um,” I took a breath. “You know, all my emotional shit. Like all the stuff I was saying yesterday about wanting to disappear. And I cry a lot. Like every day. You’ve no idea.” The words were tumbling out before I could stop them. “I’m just this huge piece of shit that should be hidden away, to be ashamed of. But no one is more ashamed of me than I am. So yeah, he realised that and it was over. He was kind of a dick, honestly, which is fine. It’s not like it matters now.”

I swallowed, realising my eyes were filling with tears. “And I’m crying again. See? I’m a hopeless broken mess.” I laughed, trying to brush them away as they spilled. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

I pulled off my glasses, chucking them down on the coffee table so I could properly cover my eyes. “I can’t seem to even have a conversation without having a bloody breakdown these days.”

“Hey, it’s ok, Leilani,” he murmured, putting a hand on my back and rubbing it slightly.

I pressed my palms against my eyes, wishing everything would just stop.

“Come here,” Jasper placed his arm around my shoulders, trying to pull me closer to him.

I let him, leaning against him with his arm around me as he rubbed my shoulder comfortingly. “It’s ok.” He said, “You’re not shit.”

I smiled a little at that.

“And Leilani, you have _nothing_ to be ashamed of.”

That statement just made me cry more, though I was grateful all the same. We stayed like that for the rest of the movie – with me snuggled up into his side, while his arm was around me, his fingers tracing lines on my jumper. Being that close to him, every time I breathed in, I caught how amazing he smelt.

My glasses glinted in the light on the coffee table, however I didn’t want to reach over for them as it was likely we wouldn’t continue cuddling. Instead I squinted slightly at the TV.

“Do you need your glasses?” Jasper said.

 _Shit_. “No, it’s ok. I’m fine.”

He chuckled and leant forwards so he could retrieve them and hand them to me. I put them on, seeing his humoured expression.

“Thanks.” I mumbled.

He leant back, but to my surprise he pulled me with him. I smiled to myself. It was amazing, yet I had so many questions!

Surely, he was enjoying it as well? Was he just trying to be nice to me because of my situation? Did he want to continue being friends? Did he like me? Did Jasper _like_ me?

I most definitely had a crush on him. A big crush. How could I not? With his amazing, perfect body. His handsome, warm features. And his kind heart. Somehow, he just knew exactly what to say, and what comfort I needed. Whenever he was around, I just felt better. And I couldn’t believe how much I’d told him. About myself, about my feelings.

The credits began to roll and I knew we couldn’t carry on sitting there like that. Reluctantly, I let go and stood up to turn off the TV.

“I think my parents are probably going to be home soon,” I exclaimed, glancing at the window. It was dark already, and I was slightly concerned about my family walking in and seeing me with a guy. They would immediately jump to conclusions.

“Alright,” said Jasper, getting to his feet, pulling down his shirt where it had got a bit creased.

“They’ll probably kill me if they see your motorbike.” I admitted.

He laughed. “Yeah, I understand.”

We walked down the hall to the front door and we smiled at each other. “Thanks, Jasper.”

Suddenly he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. I had mine around his waist, and I took the opportunity to deeply breathe in his scent one more time, my face right by his neck. Like Alice, he was cold.

“Leilani, I really care about you.” He said softly.

My eyes closed. “I care about you, too.”

We stood there for a few moments longer, until I tried to pull away. Jasper didn’t seem to want to, his arms still locked around me.

“Jasper?”

He let go, his face pained. There was a darkness around his eyes that wasn’t there before.

“Sorry.” He opened the front door, turning his head to the side so the long blonde strands covered some of his face. “I’ll see you on Thursday.”

“Bye.” I watched him leave, standing in the doorway.

He gave me smile and a nod, seated on his motorcycle. I waved back, watching him go down to the road and around the corner out of sight.

I shut the front door behind me and let out a sigh. Why couldn’t it be Thursday?


	7. Request

**Jasper**

There was no other way to say it: I was fucked.

Maybe that was too much. Either way, I was certainly in trouble.

I didn’t go straight home. Instead, I rode in the darkness through the countryside and onto the main road which was wide and bright, and stretched ahead for miles.

The loud, cold air against me helped me think. This had started out as an innocent distraction. Emmett and I in the arcade, trying to pass the time and pass as a normal family like any other. Admittedly, I had been enchanted from the start. By her emotions, her elegant movements, her charm.

And then Alice and Emmett had encouraged me. They wanted to be her friend, too. We’d only met her a few weeks ago and already Alice was eager to hang out with her again. Of course, Alice had probably seen her long ago.

I had liked the idea. Since I met Leilani, I saw her as a good person. She was considerate, and likable. Shy, but she seemed like a great listener. Most of all, she was strong. I could feel the crippling pain inside of her, how worthless and wretched she felt. It was so much to carry. And she carried on.

I admired her.

With the intensity of being around her, I just couldn’t help myself. So badly I wanted to take all her pain away, and turn her insecurities away. I wanted to give her confidence, to help her recognise her beauty. But I couldn’t. Only on the surface and only temporarily. Like Carlisle had told us on the phone, she was very ill, and had a long way to go to recover from this.

She would get there. I’d help her get there.

I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what I would do, but I knew that I was going to do whatever I could to try.

At the door, when we said goodbye, I had felt the temptation there. She had noticed, too, as I held her for a bit too long. We had been in such close proximity for over an hour and while I had pretended to breathe during the movie, I had slipped up at the door. I’d taken a breath and my senses had been filled with a mixture of coconut and chlorine, and _her_. Thankfully, I’d been able to control myself, this time.

One slip up, and she would be gone. That’s all it would take. I could never let that happen, and I couldn’t stay away from her.

But even after all that, what if she suspected something? She already pointed out Alice being cold. The hot tub masked my own cold hands, but sitting on the sofa definitely didn’t. She hadn’t said anything, yet.

Would she find out the truth? Would I tell her the truth? Friendship couldn’t be built on a lie.

I’d managed to find my way back home.

Rosalie was in the garage, cleaning her tools. “I think Alice and Emmett were looking for you,” she said.

“Good evening, Rosalie,” I replied, putting my helmet down, running a hand through my untidy hair. It was only for show, of course.

She rolled her eyes. “Look, I just want to protect this family – our lives. You know that.”

“I know,” I told her. “And I appreciate it. That’s all we want too.”

“So, stop.”

It was such a simple request, and I knew she meant well. It was difficult, keeping hidden and going from place to place, year after year, especially when we had to move because of an incident. There had been half a dozen slips ups, an unwanted and unwelcome visit from Maria, and humans getting suspicious. What Rosalie was asking of me now though, was impossible. I knew, logically, the whole thing was crazy and dangerous. However, I wasn’t going to abandon Leilani. I couldn’t do that to her.

Rosalie grew impatient at my silence. “She’s just one human.”

I almost revealed my hand, thinking about asking her what if it was Emmett. Except then she would realise how much I cared about Leilani, and it was too early. She would be all the more furious.

Slowly, I nodded. “I know.” One human made all the difference.

I left her in the garage, signalling the end of our conversation. Thankfully, she didn’t pursue me. 

Upstairs I opened the door to my room to see Alice and Emmett sitting on my bed. When I entered, both of them grinned at me.

“A fated friendship?” Alice echoed Leilani’s words from yesterday, feeling mischievous.

Emmett snorted, nudging Alice.

I folded my arms. “You two don’t have anything better to do?”

“Absolutely not.” Alice giggled.

“It’s about time, man, seriously,” said Emmett.

I let out a sigh. _This god damn family_.

“Nothing’s happened,” I tried to explain to them.

Alice raised her eyebrows. “Oh, not yet. What a shame you don’t have Edward’s powers or I could show you.”

I leant against my desk with my arms folded. “Show me what?” Those two were full of humour and mischief.

“You like her,” said my sister. It wasn’t a question.

I pretended to be calm about what she had just said, standing there casually. “So, do you and Emmett, and our parents.”

“No, no, no.” Emmett grinned.

Alice shook her head. “I’ve seen you two, as the Brits put it here… snogging.”

My still heart wanted to explode. I had guessed Alice had seen something of our relationship progressing, but that was more than I expected. It only proved I would have enough self-control to be able to kiss Leilani.

With great effort, I kept my calm expression. “Honestly, I have no idea what you’re talking about, Alice.”

“Bro, you really are the worst liar.” Emmett laughed.

“You’re just such a private person, aren’t you? Are you even gunna tell us what happened at Leilani’s house this afternoon?” Alice asked.

“Nothing happened,” I answered. “We watched a movie. I went for a ride. Here we are.”

Emmett groaned. “Nothing exciting ever happens in this family and now that something does, there’s no details.”

Alice nodded in agreement. “Yes.”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” I put my hands up in surrender. “But you know, I wasn’t the only witness.”

The two of them suddenly exchanged looks, and in a flash, they had their phones out.

“Well thank you both for visiting,” I said, starting to usher them out of the room. Neither of them minded as they were distracted with starting a group chat with Leilani. “See you later,” I closed the door behind me, glad to be alone.

Alice had had a vision of Leilani and I kissing.

A huge smile spread across my face. I didn’t know how it would happen, or when. All I knew was that sometime in the future there was the possibility of something more.

Yep. I was definitely fucked.


	8. Secrets

**Jasper**

I decided the best thing to do before seeing Leilani would be to hunt. Just to make sure I was prepared. The first time I’d seen her it had been several days since I’d last quenched my thirst, but just in case anything along the line of Alice’s visions happened…

Having washed away the last of the dirt from the woods, I jumped out of the shower and got dressed. Alice always stocked our wardrobes with bright colours so that it wouldn’t show off our pale skin. I wore jeans, and a light blue sweater over my shirt.

I made my way into the lounge where Emmett was sitting in the arm chair and Alice was pacing. She was rubbing her forehead, frustrated.

Before I could ask, she Alice said, “She keeps changing her mind. So indecisive.”

“About hanging out with us?” I questioned. “Isn’t she meant to be here soon?”

“That’s what I thought,” she muttered. “But I think maybe she’s still in bed.”

“I thought she had a good time.” Emmett said, confused.

“I don’t think it’s anything personal,” I pointed out. “Leilani might be having a bad day.”

Emmett stood up, “If she’s not coming here, then why don’t we go over to her?” he suggested.

“Yes!” Alice’s frustration was pushed to one side. “Let’s go.”

“Wait, just barge into her house? Isn’t that crazy?” I eyed them, unsure. “What if she wants to be alone?”

“Then we’ll just leave,” said Emmett. “Come on, Jas. We’ve gotta do something.”

He was right. I liked the idea, but I wasn’t sure if she would. At least we could make her some tea before she kicked us out, if that was what she wanted. I knew Leilani felt embarrassed and awkward sometimes when we saw her in a low mood, or if she was having a panic attack. Perhaps if we saw her enough, assured her enough that it didn’t matter, she could let those feelings go.

“I think we should bring her something.” I said. “She likes chocolate.”

Alice nodded, “Ah yes, that’s meant to make them happier, isn’t it?”

I walked into the kitchen and began searching through the cupboards. Esme always picked up food every week so it wouldn’t look suspicious that we didn’t eat anything. And then before everything spoiled some of us would take it in turns to drive to various homeless shelters and food banks across the country. It was better than throwing it out, and it meant doing something good for the humans.

I found some bags of chocolates and picked up a couple to give to Leilani. Hopefully she would like them.

We could’ve run there, but instead Alice wanted to bring her Porsche in case we decided to go out somewhere. She was really hoping for a beach trip, but I didn’t see that happening that day. Emmett had already called shotgun while I was looking for the chocolates, so I had to sit in the back.

Before we left, Alice send Leilani a message telling her that we were coming over. After a few minutes she replied that the back door was open. I still wasn’t sure whether she wanted us to come and see her, or if she had resigned to Alice’s persuasiveness.

The side gate was locked, though after checking no one was watching we hopped over the six-foot high boards. Emmett opened the latch on the other side, to make it seem like it had been left open.

The back door led into the kitchen, which was quiet. The whole house was, aside from Leilani’s heart beat from above. I could feel her shame, sadness and self-loathing stretching out towards me, becoming thicker as we ascended the stairs. It was like mist, floating around towards me, bathing me in darkness.

Alice knocked on her door. “Leilani?” Slowly she opened it.

“Hey, guys,” her soft voice called out. “Sorry, you can come in.”

Alice opened the door fully, revealing Leilani sitting up in bed. She was putting her glasses on, trying to tame her wild short hair. The purple was fading away, revealing her light brown strands beneath.

She tried to smile as we stepped into her room. “I’m sorry I’m so late.”

“No problem, Lani,” Emmett grinned. “Now we get to see your impressive collection,” he exclaimed, admiring her shelves of video games.

Leilani blushed, putting her cheek on her hand, her elbow leaning on her knee.

Alice sat at the end of the bed, crossing her legs. “We can all hang out here, if you want?”

“Ok,” Leilani nodded. “I’d like that.” She glanced at me.

I gave her a smile. “Hey, I brought you these.” I stepped closer, holding the chocolates out for her.

The dark, invisible mist, seemed to thin and dissipate as the gratitude and affection spilled out. It was as if I was feeding on her emotions, and I’d never be full. Forever hungry for her.

“Oh, thank you so much.” Her face lit up. She took the chocolates, examining the packet. “These are lovely.”

The three of us spend the next few hours in her room, playing video games. Leilani had a two-seater sofa so she had taken a seat there, pulling a zip up hoodie on over her pyjamas. I had to admit she looked very cute in her light pink and blue nightwear. The bottoms had cup cakes on, and she had blue bed socks to match. Although she’d tried to tame her hair, it was still fairly messy, with some bits sticking out at the back.

I was sitting on her left side, in her desk chair. Alice had taken the other side of the sofa and Emmett was on the floor, leaning against where Alice’s legs would’ve been if she hadn’t been sitting cross-legged.

“Emmett, don’t you want a cushion or something?” Leilani asked after a while.

“Nah, I’m good.”

“Let me know if you change your mind.”

Soon enough she opened the chocolates, offering us all some. We all refused.

“Huge breakfast,” Alice said.

“You guys don’t even want one? They’re so good.” Leilani pressed.

“It’s ok. Esme gets them for us all the time.” I told her.

She seemed to accept that, although there was some suspicion.

I eyed Alice as Leilani picked out another chocolate from the bag. What were we going to do? Throw off her suspicions every time they came up? Think of a constant string of excuses? If she didn’t trust our answers to simple things, how would she trust me when I told her important things. Desperate things. Like that she mattered, that she belonged here. Somehow, I didn’t think we could keep it up. She seemed to smart for that.

If we told her the truth, would she accept it? Us? What would she do? What if she found out herself? Would she tell someone else? There was always Alice to see, but this morning proved that we could always rely on her gift.

“Jasper?” Leilani’s voice brought me out of my rumination. She was holding the game controller out to me. “It’s your turn.”

“Sorry,” I apologised, accepting the controller.

Later, Emmett had made up some story about a video on his phone he wanted to show Alice, and that he couldn’t get a good signal.

“I’ll try outside. Seriously Alice, it’s hilarious.” He paused in the doorway for a moment to wink at me. I shook my head slightly. Leilani’s attention was focused on the TV screen.

When the two of them had gone, she spoke. “Are you ok?”

I peered at her. She was ill, and she was asking if _I_ was alright. Still, she had definitely noticed something was off. How could I explain it?

“Leilani, I want to be completely honest with you.” I told her. “I don’t believe relationships can be built without that.”

She nodded. “I understand.” She looked down at her hands, twisting the ring on her middle finger. “We’ve all got secrets. There are some things about me that you don’t know.”

I was desperate to ask her what they were, but held back. There had to be a good reason she hadn’t shared everything. “I do want to tell you; I just don’t know how. It’s not all about me. There are things –,” I paused. “Difficult secrets that aren’t all mine to share.”

“Then don’t tell me.” Leilani replied, meeting my eyes. “It’s ok. I’m sure whatever it is, it’s none of my business.”

I thought desire to suck her blood was definitely her business, though I didn’t say anything to that. How was she so understanding? I could still feel the affection rolling off her.

“Really, it’s fine.” She smiled.

I breathed in deeply, inhaling her scent. Her, and her whole room smelt incredible. I was glad I’d hunted earlier, as even then I felt the burning in the back of my throat, although it wasn’t too intense. More of a dull heat. It was manageable.

“I will tell you, one day, I promise. Once I figure out how.” I swore to her. I couldn’t seem to deny Leilani anything.

“Ok,” she nodded. “And you know it goes both ways, right? You said I can talk to you, and you can talk to me. About anything. I won’t tell anyone. Not that I have many people to tell.” She laughed, trying to cover the sadness she felt.

“Deal.” I said.


	9. Beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check the trigger warnings!

**Leilani**

It didn’t take much persuasion from Alice for a beach trip. I had mostly been worried about whether it would be warm enough, since I wanted to be able to walk bare foot on the sand and in the sea. When Saturday came, it was overcast and still fairly warm for early October. There would be no sun, and most likely some wind at the coast. I was looking forward to it, waking up and actually getting out of bed to pack a bag. I put my bikini on under my clothes, putting some leggings and a jumper over the top. It wasn’t quite cold enough for me to need a jacket.

I walked down the drive to Alice’s car as it pulled up. I got in the passenger side at the front, since I saw Jasper and Emmett were sitting in the back.

“Hey,” I smiled to them all.

They all greeted me, and Alice started driving. It wasn’t too far, the drive taking less than an hour. I tried to join in the conversation and ignore Alice recklessly speeding down the roads. Thankfully, her nice car didn’t make me feel like I was being thrown around, and it was quite a smooth ride. She seemed to know what she was doing, so I trusted her.

We arrived at a small carpark that was pretty much empty aside from a couple of other cars. Whoever owned them didn’t seem to be in sight, and the concrete area stood on a hill overlooking the sandy dip below. The waves in the distance were cascading over each other, rippling against the coast line.

The four of us carried our bags down the steps and onto the sand. We stopped not far away. Alice laid out a large towel and we dumped our stuff onto it. I kicked off my shoes and slipped my socks inside.

“That sand feels great,” I said, wriggling my toes on the soft, dry beach.

“Yeah!” Alice agreed, unbuttoning her short, white flowing dress. Underneath she wore a sea blue swimming costume with thin straps. She kept the dress on so that it still covered her shoulders, taking a seat on the towel.

The boys were in shorts, however, they kept their t-shirts on. Emmett nudged Jasper. “Race you?” He sprinted off leaving Jasper to run after him, trying to catch up.

I sat down beside Alice, my feet off the towel as I played with the sand and looked out at the waves.

“This is such a nice beach. I’m surprised there’s hardly anyone here.” I commented.

“It’s not very well known,” Alice replied. “We always come here.”

“I can see why.”

We sat in comfortable silence for a while. I could see Jasper and Emmett in the distance, apparently wrestling in the sand now. Putting a hand to my mouth, I laughed.

“Boys,” Alice rolled her eyes. “Do you want to play something?” She held up a pack of cards.

“Ok,” I said, curling my legs to the side.

We played a couple of games, Jasper and Emmett eventually joining us. Jasper lost Chase the Queen, and Alice won almost every game of Rummy. At some point the wind picked up, sending half the deck flying into my lap.

I giggled as Jasper and I tried to gather all the cards before they flew away. Emmett jumped up to grab a couple that had gotten out of reach. Jasper spied the two of hearts next to my bare shin and I moved my leg just as he reached for it. His hand was cold, but I liked it, welcoming the touch of the back of his hand and fingers on my leg. I pretended not to notice, wanting to seem casual about it, though I could feel him looking at me.

After a while, Emmett disappeared and we chatted, listening to music on the little speaker Jasper had brought. When Emmett returned, he was holding a white carrier bag.

“You know, it’s not a real beach trip in England without fish and chips.” He grinned.

“Ohhh!” I cried, smiling back. “Thank you, Emmett!”

“You’re welcome. Tuck in, guys.” He plonked down on the towel, and opened up the little package.

It wasn’t difficult to see that I was eating the most. “Big breakfast again?” I half-joked, half meant it as a serious question. They never seemed to eat much. Even Emmett who was so muscular that he would need a lot of calories to keep up the mass. Jasper was quite fit, himself. Alice I could understand, with her small dainty figure. Was this one of Jasper’s secrets?

There was a murmur of affirmation from Alice, who quickly changed the subject. “So, are we all going in the sea?”

“It’s probably pretty cold,” Jasper said.

“Pussy.” Emmett smirked.

“Oh, I’m a pussy?” Jasper raised his eyebrow, daring him.

“Yeah.”

“Right,” Jasper stood up and ran towards the sea.

Emmett laughed, pelting after him. Alice also wanted to join in, throwing off her dress and leaving it in a pile on the towel. I heard her squeal as she stepped into the water.

I smiled to myself, watching them having fun for a minute. It looked so easy for them. I couldn’t help but feel jealous, wishing I could let go and forget the world being shit. Forget myself.

Couldn’t I do that? I stood up and pulled off my leggings and my jumper. I kept my white t-shirt on, walking towards the water. As I got closer the sand felt colder, wetter. My feet began to sink into the dampness. It was warm-ish. Not as cold as I had thought.

I thought about the waves, watching them cover my toes and feet, and then pulling away with some of the sand. I wondered what it would be like for me to be the sand, to be pulled into the ocean. To be lost. Or at least, more lost than I already felt.

My chest began to hurt as I took a few more steps forward, the water rising above my ankles and halfway up my shins. I could hear my friends about a hundred yards away, still laughing. I couldn’t imagine myself with them, laughing like that.

I took another step, feeling the cold below the surface of the water. It was now up to my knees.

What would happen if I went further? What would happen if the waves never brought me back? They would be ok. They could have fun without me. My parents wouldn’t really notice I was gone. They would be sad for a while, but they’d survive. There was work always there to distract them and give them meaning to their lives.

It was such a lovely day, such a good time we’d had together. This could be the perfect way to end it. The perfect time. There may never be another time like this.

I was waist deep now, my heart pumping fast. I swallowed, taking deep breaths. The last breaths I would ever have. My eyes were tearing up, tears beginning to spill down my cheeks at the promise of peace.

If I was strong enough to do it, why was I taking so long? This wasn’t so difficult, surely. All I had to do was keep walking forward. It wasn’t as if I could swim very well.

“Leilani.” Jasper.

I put a hand to my mouth, muffling a sob, pressing my eyes closed, more tears streaming down my face. It was too late. I’d taken too long and now it was over. I’d lost my chance. I wanted to scream.

“Leilani.” He was right next to me now, his hand on my back.

I stood there, both hands on my mouth now, not knowing whether I should try and stop crying or just embrace it.

“Let’s go back to the beach,” he murmured.

I shook my head, lowering my hands. “I can’t.” I couldn’t go back to Emmett and Alice. Not like this. I couldn’t go back at all. This was supposed to be it. The end.

“Yes, you can,” said Jasper.

He really sounded like he believed in me. It was a lot more than I had ever believed in myself, from what I could remember at least. He had told me he cared about me. How could I do this with him here?

“I really want to go.” I let out a sob, assuming he would think I meant go home, instead of leaving this world.

“I know.” Jasper put his hands on my shoulders, rubbing them. “But I swear to you, this is temporary. It won’t be like this forever. You won’t feel like this forever.”

I cried even more, shaking under his hands. He pulled me closer, wrapping his strong arms around me. I was both glad he was there, thankful for him as my best friend, and at the same time wishing he wasn’t. Because at least if he wasn’t, I would be able to leave, instead of struggling to try and find a way not to. I gripped his shirt, sobbing into his chest.

Jasper held me tightly. “It’s going to be ok,” he kept saying, pulling me slightly, urging me to walk with him onto land again.

When we were out of the water and on the dry sand, Jasper kept hugging me as I continued to cry.

“Alice,” he said, softly. She must have been standing behind me. All I could see was a blur of Jasper’s beige shirt. “Can you grab us a towel?”

A moment later he was wrapping one around my waist, where the water had gotten. My feet were freezing and it was almost painful standing on the sand.

“Leilani?” He was rubbing my back, comfortingly.

“Yeah,” I choked out, wiping my tears away with my hands, only for them to be replaced with more.

“We need to get you warm. You’re freezing.”

I wanted to tell him he couldn’t really talk, being so cold all the time. And that I didn’t care. I deserved it. I deserved to suffer for being such a terrible friend I’d want to commit suicide at a beach trip.

“Come on,” he pressed.

“Ok,” I mumbled, not making any motion to move back to our bags. I pressed my palms over my eyes, trying to block out the world.

“Here,” Jasper let go of me for a second, and I put my hands down, wondering what he was doing. Suddenly, he had put one arm under my legs, one around my back and lifted me up.

I cried out in surprise.

“It’s alright,” he said, his face now only a few inches from mine. “You were too slow.”

It’s true. I was a huge burden. I had put him though watching me try to drown myself, and I couldn’t even do as he asked leading him to carry me back. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, continuing to cry.

“It’s ok,” Jasper said. “It’s not your fault.”

“It is,” I argued. “It’s not ok. I’m such a terrible person.”

“Please, don’t, Leilani. Please don’t say that. You’re a great person.”

“If I’m a great person then I wouldn’t do these things.” I sniffed, trying to breathe.

“It’s not you. It’s part of your illness,” he insisted. “And that will go away in time. It’s going to be alright. I’m here, I’ll help you.”

God, he was so kind. I had so much gratitude towards him, and some of the lost feeling was starting to float away. Jasper had brought me back, when I thought I was alone. When I thought the only thing to do was to let the sea take me.

With great care, Jasper put me down onto the towels. The tears were still falling as I dried myself off and used my towel as cover to get dressed. Once done, I stood up, using my sleeves to wipe my face. “I can’t stop crying,” I sniffed.

“Cry as much as you need to,” Jasper said, touching my shoulder.

The trip was over. Alice and Emmett, who seemed to have disappeared somewhere, came back over to us and took it in turns to hug me.

“Thanks, guys,” I told them. “Sorry I ruined our beach trip.”

“Oh, come on, Lani. You never ruin anything,” Emmett smiled at me.

“I love you,” Alice said, giving me another hug.

In the car, Emmett sat in the front with Alice. I was in the back with Jasper, mostly staring out the window. Eventually my tears stopped and I just sat there quietly, listening to the music that was playing.

I turned my head to see Jasper was looking out the front window. He saw me and gave me a soft smile, his eyes full of concern. Silently I put my hand out on the seat between us, sliding it towards him.

Jasper took it, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

Alice pulled up by my house. She turned in her seat to see Jasper and I holding hands, though it didn’t phase her. She looked like she was about to say something when Jasper spoke first.

“I’m going in with her.”

Alice nodded. She looked to me and reached forward to touch my knee. “Call me anytime, ok?”

“Same here,” said Emmett, turning around. “We’re your friends now, no matter what.”

They were truly the greatest friends I’d ever had. “Thank you.”

Jasper squeezed my hand again before letting it go, so he could get out of the car. I didn’t protest, glad that he was going to stay with me.

I unbuckled my seatbelt as Jasper opened my door. He already had my bag over his shoulder and held out his hand to me. I took it gladly, walking up the drive with him to my house.

* * *

**Jasper**

No one was home, which was expected as it was only late afternoon. Leilani didn’t say anything, letting go of my hand to unlock the front door. She was tired.

In the hall I closed the front door behind me. She looked around, unsure, not seeming to know what to do next.

“Why don’t you go and take a shower?” I suggested. “And I’ll make some tea.”

She watched me as I took her bag off my shoulder and put it down in the corner. “Are you sure?” she asked.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Thanks,” Leilani replied. “I’ll try not to be too long.”

“Don’t worry about that,” I tried to assure her, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere. Just try to relax, ok?”

"Ok,” she whispered, tilting her head towards my hand and closing her eyes.

Reluctantly, I let my hand slide down her shoulder and her arm. I hoped that she would go and make herself more comfortable. Finally, she turned and dragged her feet up the stairs.

When she was gone, I sighed, running a hand through my hair and walking into the kitchen. I sat down at the island, sliding my phone out of my pocket.

Her emotions were heavy and intense. I could still feel them from there, the exhaustion, self-loathing, shame, gratitude, affection. I heard the water running in the bathroom and slowly she began to relax.

Leilani’s last-minute decision had thrown Alice. She must not have thought to do it until reaching the water. One moment everything had been fine (or as close to it as was normal), the next there was a tornado.

Peace and fear, uncertainty and determination, grief, and guilt, and so many other things. She was like a storm, every rain-drop a different feeling. But that was nothing compared to seeing her waist deep in the ocean, wanting to end it all.

I had rushed over to her, not caring if she saw me moving at beyond human speed. Nothing mattered at that moment. Only saving her.

My words seemed to have made a difference. As I held her, I didn’t think about the thirst, pushing it to the back of my mind. All I was thinking was how to help her, how to make her happy again.

There were some messages from Alice, asking me already how Leilani was doing. I told her I would let her know more later. Then I tried to call Carlisle. There was no answer so I assumed he was busy with a patient.

A few minutes later as I was pouring out some tea for Leilani, my phone started ringing.

“Jasper?” Carlisle asked, sounding concerned. “I’ve just had a message from Alice. How is Leilani?”

“Did Alice tell you everything that happened?” I finished making the tea and sat back down on the stool. “She’s alright for now, Carlisle. I just made her a drink and she’s getting changed.” I explained.

“Good. Yes, Alice, told me everything that happened. She said you handled the whole situation, and that you stopped Leilani going any further.”

I supposed it was true, although Alice seemed to have made me out to be some kind of saviour and I only wished I could’ve done more.

“Do you have any advice? Should I bring her to the hospital?” She undoubtedly wouldn’t want that, but it might be what she needed.

“See how it goes first, son. There might be no need, if she’s ok. It’s probably best if Leilani stays somewhere familiar and comfortable around her loved ones. Make sure she knows she’s loved. Distract her as much as possible.” 

“I’ll do what I can,” I said.

“It sounds like you’re already doing quite well,” Carlisle exclaimed.

I smiled slightly. “Thanks, Carlisle.”

The water turned off upstairs. Not too long later I could hear Leilani beginning to descend the stairs. I picked up her tea and walked into the hallway.

“Shall we go and sit in my room?” she asked, halfway down the stairs. She was dressed in her pyjamas with a black baggy jumper over the top.

“Sure,” I replied.

In her room, Leilani sat down on the sofa. I took a seat next to her, passing her the mug of tea.

“Thanks,” she mumbled, before blowing on it and taking a sip.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” I asked her.

“Ok.”

She didn’t seem bothered about what we would watch, or about watching anything at all. I found another Disney movie as she seemed to like those. The last one had helped her mood and she had enjoyed it.

After she finished her tea, her heart sped up slightly. I glanced at her, but she was watching the TV. Nervous, she spoke, “Do you mind if I lean on you?”

I smiled, reaching across and touching her back, feeling her soft jumper. “Of course not, come here.”

A thrill of excitement flowed through her, mirroring my own. Leilani put her legs up onto the sofa, curling up against my side. The top of her damp hair tickled my neck and the strong smell of coconut hit my senses. I could practically taste her scent. I was so lucky it was still there. Things could have gone a different way at the beach.

The physical contact really helped her. Somehow being in my arms relaxed her a great deal, despite me not using my powers. After the movie, I persuaded her to play some video games with me, and I ordered some pizza, knowing that it was her favourite. She ate a little, only a couple of slices.

It was well after dark we were watching some funny videos online. Leilani was very tired now. I could tell she was struggling to stay awake. At last, she fell asleep, lying on the sofa with her legs on my lap. When the video ended, I carefully lifted her legs so I could stand up and then carried her over to the bed.

As I gently put her down, her eyes opened. She stared up at mine.

“Go back to sleep,” I murmured. “I’ll stay on the sofa.”

“It’s too small for you,” she said, worried.

“Then I’ll go downstairs. It’s ok, don’t worry.” I pulled the covers up for her, still very close.

“Jasper,” she whispered, prompting me to stop.

I stared back at her beautiful, tired face, only inches away.

Leilani closed the distance, lifting herself up on her elbows and touching her lips to mine in a small kiss.

As quickly as it had happened, she lowered herself an inch. Her green eyes searched my face for my reaction. She was afraid, unsure, hopeful.

I had been so scared to try anything romantic with her before. In case she wasn’t ready or didn’t want that. I hadn’t expected it to happen that night.

Leaning forwards, I pressed my lips to hers, closing my eyes. She kissed me back, her lips so soft. They tasted salty and sweet, and slightly of pizza. Leilani reached up, touching the back of my hair and deepening the kiss. She moved up on the bed so she was sitting up and I sat down on the edge of the bed, putting my hands on her small waist.

It felt so good to touch her properly and kiss her. Mostly it felt right. And like Alice had said, it was going to happen.

After a few minutes we pulled apart. Leilani put her arms around my neck, burying her face there. I held her, rubbing her back with my eyes closed, just enjoying the feeling of being that close to her, and taking pleasure in all her emotions, too.

Slowly her arms loosened around me.

“Try and get some sleep now, ok darlin’?”

“Ok,” she whispered.

Leilani slid off her jumper and moved across the bed.

“The sofa is too small,” she insisted.

I smiled at her concern. “Alright,” I surrendered, taking off my sweater so I was still in my t-shirt and jeans.

She pulled the covers up lying down on her side, and I laid next to her on top of the duvet. We were facing each other.

Only a few minutes later Leilani had closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. At last, for now, she was at peace.


	10. Meeting

**Leilani**

I opened my eyes, taking a deep breath. The light flooding into the room meant I’d actually slept the whole night.

Remembering Jasper, I turned over, sliding my hand across the empty space on the bed. I was alone.

Sitting up, I looked around the room for any signs. He hadn’t left anything behind – he’d just disappeared. There was no way I’d dreamt him staying with me, kissing me. I touched my lips remembering the deep and passionate kiss we’d shared. It had been amazing. They hadn’t been soft as I expected. Instead firm, though he was so gentle. The kisses I’d shared with others had never been so good.

Maybe he was downstairs? I grabbed my glasses from the bedside table and pulled on my jumper. I remembered throwing it on the floor, but when I picked it up, it was neatly folded on the back of the sofa.

When I opened my door, I was greeted with the smell of bacon and eggs. I glanced at the open bathroom door before going down the stairs. Was Jasper making breakfast?

Smiling, I entered the kitchen, ready to thank him, perhaps even kiss him again.

“Morning, love,” my mum smiled, putting a plate down.

It was just my parents. Of course.

“Nice to see you so happy,” my dad grinned.

The smile started to fade from my face. Jasper wasn’t here? He’d left?

“Did you see my friend?” I asked them. “They stayed the night.”

My parents exchanged looks of confusion.

“No?” my mum said slowly. “Are you sure they stayed?”

I exhaled, starting to get annoyed. He’d just up and left? Why did he bother going to sleep next to me? Why did he kiss me back? It didn’t feel like something he would do.

“I’m depressed, not delusional.” I snapped.

“Hey,” my dad cut in. “We don’t know what those pills are doing to you.”

Were they being serious? “Do you even know what they do?”

“Leilani!” my mum scolded.

I ignored her. “Do you?”

My dad’s face reddened as he struggled to reply. “They’re supposed to make you happy, aren’t they?”

I looked to my mum, keeping my face blank despite my building anger and disappointment.

She stammered, “Yes, don’t they help with that?”

“There’s meant to help raise my serotonin levels and reduce my symptoms enough so that I can focus on therapy to find out what is really wrong with me.” I explained.

My dad scoffed, shaking his head. “All these fancy words and things instead of just telling kids to exercise and eat properly.”

I couldn’t be in that room with them any longer. Turning around, I left the kitchen.

Behind me I heard my mum say, “there was really no need for that, Will-,”

I didn’t care to listen anymore, going upstairs and back to my room. They’d had almost two weeks to look up my illness. They really hadn’t had ten minutes to do a quick internet search? I had a dozen leaflets still from Carlisle which I’d left in the living room. They hadn’t even looked at them? Didn’t they care what medication I was on? So long as I was happy and not a problem?

I slumped down on my bed, pulling my glasses off and sighing into my hands. Where the hell was Jasper?

* * *

**Jasper**

Leilani was so calm when she was asleep. Although I was partially responsible for that. I just wanted to make sure she was as relaxed as possible. After everything she had been through, she deserved a good night’s sleep.

I held my breath, resting my hand on her forearm that was below the covers. She was so warm. My throat was aching. I’d only hunted the day before, and I’d have to hunt again. Perhaps I’d be able to rush back before she woke up.

My phone buzzed, bringing me out of my thoughts. Edward had sent a message in the family group chat. ‘ _Family meeting. Now.’_

That was the first message he’d sent in a while. My brother had been quite absent lately, spending time at the university to get his work done and then running off into the woods to be alone. He had no interest in being around people at the moment.

As I slowly got up, Leilani rolled over to face the wall. I continued keeping the air around her peaceful and relaxed. She sighed, her heart rate slowing once more as she settled into a deep sleep.

I picked up her sweater from the floor and laid it down on the back of the couch. I retrieved my own and took one last look at her from the window before departing into the night.

At our house, I followed the sound of voices out the back and into the woods. I kept running until I reached them at a clearing. The whole family was there, and apparently the arguing had already started without me.

“Hi Jasper,” Esme greeted me, politely.

“What’s going on?” I asked them.

“Shouldn’t you be telling us that?” Rosalie snarled.

“Babe,” Emmett started.

“Edward,” I looked at him. His eyes were dark and his hair was a mess along with his dishevelled clothes. “What did you call us here for?”

Alice jumped down from the tree branch she had been sitting on. “Sorry, Jas,” she said. “It’s my fault.”

“I saw one of her visions.” Edward exclaimed. “You’re in love with a human?”

All eyes were on me. I wasn’t sure what to say. Love had never been something I consciously thought about. I cared for Leilani a lot. She had been on my mind almost constantly. Especially since we-

“You kissed her.” Edward spoke.

 _Damn his mind reading powers_.

Esme smiled, pleased and happy for me.

“Alright,” Emmett grinned. Rosalie slapped his arm.

“Actually, she sort of kissed me,” I couldn’t help correcting him.

Carlisle was concerned, naturally. “This complicates things.”

“What’s so complicated, Carlisle? It’s love,” Esme said.

“What was your vision, Alice?”

She walked over to stand next to me. “I saw her with you,” she told me. “And knowing the truth about us. I guess it doesn’t matter to her what we are.”

I stood there, stunned for a moment. Leilani knowing the truth and accepting us would be incredible. Us being together, her being alive and well, and her completely understanding what we were. Would she become one of us?

“Yes,” Edward answered my thoughts. “You’d damn that innocent girl to this life.” He growled. “That’s not love. That’s murder.”

I glared at him. How could he say that? A lifetime with Leilani could never be a tragedy. His views were twisted. “I’d never do that to her,” I said out loud. Some things were to important to be kept inside. “I’m only interested in what she wants, and you all know I’d never be able to do it myself.”

Rosalie cut in, “So that’s it. You’re just going to tell her without any consideration of us? We just have to accept that?” She crossed her arms, seething with rage.

“No,” I shook my head. “Rose, I’m not going to tell her until everyone’s ready.”

“Well I’m never going to be ready so you should just forget it.”

“Babe,” Emmett tried to reach for her, but she pushed his arm away, stomping off over a hill.

I looked away. The darkness was lifting as it turned to early morning.

“Do whatever you want,” Edward muttered. He jumped up into a tree and climbed away.

Alice gave me a hug. “You know how I feel.”

I smiled slightly, giving her a squeeze. “Thanks, Alice.”

She skipped away in the direction of home.

Carlisle and Esme came over to me.

“I’m so glad you’ve found some happiness,” Esme kissed my cheek.

“Be careful,” Carlisle nodded to me.

I nodded back, turning to Emmett.

“This got a bit out of control, didn’t it?” he laughed.

I chuckled, moving past him towards where Rosalie had gone. It was time to confront the beast.

Rosalie was sitting at the top of a steep hill overlooking a stream, throwing a pile of conkers into the water below.

I sat down beside her, grabbing one of the small brown nuts and throwing it in. It landed with a quiet plop.

“You can’t manipulate my emotions into making me agree.” She muttered, throwing another conker.

“I wasn’t going to,” I replied, truthfully. After a moment of silence, I spoke again, “What’s your issue, Rose? You’ve not even met her.”

“We have a life here, Jas,” she answered. “If she tells someone else, or you eat her then that’s it. We can’t come back.”

I smiled slightly. “Trust me, no one wants her to stay alive in this family more than I do.”

Rosalie snorted. “True.”

We threw a few more conkers into the stream, the anger around Rosalie slowly ebbing away, though her frustration was very much present.

“What if it was Emmett?” I finally said, causing her to face me. “If he survived the bear, and you became close while he was still human. What would you do?”

She didn’t answer at first, an uncomfortable feeling rising in her replacing the anger.

“You really love her?” Rosalie said at last. It wasn’t really a question, more of a statement.

The morning light was clearer now, brightening up the autumn oranges and browns of the woods. Everything really was clear now.

“I haven’t used those words before, but yes. I do.” It felt good to say it. I had to tell Leilani. I didn’t know when, but soon, when the moment came.

“I can’t tell you want to do, Jasper.” Rosalie said. “Just promise me, you’ll always do what’s best for this family.”

I nodded. “I will. Always.”

She seemed to accept that. “Ok,” Rosalie stood up and walked off, leaving me alone on the hill.

My family accepted it, accepted her. Now I just had to hope that Alice was right – that Leilani would accept us. I glanced at my phone. It had just gone eight and I still needed to hunt. So much for getting back before she woke up. I pocketed my phone and ran through the woods.

An hour later, I parked my motorcycle in Leilani’s driveway. I’d hunted, showered, and changed. I remembered that Leilani said her parents wouldn’t be completely approving of my riding a motorcycle, but I didn’t want to push it with my family by asking to borrow one of their cars.

I rung the doorbell and waited. An older woman answered the door. She had the same green eyes and mouth as Leilani, and could only be her mother.

“Good morning,” I flashed a smile. “I’m Jasper, Leilani’s friend. Is she here?”

The woman looked at me, raising her eyebrows slightly. She was intrigued and pleasantly surprised. At Leilani’s name there was a pang of worry, too. Of course.

“Leilani!” She called out up the stairs. “Your friend is here.” The woman turned back to me. “Come in,” she said, stepping aside with the door open.

I stepped inside. She paused for a moment before shutting the door. “Did you ride here on a motorcycle?” she frowned.

“Yes, ma’am.”

She sighed. “Those things are death-traps you know?”

I tried not to laugh, keeping my expression as serious as possible. “I’m very careful, and I’ve never had an accident in three years.”

“Good,” she eyed me, walking down the hallway to the living room. If only she knew.

Leilani appeared at the top of the stairs, wearing jeans and a t-shirt with a zip up hoodie over the top. She wasn’t tired, but things seemed to have changed. In-between the affection was now confusion, annoyance.

“Where did you go?” she asked, the annoyance in her tone. She started walking down the stairs.

“Home. To shower and get changed. I thought I’d be back before you woke up.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it also wasn’t a lie.

She didn’t seem to accept it, stopping a few steps before the ground so that she was slightly higher than me. Slowly, Leilani took the final few steps, standing on the last one and holding onto the banister. I moved forwards.

“Look,” she started. “I was really tired last night. If you want to… I wouldn’t mind if…” She trailed off, nervous and unsure.

I leant forwards and kissed her, taking her hand in mine.

Leilani kissed me back, softly. She opened her eyes as we parted, looking up at me.

“I don’t regret a second of it,” I murmured.

She giggled, looking down at our hands. She was so happy, and so curious. “I really want this, too.”

“Good,” I replied. “Because I want to take you out today for lunch.”

“On your death-trap?” Leilani laughed. She must have heard her mother when I came in.

“You’ll be safe with me, I promise.” I’d already eaten.


	11. Truth

**Leilani**

While there were still some things I was unsure about, I was confident that Jasper had feelings for me. When we kissed for the second time, I felt his cold hands and thought again about how he and his family were so different. Their eyes were so similar but they weren’t all related by blood. Alice and Jasper were also always cold, and none of them seemed to eat much.

As I got ready, finding my bag and purse, I decided I would ask Jasper once we were sitting down and having lunch. If he didn’t eat much then, then I would know it wasn’t a coincidence. If he knew he would be asking me to have lunch with him, then surely, he wouldn’t have filled himself up. Surely, he would want to eat as well?

Much to my mum’s dismay, I said goodbye. I saw her standing at the front window, watching me get onto Jaspers motorcycle. I waved at her. She mouthed ‘be careful’, putting a hand on her face in worry.

I nodded, smiling, sliding my hands around Jasper’s waist. There was a small sense of confidence in me now about touching him after all the physical contact we had shared.

“Hold on,” he warned me, and I let myself hold onto him tighter which seemed to satisfy him as he started the bike.

We rode down the winding roads towards the city, the wind hitting my face. I found myself laughing, the happiest I’d felt in a while. After all the shit, I had some great friends, and I hadn’t scared Jasper away. He had seen me at my worst, and was still there. I didn’t know what we were, if we were anything, but it seemed like he actually wanted me.

It was still a bit early when we arrived in the city, so we walked around. I picked up a new video game from one of the shops, and we spent some time in the arcade. He asked me about a hundred questions from my favourite colour (electric blue), to my fondest childhood memory (visiting a bird park with my grandparents).

Strangely, when I asked him similar questions about his own past, he wasn’t so willing to open up. I supposed being adopted was difficult, however he didn’t seem troubled by it – more apathetic. Mostly, he said he couldn’t remember growing up – his favoured memory was learning to ride a horse as a child in Texas with his mother leading. I thought it was beautiful.

Except something didn’t add up. If he was from Texas, how was he so pale?

Finding a table in the food hall, I took a seat as Jasper insisted on getting the food for us. While he was queuing, I got out my phone and did a little searching.

I had no idea what I was looking for. Maybe he and his family had some kind of condition? Maybe that was why they had all found each other? Perhaps the doctor was particularly interested in helping people will a rare disorder, though that sounded really messed up in my head. It just seemed so odd that they all had the same strange eyes, the same pale skin, the lack of appetite.

As I scrolled through the search results, I could only find bullshit. A lot of them lead to supernatural websites, detailing ghosts and spectres. Obviously the Cullens weren’t ghosts. And then I found a blog post by someone. They wrote about meeting someone with cold, pale skin, and black eyes.

I thought back to standing in the hallway after Jasper had told me he cared about me. His eyes had been very dark, almost black. This person seemed to be onto something. I read further on, the author explained how people were also going missing where they lived and they felt like this strange person was connected in some way. After that there were no more posts. Frowning, I locked my phone. That hadn’t helped at all.

“Dinner is served,” Jasper place a tray of fast food down on the table in front of me.

I felt my frustration melt away as I began eating. Food had never tasted so good. I finished my huge burger along with the chicken nuggets, fries. Sitting back, I sipped my milkshake, finally focusing on what Jasper was having.

A single bag of fries, and a bottle of water.

I felt the frustration come back.

“Big breakfast?” I questioned, with no humour unlike the day before.

“I’m just not hungry.” Jasper replied, looking down at his food.

“You never are.” I said.

He glanced back up at me, “What’s wrong?”

I took a breath. I didn’t want to ruin everything, but I needed to know. “Is there something going on? You and your family… you’re just so different.”

Jasper looked awkward, dropping the fry he was holding onto the tray. “Is that a problem?” he asked.

“No,” I said at once. “And I know I said you didn’t have to tell me anything you didn’t want to. I’m just trying to understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Your strange eyes that change colour, and how you and Alice are so cold! How can all of you be adopted but be so similar? And none of you eat that much. Like you can’t maintain muscles without eating a lot. I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand.” I put my milkshake on the table, sitting back and waiting for his response.

It seemed I’d gone too far as he turned away, clearly uncomfortable with all my questions. “Can you just respect my privacy?” he said quietly. “Please, Leilani. This isn’t the right time.”

I pressed my lips together, staring at him. Jasper had been so kind to me, so supporting, but was all his secrets worth it? Did I really need more problems when I was so messed up already? After Lewis, and now seeing Jasper so private with almost everything about himself, I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to be with anyone for a while. Perhaps I was destined to be alone. This was getting so complicated.

“Then let me know when it is the right time.” I pushed against the table, my chair scraping across the floor.

“Leilani,” Jasper reached his hand across the table towards me, his golden eyes pleading.

“See you later.” I stood up, striding to the escalators.

* * *

**Jasper**

I felt like a fucking coward. My entire family had given me their blessing, yet I still couldn’t tell her. Hearing her explain everything she had noticed that was unusual, that wasn’t human, added with the annoyance from her had thrown me. Of course, she was confused, of course she was frustrated.

It had been such a great morning, getting to know her more. Although when she asked about me, I didn’t want to lie, and despite my family’s acceptance I couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t tell her. She had finally begun to feel at ease again, even confident. How could I ruin that?

And I still did.

I watched her walk away, feeling absolutely powerless. All I could do was sit there, frozen. Alice hadn’t told me that would happen. Could she have known I’d screw everything up? Could she have known I was no longer a brave soldier, instead a scared teenage boy.

I met up with my sister at the back of our house. Alice was lying in the hot tub, and as soon as I approached her, she gave me a half-smile, having undoubtedly been expecting me.

“Hey, Jas,” she closed her eyes, leaning back. “What happened?”

I leant on the railing that overlooked the immaculate garden, sighing. After a moment’s hesitation I told her “I got scared.” Even though Alice and I were so close, it was difficult to admit.

“Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?” she offered.

“I don’t know, Alice,” I replied. “It’s harder than I thought it would be.”

She reached over and turned off the jets. How was she so calm about this? I could feel everything she felt, and still had no clue what it must be like to know almost everything that would happen before it did. If only I could’ve had that gift instead.

“What’s stopping you?” Alice asked.

I shook my head, turning to face her. “I just want her to feel normal.”

To my surprise, Alice laughed, humour floating off her. “Oh, Jasper. You can change people’s emotions all day long, but you can’t change who they are.”

She stood up, climbing out and wrapping herself in a towel. “And the longer you wait, the less control you’ll have.”

“Only fortune tellers speak in riddles.” I muttered.

Alice smiled. “They also charge for their services.”

She walked away, leaving me to my thoughts. I would have to tell Leilani, but not yet. Maybe it would be possible to be there for her until she had recovered somewhat. If she’d let me.

I tried calling her. No answer. I tried again and she cut me off after the first ring. She was definitely still angry.

For a few minutes I thought about what to do, pacing back and forth across the deck. In the end I decided to send her a message. That, at least, she couldn’t ignore.

 _‘I’m sorry, Leilani’,_ I wrote. I wanted to say that I would keep my promise of telling her everything eventually, but I didn’t know if I could even keep that promise anymore.

A few seconds later, my phone buzzed in my hand as she had written back. It simply read, ‘ _Ok’_.

Messaging was so infuriating without being able to feel the other person’s emotions. Was she still pissed off? Had she accepted my apology? I didn’t think so. It was so difficult to tell. Phones were so exhausting.

I sat down on the steps, putting my phone away. I’d just have to try and talk to her again tomorrow.


	12. Ghost

**Leilani**

The next few days were long and difficult. Jasper messaged me a few times, and while I said things were fine, I didn’t ask to hang out or meet up. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to see anyone.

The medication was meant to have kicked in, although it didn’t seem to be doing much. After waking up at five in the morning and having another crying session, I decided to go and visit the doctors. All they could do was raise the dosage. My first appointment for therapy wasn’t for another two months.

I lay on my sofa, scrolling across all my games on the screen, trying to select one to play, trying for force myself to do something. Anything. In the end, I turned off the screen, palms over my eyelids.

Upon hearing a knock on my door, I sat up. My mum walked in with a cup of tea in one hand, and an envelope in the other.

“Hi love, there’s a letter for you.” She put it on the side and carried my tea over to me.

I took it, grateful. “Thanks, mum.”

“What have you been doing today?” she asked me, perching on the back of the sofa.

I glanced at my blank TV screen. “I tried to play something.”

She frowned. It was afternoon after all, and that’s all I had to show for the entire day.

“Why don’t you go for a walk? Or a run?” she suggested.

I scoffed. Could she really imagine me running?

“I’m just trying to think of things you can do, love.” My mum sighed, heading back out.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried. I’d looked up meditation, mindfulness, and all the other remedies people claimed helped them. However, when I tried a few of them they didn’t seem to make me feel any different or better. How was sitting quietly for a few minutes meant to stop me from wanting to disappear? How would going for a run stop me from crying all the time? I just couldn’t imagine it.

I stood up, looking around my room for something to do. I ran a finger across the spines of my video game boxes and opened my wardrobe. My hand brushed against the fabric of the clothes. I closed the doors again and walked over to the cupboard. On the top were framed pictures of friends and I.

I picked up the picture of Evie and I. We had our arms around each other in London by the Thames, grinning at the camera. That day had been so much fun. I felt like a completely different person now.

I went to put it back up, but the stand on the back caught on the envelope my mum had put down. It slipped over, falling to the wooden floor. The glass cracked.

“Shit,” I bend down, turning over the frame to take out the photo. As I did, the glass fell apart, dropping out of the frame.

Rolling my eyes at how stupid I was, I began picking up the pieces.

I sucked in a breath. The base of my thumb had scraped on one of the shards, leaving a small cut. It wasn’t deep enough for any blood to spill. Curious, I examined the split in the skin. It had hurt, but it had almost felt like some kind of release.

Sucking in a deep breath, I slowly moved my hand back down, pushing my thumb against the glass, letting it sink in lower and across towards my wrist. I winced, bracing myself against the pain, but still continuing to do it. I stopped just before the top of my wrist, swallowing. I deserved the pain. For being such an awful, terrible person. I deserved it all.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

Fresh tears started spilling from my eyes. I stood up, grabbing a tissue and pressing it against my hand. There wasn’t a lot of blood, but definitely enough that I’d need a dressing to put on the cut.

A few minutes later, after I’d managed to stop crying, I sorted out the mess, and my hand. On the way back to my room to finish my tea, I stopped at the door, spying the envelope on the side. I picked it up and sat down on my sofa.

It was weird. There was no stamp, no postmark. It was as if someone had just come by the house and dropped it through the letterbox. Who was it? Why hadn’t they just given it to me?

I opened the envelope and inside was an old black and white photograph of a solider in uniform. Why had I received this? Who had sent it? I flipped the photo over and saw a name on the back along with a date.

_Jasper Whitlock, 1858_

My insides twinged as I stared at the name. I turned the photo back over and squinted at the small low-quality image. The hair was the same – wavy, chin-length. The eyes, the nose… mouth.

“What the fuck?” I whispered. This was some bloody condition.

No, it had to be a joke.

My mind snapped back to when I’d been searching for information on my phone. Ghosts. Ghosts?

No, Jasper wasn’t a ghost!

Or maybe – was Jasper a ghost?

“What the _fuck_?” I repeated.

No. This wasn’t a real person. This was just a joke, probably one of his family members doing. Trying to mess with me.

I sat down at my desk, opening my laptop. I started searching for Jasper Whitlock. A history website came up with a page dedicated to the man. I clicked on the link, opening up the page.

The same picture, enlarged popped up. I sat back in my chair, starting in the eyes of the solider. The resemblance was uncanny.

I started to read the biography, finding out about the Confederate American solider, who had been the youngest major in the cavalry. Who had mysteriously disappeared, thought dead at nineteen.

This was ridiculous. It was just a coincidence that they looked exactly the same. Although…

Jasper did say he was from Texas…

I rushed down the stairs, pulling on my faux leather jacket as I went.

“Oh, you’re going out?” my mum stepped into the hallway.

“Yeah, for a walk.” I said in a hurry.

“Enjoy,” she said.

I was already out the door, hands in my pockets as I hurried down the drive. My heart was thumping in my chest. I didn’t know what was going to happen, but whatever was going on, I knew I had to find out.

It took about twenty minutes to walk to the Cullen’s house. I rung the bell, and when there was no answer, I knocked a few times.

No one was home.

I looked up, searching the windows to see if anyone was there. Maybe they just hadn’t heard me. I waited a moment, and tried the bell again. Nothing.

There was a way around the back, between the hedges. An iron gate had been left open. I slipped through, wandering down the path. Even amongst all the flowerbeds, greenhouses and garden furniture, there was not one of the large family in sight.

I walked back around to the front, closing the gate behind me and going to take a seat on the steps by the front door. I felt like an idiot. I shouldn’t have just gone over without checking first, but I hadn’t wanted to give Jasper a chance to blow me off and escape my questions.

I sat on the steps for a few minutes, thinking about what to do. I wasn’t thinking for long. At the end of the drive a black car turned in, and I looked up, squinting in the dimming light. It was Carlisle’s car.

He stopped and got out, giving me his usual warm smile. “Good evening, Leilani.”

I quickly stood up. “Hey.”

“I hope you haven’t been here long,” Carlisle started.

I shook my head. “No, I only just arrived. Do you know where Jasper is?” My hands were still in my pockets and I could feel the photo against my fingers, almost burning me, desperate to get out.

“He’s not answering his phone?” he asked.

I chewed my lip, feeling more idiotic by the second. “I haven’t tried,” I admitted.

Carlisle didn’t seem bothered. “Why don’t you come in for a cup of tea?” he suggested.

I didn’t want tea. I didn’t want to sit down and have a chat, even though Carlisle was the nicest person in the world. I didn’t think I’d be able to sit still. My hand deep in my pocket, still stinging from the glass, also made me uncomfortable at the idea. If he saw it, he might ask some questions. Difficult ones.

“No, thank you,” I replied. “I should really be going.” I began to start walking away, feeling his scrutinising gaze on me as I was acting so strangely.

“Leilani?” he called out.

I blinked heavily before turning around.

“Are you alright?” Carlisle asked.

“Yep,” I said, a lump forming in my throat. “Thanks.”

“I can drive you home,” he offered.

“It’s ok, thank you,” I quickly walked away, so that he wouldn’t be able to continue talking to me.

Once I was around the corner and on the long road, surrounded by tall hedges and trees, I took my hands from my pockets to hold my glasses in one and cover my eyes with the other. A sob escaped my mouth. I hurried onwards, trying to keep it together and look normal to anyone driving past.

After a few deep breaths, I took out my phone and stared at Jaspers number. Before I could talk myself out of it, I tapped it and held the phone to my ear, listening to the ringing. My walking slowed as I listened to the tones, my mind racing as I tried to think of what to say.

Slowly I looked up and stopped. A few metres ahead of me stood Jasper.

The phone continued to ring. My cold hands felt like they were fighting cement as I lowered my phone. He looked sad, scared to come closer.

“Jasper,” I took a step forward.

He took one back. “Don’t come any closer,” he choked, turning his head to the side.

“Why, what’s wrong?” I took another step and he put up his hand, holding it out.

Why was he being so weird? I was no longer thinking about getting answers from him, I just wanted to know if he was ok.

I pulled my hands out my pockets and tried again to get closer.

A low, deep, animalistic growling came from his throat as he turned further away to hide his face.

A chill ran up my spine and I was rooted to the spot. That sound had been unlike anything I’d ever heard. It was inhuman.

Very quietly, so quiet that I almost missed it, he spoke. “Your hand.”

I touched the plaster on my right hand. What about it?

Jasper covered his mouth and nose with both of his hands, crouching.

“What is it?” I asked. And then it clicked. “The blood?”

He nodded once. It was enough.

Pale, cold skin. Strange eyes. Unchanging appearance. Immortality. He was never hungry, because normal food would never satisfy him.

Jasper wasn’t a ghost. He was a vampire.

I took a deep breath. “Jasper-,”

The road was empty. As quickly as he had appeared, he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't super happy with this chapter but I sort of have an idea where things are going now which is good at least :)


	13. Vampire

**Leilani**

Late that night, I sat on my window seat, staring out the window in my pyjamas. My window was open a crack and I was getting chilly, but I didn’t care.

It had become a habit, now. To let in the little things that usually bothered me. Letting my hip get scraped against the corner of the kitchen counter. Letting the bathroom door open against my foot too hard. All small punishments because I was too weak to do anything more substantial. They would have to do for now.

My back against the wall started sliding down, putting my neck at an uncomfortable angle. I closed my eyes, forcing myself to stay there. I didn’t know what to do with the Jasper situation at all. Perhaps I didn’t need to do anything. Just walk away from him. From everything. Everyone would be all the happier for it. The Cullens could keep all their secrets.

I slid down too far which really strained my neck, making me instinctively sit back up. That was enough for now. Rubbing the back of my neck, the ends of my hair brushing against my hand, I turned the light off and got into bed.

I snuggled down below the covers, taking a few minutes as it started to warm up. Of course, not tired at all, I began browsing some videos on my phone.

A message popped up. From Jasper.

_I’m outside._

I stared at the message for a second and then put my phone down. Without thinking, I switched my lamp back on. I went back over to the window and opened it wide. Down below, he was standing in the drive, looking up at me.

“What are you doing here?” I said as quietly as I could so my parents wouldn’t hear, but loud enough that hopefully he would hear me.

“To explain. Can I come in?” Jasper asked.

I peered at my door over my shoulder, worried my parents might hear if I opened the front door downstairs. I’d have to disable the alarm too.

“Ok, I’ll go and open the door.” I whispered down to him.

“No need, step back.”

He wasn’t going to _climb_ through the window?

He was.

Suddenly Jasper was gripping onto the window frame, pulling himself through into my room with ease. I couldn’t stop myself from standing there, staring at his dishevelled appearance.

“You’ve got a leaf.” I nodded, motioning towards his chin length wavy blonde hair.

He ran his fingers through the messy strands and pulled it out before tossing it out the window.

“Thanks.”

We stood there awkwardly for a minute, neither of us seeming to know what to say or how to start.

“So, you’re a-,” I began.

At the same time, he started, “How did you-,”

Both of us stopped, and I smiled slightly.

“You first,” he said.

I took a seat on the sofa. “Do you want to sit down? And can you shut the window?”

“Sure,” he did what I asked, sitting down beside me, although keeping as much distance between us as possible.

Aware of my hand, I crossed my arms, keeping it under my elbow.

“So, you’re a vampire?” I broke the silence.

Jasper nodded. “Yeah.”

“This is insane. I… how?”

He hesitated for a moment. “It’s quite a long story.”

I stood up, retrieving my jacket from the floor and pulling the photo out of the pocket. I held it up, sitting back down. “This is you. From the Eighteen hundreds?”

“Yeah, it is,” he replied. “How did you get this?”

I shrugged. “It was posted to me. There was no letter, just this in an envelope. I thought it was some kind of joke. Or that you were a ghost.”

I expected him to laugh at me for thinking he was a ghost, but he didn’t. Instead he took the photo and looked at it closely, turning it over. “Alice,” he murmured.

“Alice send this to me?” I frowned. “Why?”

Unexpectedly, Jasper smiled. “I think she’s rooting for us.”

I shook my head. “But tell me, you were born in Texas. You became a solider. For the Confederacy?” I cringed. “You’re not still-?” I broke off, not wanting to say the words out loud.

Jasper did it for me. “Am I still a racist?” he shook his head. “I have no excuse for my actions. While it was expected of me, I also wanted the glory that came with the war. I’ve done some horrible things.”

I listened, trying to process all the facts.

“After only two years, I was found by another vampire – Maria. She turned me for her own wars. The vampire wars in the South which were constant battles over territory.” He continued. “Normally she only kept newborns.”

“Newborns?”

“The first year after being turned is when we’re at our strongest,” Jasper explained. “That’s why Maria only wanted to keep them.”

“What happened after the first year?” I questioned, already knowing the answer.

“They were killed.” He swallowed, looking straight ahead. His eyes seemed very far away. “It was my job, to dispose of them.”

That must have been horrible. I wanted to say something, but couldn’t find anything that would make any difference.

“I was different – I’m not like other vampires. That’s why she never got rid of me. Some of us have gifts.”

“What do you mean?”

Jasper turned back to face me. “I always know how you feel. I know how you’re feeling now. Curious, concerned, sad, alone.”

I stared at him, my breaths shallow and my throat stung. “How?” I mumbled hoarsely.

“I’m an empath. I can feel everyone else’s emotions, and in turn change them. I could make someone angry, or excited, or calm.”

Instantly one thought came to my mind. “You could change how I feel. If you wanted to,” I whispered, looking down at my crossed legs.

Jasper touched my left hand and held it. “I wish I could, Leilani. I’m sorry, it doesn’t work like that.”

I nodded, pressing my lips together. My throat really ached now.

“I can only change what’s on the surface in the moment, not your thoughts or symptoms.”

“I understand.” I closed my eyes. At least holding his hand felt good. “How did you escape?”

Jasper continued recounting his story. He told me all about Peter and Charlotte, who had convinced him to run away with them. And then how he’d met Alice. She had already been waiting for him, ready to become his little sister and take him to meet the rest of their new family. They’d lived and travelled together ever since.

“We have several residences all over the world that we move to every few years. We can’t stay for too long because people would notice we don’t age. Of course, there have been a few,” he paused. “Slip ups. People getting suspicious, or murders.”

“Earlier,” I said. “You couldn’t stand being near me.”

“Please, forgive me for that, Leilani,” Jasper grimaced. “It’s easier if I’m prepared for it.”

“By eating before?” I furrowed my brow.

“Animals,” Jasper said, quickly. “My family only drink the blood of animals. That’s why our eyes are golden instead of red.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding.

“It’s not the same, though. Animals can never truly satisfy us. And being the last one in the family to change my… diet, means that I have the most trouble.”

I took a few minutes to go through everything he’d said. “So, you don’t age, you drink animal blood for food, you can change people’s emotions. Tell me more about vampires.”

It turned out vampires were also fast, strong, had extremely heightened senses.

“You are taking this a lot better than I thought you would.” Jasper exclaimed.

I took a deep breath. “It’s quite a bit, but we’re friends, Jasper. I know you’d never hurt me.” Quickly I remembered he could feel how much I liked him, and I turned away, my cheeks very warm.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, an amused smile forming on his face out the corner of my eye.

“I’m just so aware now that you know how I feel.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” he took my hand again. “I love it.”

His words did nothing to stop me blushing, and I smiled to myself, holding his hand. We sat like that for a few minutes, enjoying each other’s company.

“If I’ve answered all your questions,” Jasper said. “Then I have some for you.”

I looked back at him - my eyebrows raised. “What do you want to know?” After everything he had said about vampires, I didn’t have anything remotely interesting to tell.

“What happened to your hand?”

My smile faltered. He knew exactly how I was feeling. It would be impossible to lie to him without him knowing it, perhaps only if I was the most confident person in the world. Even without his gift, I wondered if I was possible to lie to any vampire when they could pick out every detail.

“Broken photo frame. It was the glass,” I said.

Jasper touched my right shoulder and trailed his hand down to mine, turning it over in my lap so my palm was facing up. “You did this yourself,” he stated.

After what felt like a long time, I whispered, “Yes.”

“Leilani,” Jasper said, looking very serious. “I need you to promise me you won’t hurt yourself again.”

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat away and took an unsteady breath. “I don’t know how to answer that because, if I say yes, what happens when I do? And if I say no, I’m scared I’ll never see you again.” I blinked a few times, trying to clear my vision. “What do you think happened with my ex?”

“Listen to me,” said Jasper.

Slowly I brought my eyes up to his face. “I’m not going anywhere, Leilani. At least promise me you’ll try. If you think about hurting yourself, tell me, please.”

“Ok,” I breathed, one of the tears escaping down my cheek. “I’ll try.” Letting go of Jaspers hands, I brushed it away.

He had begun leaning forwards, towards me. Soon enough we were only inches from each other. I was still looking down at our hands, but I could feel his presence nearing me.

“Is this too close?” I asked, worried about him being able to smell my hand.

“No,” he murmured. “Not close enough.”

I didn’t move, waiting for him. “Then come here.”

Jasper’s hands moved to my waist as he moved to pull me into an embrace. I couldn’t sit still any longer, bringing myself forwards against him, into his arms. 

He held me, tightly, securely. I quickly began to relax against his rock-hard chest, breathing in the wooden scent and closing my eyes. I didn’t know whether it was natural or if Jasper was influencing me. Either way, it felt good, and I enjoyed it.

“I think I’m ok with this,” I mumbled.

“What?” he asked.

“You being a vampire.”

He laughed. “Good.”

I smiled against his shirt.

We stayed there a bit longer, until I shivered. I pulled away to rub my arms.

“You should try and get some sleep,” Jasper said. “It’s past one.”

“What about you?”

“Oh,” he smiled sheepishly. “I, uh, don’t.”

I stared at him. “You don’t sleep?”

He shook his head. “Never.”

“That must kind of suck. Not being able to turn off for a few hours.”

“Honestly, I don’t remember what that’s like.”

I stood up, and so did Jasper.

“When will I next see you?” I asked him.

“If you want me to, I can stay.”

There was no denying I wasn’t pleased at the idea. “Won’t you be bored?”

He grinned, “I can keep the other monsters away.”

I smiled. “Alright.”

Taking his hand, I led him towards the bed. I got under the covers and slid across. I pulled up my pillow against the headboard so I could lean against it. Jasper sat on top of the covers, doing the same with the second pillow.

“I don’t get much sleep these days, anyway,” I said.

“How come?” Jasper lent his shoulder against the pillow he could look at me easier.

I mirrored him. “It just takes me ages to get to sleep. And then I usually wake up really early. I think it’s another depression thing.”

Jasper met my eyes. “I could always help you with that.”

I looked down at the pink floral duvet cover, fiddling with it between my fingers. “How? Isn’t that difficult? Doesn’t it use energy,” I stammered, feeling my heart rate speed up. I was so aware of everything I was doing now that I knew what Jasper was.

He placed his hand on top of mine, stroking it gently. “It’s very easy. I’ve had a lot of practice.”

I took a breath, trying to steady my racing heart, hesitating before meeting his eyes again. They were so warm. Finally, I asked, “Will you show me how it works?”

“Yeah,” he said in a soft voice. “Lie down and get comfortable.”

I moved my pillow down and pulled up the covers as Jasper switched the lamp off, plunging the room into darkness.

At once, I felt all my muscles melting into the mattress. My heart rate slowed and my breathing evened. I closed my eyes, all the bad feelings so far away. Any awkwardness or embarrassment I’d had just evaporated. I was almost floating. It was bliss.

I couldn’t even find the strength to say anything, or even move. I was totally relaxed.

The last thing I heard was Jasper wishing me goodnight, before darkness took me.


	14. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reached 34k words today! This has been such a challenge so far, but I'm so glad I decided to do it and write this story. 
> 
> After writing this chapter I have realised I would like to include some more intimacy and am likely to try writing some smut for the first time. I'll be sure to include a little warning in the notes of the chapter it happens in. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

**Jasper**

Leilani slept so peacefully. I had been relieved when she had let me help her get some rest. The dark circles under her tired eyes, combined with her restlessness only showed how little sleep she had been getting.

I had spent some of the night on my phone. I’d briefly thought about messaging Alice, but knew it was pointless as she would probably have seen everything anyway. I also preferred to talk to her in person about the photograph she’d posted through Leilani’s front door. She hadn’t exactly told her the truth, but the clue had been enough. I was both glad Alice had done it, and mildly annoyed about her meddling.

I wondered what would have happened if things had gone another way. If I’d finally been brave enough to talk to Leilani, and how long it would have taken me. Maybe she would’ve had enough before then.

Glancing over to her sleeping form, I listened to her steady heard beat and her breathing. There was no way I could’ve left, and deep down I must have known it would always end up this way, ever since I saw her for the first time.

How god-damn lucky I was that she accepted me.

I spent a good few hours working on my assignments for university, typing them out in an email to myself. I didn’t have any books with me, but there were enough resources online, and having done the degree so many times I could remember some of the sources.

It was starting to get light out as I browed Leilani’s shelves, thinking about things that we could do together. I looked at some of her photos that she’d put in frames and dotted around her room. There were some of her with her friends in London and other various places. She looked so happy, but I couldn’t tell if her grins were genuine. Perhaps she hadn’t been feeling herself, even then.

When she woke up, she hummed, stretching and slowly opening her eyes.

“Mornin’,” I smiled at her, leaning on my elbow, facing her on the bed.

“Hey,” Leilani rubbed her eyes. “What time is it?”

“Nine,” I answered.

She rolled over to face me, smiling back. “Really? Then I think we can conclude that your magic powers work.”

“They meet your standard, Leilani?” I raised my eyebrows, still smiling.

“Just about,” she tried to be serious but giggled, pulling the covers over her face so only her green eyes were visible. “I can’t believe you’re here, Jasper.” Her voice was slightly muffled by the duvet. “This is so crazy.”

I laughed. “What’s crazy is how I can’t stop thinking about you, or stay away from you. _A human_.”

She lowered the covers below her face as some of the humour drained out of her. “How is this going to work?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, honestly. “I don’t know any vampire who’s ever done this before.”

“Me neither,” she joked.

We both laughed.

“I suppose hunting at five and a movie date a six?” She paused. “No, but seriously,” Leilani sat up and so did I, so we were leaning against the pillows on the headboard. “I guess it would be the same as before, just with more,” she trailed off, licking her lips, glancing at my own.

“That sounds like a great plan,” I murmured, inching closer towards her.

Leilani closed her eyes, her breathing gradually getting heavier as we were very close. I could smell her breath, feeling it on my face. I closed my eyes, too, as our lips touched.

She moved her left hand to touch my cheek and neck as we deepened the kiss. Our lips moved slowly against each other. I moved my hand around her waist, my fingers taking their time to move underneath the fabric to touch her soft bare skin. With the wave of pleasure coming from her, I knew she was enjoying herself just as much as I was.

Carefully, I moved my hand further up around her back, past the point of where the back of her bra would have been if she had been wearing one. I began to bring my hand around towards her front, by her ribs, when she pulled out of the kiss.

She quickly moved her hand from my neck to my elbow, preventing me from going any further. “I’m sorry,” she breathed, looking up at me, the worry in her eyes. “I’m not ready for that yet.”

Immediately, I took my hand away. “No, don’t apologise. _I’m_ sorry.” I insisted. “I never want to do anything you don’t want me to. And please don’t ever feel pressured.”

She frowned. “Are you sure that’s ok?”

I stared at her. Something was off. The most logical conclusion I could think of was that she’d had a bad experience with someone before. Maybe her ex.

“Of course, Leilani,” I told her. “I only want to be with you, and for you to be happy. I really care about you.”

She snuggled up to me, and I put my arm around her. “And what about your happiness?” she asked.

I rubbed her arm. “Taking things slow will make me happy,” I exclaimed, feeling the relief and joy coming from her.

“Thank you, Jasper.”

I held her tighter. “No problem.”

She grew anxious again and I was going to ask her what was wrong when she spoke. “There’s something you should know, too.”

The way she was so worried had my mind racing as to what she wanted to tell me. “What is it?”

“The medication I’m on. It’s- it’s kind of ruined some things for me. Like… _that_ ,” Leilani paused. “I don’t know how long it will take to get back to normal.” She sighed. “If it ever does.”

“What do you mean?”

She blushed. “My sex drive,” she mumbled.

God, she was having a hard time. “I’m sorry. It’s ok, I promise you, Leilani. We’re just taking things slow.”

Some of the doubt ebbed away, but not all of it. It probably wouldn’t be possible for her to fully believe it until more time passed and she could see the evidence for herself that I was completely fine.

“Thanks for being so understanding. I really appreciate it.”

We sat quietly together for a while, snuggled up together on the bed.

“How have you been doing?” I asked her, breaking the silence.

She didn’t reply. If it hadn’t been for the fact I could feel her sorrow and bleakness, I might have thought she hadn’t heard me. After a moment Leilani said, “they upped my medication.”

“It wasn’t working or-?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t feeling any better, and I guess every time I complain they’ll just drug me more.” She laughed, humourlessly.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you,” I took her hand. I wished there was something I could do, but this was something only time would change.

“Me too,” she whispered. “What are we going to do today?” Leilani asked.

“It’s your choice,” I said.

“I don’t know.” She was frustrated now. “Let’s do something you want to do.”

“Ok,” I thought about places nearby that we could visit. It had rained in the night, but stopped, leaving it cloudy outside. “We could go for a walk. I know somewhere nice we can go.”

“Alright.” Satisfied, Leilani got out of the bed and started straightening up her pillow.

She grabbed her glasses and put them on before running a hand through her short messy hair and started walking towards the door. She opened it, stopped, and looked at me, eyes wide.

“What?” I asked, wondering why she was suddenly so panicked. 

“Oh noooo,” Leilani groaned, covering her face with her hands. “Noooo.”

“What’s wrong?”

“You bloody vampires and your bloody super-hearing! Your whole family’s heard me take a dump!” Leilani wailed.

I tried so hard not to laugh, putting a hand over my mouth. I didn’t try hard enough, clearly, as the laughter escaped into the open.

“Don’t laugh at me!” she cried, hands on her cheeks, her eyes glistening. “This is serious.”

“I’m sorry, Leilani, it’s ok!” I was still struggling against the laughter. “We are around humans almost every day. It’s something we’ve learned to block out.”

She cringed, shaking her head.

“It’s fine! We all used to do it.”

Leilani wrenched open a drawer and pulled out some earphones, thrusting them into my hands. “Nope. Listen to music, or watch a video. I don’t care - just not,” she trailed off with another recoil and headed back to the door.

“Leilani,” I called out.

She turned back, the frown still present on her face.

“You’re so cute.”

Her face softened as she took pleasure in the compliment. Still, she pointed to the earphones and then left, shutting the door behind her.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her they wouldn’t do much. Nevertheless, I put on some music, focusing on the song and blocking out any sounds coming from outside the room.

* * *

**Leilani**

I took a quick shower and told Jasper to go downstairs while I got dressed. I wanted to feel good, so I decided to put on something nice, but still casual enough to go on a walk. I shoved the hangers aside in my wardrobe, settling on a blue and white floral skater dress, with a cream jumper with matching boots that were fluffy on the inside. I put some tights on as well so I wouldn’t be too cold, along with my jacket.

As I blow dried my hair in the mirror, I lifted some of the strands where the brown was coming through. Maybe I could dye it again, I thought, if it mattered.

Almost ready, I walked over to my bedside table to pick up my rings, when I spied a silver necklace Evie had bought me. I put it on, touching the tiny blue gem. I’d have to talk to her soon.

Stepping down the stairs, Jasper, who must have heard me, walking into the hallway.

“Ready to go?” I asked him.

“Yeah,” he nodded, meeting me on the last step. He had his arms outstretched, one hand on the wall and the other on the hand rail. “Leilani, you’re all dressed up.”

I smiled. “I just put on a dress. Amazing what a good night’s sleep and a shower can do.”

He stared at me. “You look beautiful.”

I held out my hands so he could take them. “Thanks. I wanted to feel good about myself.”

Jasper took my hands, and lifted one of them towards his mouth. He kissed it, making me blush.

“Jasper,” I mumbled, trying not to let a girly giggle escape. Oh, how it wanted to.

“What? I want to treat you like a lady.”

“Yeah, but you can’t say that. I’m not a-,” I put on a posh English voice, “Lady.”

Jasper grinned. “You love it.”

I shook my head, still smiling, moving around him towards the front door. One of my hands was still in his as I led him out of the house.

“So, where are we going?” I asked as we walked down the drive, hand in hand.

“You’ll see.” We reached the end of the drive and he let go of my hand. “First, I’ll get my bike and meet you here. I’ll only be a couple of minutes.”

I tilted my head, wondering where we would be going that involved driving there first. “Sure,” I said slowly. “See you in a minute.”

While I waited for Jasper, I checked my phone, sending a message to Evie asking to chat later. I also looked at my calendar, seeing that next week I’d be going back to Uni. My time off had seemed to pass both fast and slow. The days dragged, but somehow my four weeks were nearly up.

Already I could hear Jasper’s motorcycle and I pocketed my phone, seeing him approach. He handed me a helmet. “Your chariot awaits, ma’am.”

“God, don’t call me ma’am.” I laughed, putting on the helmet. “I’m not fifty.”

“Sweetie? Baby? Honey bear?” Jasper joked as I swung my leg over, making sure my dress wouldn’t fly up in the wind. I didn’t need the traffic to see my knickers.

I made a retching sound at his suggestions.

Jasper laughed. He looked over his shoulder, making eye contact with me. “Alright, darlin’.”

That made me smile. “Ok, that I can work with.” Especially with that Texan accent.

Jasper seemed to know exactly where he was going as he sped down the country roads. We hadn’t gone onto the motorway so I knew we weren’t leaving the city.

My hands were starting to get cold in the wind so I pulled down my sleeves. Too bad Jaspers chest wasn’t giving off any warmth.

I wondered where we were going until I saw a sign for some gardens and he turned off into a car park. I’d been there before with my parents once, years ago. It would be wonderful to make some new memories with Jasper.

The gardens were quite empty as it was so late in the year. Only a few other people were around, some of them walking their dogs. Jasper and I held hands as we walked down one of the paths. The bare branches of the trees towered above, most of their leaves scattered across their roots amongst the grass.

It was so quiet and peaceful. Occasionally we could hear the birds, a dog barking, and as we followed the paths there were the sounds of tiny waterfalls and streams.

“This place is really pretty,” I said, looking at some of the colourful plants that were still flowering. “I’ve been here before, with my parents.”

“In the summer?” Jasper asked.

I shook my head, “No, a long time ago. To me, anyway.” I eyed him with a smile. “I think I must have been fourteen.”

“Wow, such a long time.” He teased.

“Shut up,” I bumped my shoulder against his arm.

We were nearing the small hedge maze now, which gave me an idea. I let go of his hand, stepping forwards towards the entrance. “Time to test your vampire senses.”

Jasper smirked, but before he could say anything I had rushed into the maze. I hurried around the corners, an excited thrill racing through me. I couldn’t remember any of it from when I had been there before, but it wasn’t so difficult that I was unable to find my way to the centre.

I couldn’t see Jasper anywhere. I climbed the little platform in the middle, which overlooked the whole maze. My eyes traced each pathway, searching.

Suddenly there was a pair of hands on my shoulders and I let out a yelp of surprise. Jasper spun me around, laughing. Hands still on my shoulders, he bent down to kiss me.

I kissed him back, my eyes closed as I enjoyed the feel and taste of him. My hands touched his chest and we got closer to each other. It was amazing.

Until I felt a cold wet drop on the back of my neck. I reached around to touch it, pulling away, just as another drop landed on my glasses. I blinked a few times, trying to get used to the distorted view.

And then the sky opened. In just a few seconds water was hitting the gardens all around us, pattering loudly onto the leaves. The heavy droplets began to soak us.

I let out a small scream, rushing to the steps and to the exit. Jasper was following me, laughing.

We ran out of the maze and to a shelter nearby which had some benches inside. Immediately I started straightening up my hair with my fingers. I took my glasses off, trying to wipe the lenses on my dress, which was also slightly wet.

Jasper shook his head like a dog, sending water everywhere.

“Jasper!” I cried, trying to shield myself with my arms, giggling.

He gave me the stupidest looking grin I’d ever seen.

“You wanker,” I sat down, continuing to wipe my glasses.

He put on a mock English accent, “Wanker?”

I laughed, “You sound like Oliver Twist.”

Jasper sat next to me, so close that our arms and thighs were touching. Satisfied with my glasses, I put them back on and pushed them up. I turned my head slightly to see him smiling at me.

“Thanks for bringing me here,” I said. I had started to feel a little more like myself again, even just for the odd moment. Maybe eventually I’d no longer feel like a stranger in my own body. I couldn’t imagine it, but the possibility seemed to be there at least.

“Thank you for coming with me,” Jasper replied. He put his arm around me, pulling me closer.

I leant my head back expectantly, my eyes closed. Jasper chuckled and obliged, giving me another kiss.

“How would you feel about meeting my family?” he asked.

I raised my eyebrow. “Jasper, I’ve already met your family. Haven’t I?” Did he mean something else? Were there _more_ of them?

“I know, I mean properly. As my,” he paused, his golden eyes brightening up. “Girlfriend.”

I couldn’t stop the squeal that burst from my mouth and I quickly put a hand to my lips. My cheeks were warm.

Jasper rubbed my back, letting out another laugh. “Don’t be embarrassed, Leilani. You’re adorable.”

I gave him a hug. Jasper was my boyfriend. I felt like a giddy teenager. A vampire boyfriend. What was I getting myself into?

“I’ll think about it,” I told him. I didn’t want to agree just yet since I definitely wasn’t ready. They had seemed welcoming enough before, but that was when I was just a friend and nothing more. I was certain it was bad enough Jasper was going out with a human, let alone a sick depressed one. The idea of any of them disliking me, which would be fairly easy for them to do, made me feel sick.

“They already love you,” Jasper tried to assure me, giving me a comforting squeeze.

“If you say so.”

“It’s true,” he continued. “I asked all of them if they were happy for me to tell you the truth about us. And they all agreed.” Jasper then added, “More or less.”

I sighed. “Ok. I’m just not ready yet.”

“That’s fine,” said Jasper. “We’ll wait until you are.”

There was a moment of silence. I listened to the rain as it started to clear up, the droplets sounding lighter by the second. “Sorry,” I mumbled.

“If I hear you apologise one more time,” Jasper threatened, “I’m taking you home.”

That made me smile. “Ok, sorry.”

He pulled away from me, staring with raised eyebrows. “What did I just say?”

“Ok, ok! S-,” I cut myself off and pressed my lips together.

“That’s better.” Jasper stood up, holding out his hand for me.

I took it, getting to my feet. The rain seemed to have stopped for now, so we headed towards the café.

We sat opposite each other in the warm by the window. I had a cup of tea with some chocolate cake that tasted amazing. The two of us chatted for an hour, sometimes holding hands across the table, sometimes staring at each other and giving compliments. It was a truly magical time.

Too bad, like everything, it had to end.


	15. Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My longest chapter so far! Enjoy :)

**Leilani**

The last night before I was due to return to Uni, my mum brought me a cup of tea in my room and put it down on my desk where I was sitting.

“Thanks,” I said, looking away from my laptop screen. I’d been reading over some of the material I’d missed while I’d been away. Eight lectures and one assignment which I’d managed to get an extra month’s extension on. I had already been behind when I started the year, and I had at least fifty more hours of work to do. I was just about ready to curl up into a corner and cry.

“You don’t need to get it all done in one go,” my mum put a hand on my shoulder, rubbing it. “No need to stress yourself out again.”

But the whole reason I’d gotten so stressed out was from not working hard enough! “I’ll try,” I mumbled.

“Good girl,” she left me alone.

My typing was sluggish as I spent at least ten minutes writing a single sentence. Each time I thought about how bad my writing was, I could picture my dad’s disappointed expression at finding out I’d barely scraped a pass on my Masters. He always told me, time and time again, there was no point doing anything if you weren’t going to do it well.

What was the point in working on this? I shut my eyes tightly, trying to move past it. I had to do this. I had started my Masters and I was going to finish it.

I opened my eyes and started writing some more. At the end of two painful hours, I had just about finished the exercise in five hundred and three words. It wasn’t my best work, and I didn’t have the energy to look it over. I hit print, gathering several copies for the workshop in my seminar tomorrow. At least I had something.

I slipped them into my folder and into my bag by the door before getting ready for bed. I couldn’t relax, so I have no idea how I managed to get to sleep. All I could think about was the seminar, and I wouldn’t let myself get consumed by anything. I was far too on edge for that.

The next day, I spent some time looked at some more Uni stuff, checking I had everything prepared, or as much as I could. After lunch I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to just go into the city early. At least then there was no chance I’d be late.

I had a few hours to kill so I sat at one of the computers in the library, a pile of books beside me for one of my assignments.

A notification popped up, alerting me to a new email. It was from the lecturer I was meant to be having the seminar with in a couple of hours. She hoped I was feeling better and that I’d be showing up. She also assured me I didn’t need to bring any preparation and that I could just take it easy for the next few weeks as extensions could be arranged for the other assignments.

I read through the email, leaning back in the chair as my shoulders relaxed. Getting that email had been a bit of a relief, now the pressure was off.

I opened my folder, looking at the piece I’d printed the night before. It wasn’t terrible. There was the freedom now not to share it, but I kind of wanted to now. I put it back into the folder, a renewed sense of confidence flowing through me. I was going to share it.

_If it’s that bad, I’ll just kill myself._

I looked up at the ceiling as if telling my brain to shut the fuck up. There was no need for that.

Sighing, I opened a book and began to flick through it. Opposite me there was movement on the other side of the desk as someone at down. When I looked up, I recognised one of the girls around my age from my course.

She noticed me looking at her and gave me a small wave and a smile.

I smiled back, looking down again to the book.

“Hey,” she whispered

Turning back to her again, I was surprised for a moment that she wanted to talk to me.

“Where have you been? I haven’t seen you in ages. Leilani, right?” She had long black hair and very fair skin.

“Ill,” I whispered. “You’re Naomi?”

“Yeah.” Her brow furrowed. “I hope you’re doing ok?”

I shrugged. “I’m alive,” I said honestly. For some reason I felt comfortable enough around her that I could share what was going on with me.

“Burned out?” she asked, smiling sadly.

I nodded.

“That sucks.” She started typing what must have been her login as she then leant on her elbow on the desk.

I was about to carry on working, thinking our conversation was done, when she spoke again.

“Leilani, are you busy for Halloween?”

I shook my head.

“Katelyn and I are going to visit the clubs in the city. Do you want to come with us?” She watched me, her brown eyes hopeful. “We’re gunna dress up – she’s going as Supergirl and I haven’t decided yet.”

I was tempted. It actually sounded really fun and I hadn’t been drinking, dancing or clubbing in a long time. Not since I was doing my Undergrad. Maybe Jasper would even go with me? Not that he’d be doing much drinking, although I wondered if he would even like it. Packed rooms with sweaty, alcohol stinking humans.

“It might help to get out,” Naomi added, sensing my indecisiveness.

I nodded. “Ok, sounds good.”

She grinned. “Yay!”

Someone nearby glared at her and shh’ed loudly.

Naomi blushed, trying not to laugh. “Pre-drinks are at mine. I’ll message you my address.”

“Cool,” I smiled. “Thanks.”

“I’m so excited!” She whispered.

We sat together in the seminar. Naomi introduced me to Katelyn, the other girl around our age and we chatted as we workshopped each other’s pieces. I noticed everyone was quite positive about mine, not having much criticism to say, and I wondered if the lecturer had said something to them.

During the break Katelyn convinced Naomi she had to dress up as Catwoman and that I also had to go as a super hero to make the trio. The only other one I could think of was Wonder Woman, and they enthusiastically insisted. The more I thought about it, the more excited I was about the whole thing. Maybe it would be better if Jasper didn’t come? It was sounding more like a girl’s night the more we planned.

I decided to send him a message to see if he would be willing to pick me up after.

 _Of course_ , he wrote back, along with a winking emoji and a red heart.

* * *

On Halloween, I spent the afternoon looking around the shops, searching for the right outfit. I’d told Katelyn and Naomi I’d go as Wonder Woman, but I couldn’t find anything that worked, and of course the actual fancy dress shop was so expensive.

In the end I decided to pick up a red tank top, although I had a lot of trouble trying to find a blue skirt.

As I was browsing through some denim skirts, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, expecting to get yelled at for being in the way or something. Instead Alice was there.

“Fashion emergency?” she guessed, wiggling her eyebrows.

“How did you know?” I cried. “Please help me, Alice!” I smiled in relief. Her outfits and make up was always on point.

Alice giggled, linking arms with me. “I know _exactly_ where we need to go.” She took the red tank top from my hands and draped it over one of the rails, pulling us out of the shop.

She showed me to a little place down a side street that I hadn’t thought to go down. Barely even taking the time to browse Alice dove straight in, grabbing some items and putting them into my hands and pointing me to the dressing room.

My eyes widened as I didn’t have time to really see what she had picked up, let alone the price. My budget wasn’t very big. I didn’t want to spend much on a one-night outfit.

In the dressing room I got a better look, putting my bag down and hanging the items up on the hooks. There was a blood red corset and some navy ruffled skorts. It wasn’t exactly like the super hero, but I could complete it with some golden jewellery. Perhaps I could get some tacky cheap stuff from somewhere.

I put on the outfit, looking at my body in the mirror. The corset was a bit tight, though I liked how good it looked.

“Well?” Alice called out from behind the curtain.

I pushed the fabric aside so she could see. Her face lit up. “Perfect!” she squealed. And then her eyes trailed down to my feet. I had taken my trainers off so I only had socks on. “Shoes.” She tapper her chin.

“Alice,” I shook my head. “I’m not buying shoes. I already-,” I cut off, the label of the corset between my fingers. That alone was double the budget of my whole outfit. “Shit.”

She slapped my hand. I dropped the label, staring at her. “Early Christmas present.”

“Alice, no-,” I started, but it was too late. She was already getting her card out, handing it to the sales assistant with a smirk.

We walked to another shop and I tried on about five different pairs of red heels until I found some that were comfortable enough to wear for more than half an hour. I paid for the shoes, and we took off to the last place – a cheap jewellery shop.

Amazingly they had a merchandise section with a red and gold painted Wonder Woman necklace, which I grabbed, along with some simple bracelets. Alice huffed as I told her there was no point in getting real gold.

“What’s the point in having a fortune if you can’t spend it?” she rolled her eyes.

“It’s one night!” I exclaimed, zipping up my purse. “If there isn’t sick on my shoes, I’m literally bringing them back tomorrow.”

“Sorry to tell you this, Leilani, but they’re going to be quite scratched on the soles.”

I shrugged. “Ah well. I guess I’ll find another use for them.”

Before I went home, I wanted to stop and get something to eat. Even though Alice naturally wouldn’t be eating, she stayed with me, asking if she could come round and do my make-up for tonight. I eagerly accepted, being hopeless at that and normally going without.

On the way back, I picked up several bottles of cider and one of rum. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be drinking with my medication, but it was just for one night. The only reason was because alcohol is a depressant, which would just counteract my antidepressants. I’d be just as unhappy if I sat at home, I reasoned.

Alice rushed home and bring over her make-up kit while I got ready, opening a bottle of cider as I did so. I put some music on, swaying to the music while I took a few swigs. Tonight was going to be different – good. I was being normal. Drinking, hanging out with friends, going out. There was nothing wrong with me tonight.

I was buzzing when Alice returned. It had been several months since I’d drunk anything and I’d already been a lightweight before. She kept scolding me to sit still as she applied blue eyeshadow, blue eyeliner, and red lipstick.

I looked at myself in the mirror, beaming. For once, I looked great. “Thank you, Alice.”

“You’re welcome,” she smiled back. “Too bad about your hair.”

“Yeah, there’s not really time,” I said, running my fingers through the off-purple strands. “I need to go and get the bus in twenty minutes.”

“Hell no!” Alice said. “I’m driving you. So, there’s at least time for me to cut it for you.”

I put my hands on my hair to protect it. “Alice, no!”

She put her hands on her hips. “What? I’m better than any human hairdresser.”

“But you don’t cut your family’s hair? Jasper said it doesn’t grow.”

Alice tilted her head to the side. “No, that’s true. But I know how to do it. Trust me. I can see that it will look amazing.”

I pressed my lips together, grimacing. “Ok, fine,” I gave in, causing her to do a little jump and clap her hands.

I sat back down on my chair as she placed a towel around my shoulders.

In just a few minutes she cried out, “Done!”

I was actually quite pleased with it. Alice had trimmed it so the back wasn’t so far down my neck anymore, and my hair was now much tidier.

“Now, you look perfect.” She said, proudly admiring her work.

I wouldn’t use the word perfect, but I was happy enough with how I looked that I could go outside. The corset had me self-conscious, so I pulled a black cardigan on over the top.

As promised, Alice dropped me off, confirming with me that Jasper would definitely pick me up later – I just had to text or call him when.

I took a breath and buzzed Naomi’s flat. “Hey, it’s Leilani,” I spoke into the intercom.

“Leiiiii,” Naomi giggled.

The door unlocked with a buzz and I opened it, wondering how much they’d already had.

I knocked on her door, fiddling with the straps of the plastic bag in my hands which had all my alcohol in.

The door flung open. “Leilani!” Naomi wrapped her arms around my neck. She was very warm. “I was worried you wouldn’t show.”

“Of course I came,” I told her. “You guys are some of my only friends here.” I laughed, nervous as what their reaction to that would be. It sounded pretty pathetic.

“Oh no,” Naomi pulled away, leading me inside. “That’s ok. You seem so cool, that’s why we wanted to come out with you.”

They thought I was cool? Confused, but happy from the compliment, I smiled, slipping off my heels in the hallway.

Katelyn waved to me, grinning, as I entered the kitchen. She was sitting at a round table covered in various bottles and some playing cards spread out. “Now you’re here we can do Ring of Fire!”

“Ok,” I said, taking a seat and getting out the drinks.

A few rounds later, I opened my third bottle of cider. I was starting to feel something, my fears at the back of my mind. “You guys know Fuck the Bus?”

“No?” Naomi giggled.

“What is that?” asked Katelyn, pouring some vodka into a glass.

“Oh, this game is how you get fucked.” I laughed, setting up the cards.

In the bathroom I discovered how drunk I really was. Listening to the music coming from the kitchen, I swayed on the porcelain throne, humming. My hands and feet were numb, and I felt really warm, but it was good. I was excited to go out, to drink more, and to dance with my new friends.

“Guys,” I said as I re-entered the kitchen, “I’ve been so depressed for like four months now. I’m so glad you two invited me.”

“Oh my god, of course, Leilani.” Naomi stood up, using a chair for support so she wouldn’t fall over on her way to hug me. “I think it’s so sad you’ve been going through that.”

“I even tried to- to-,” I swallowed, my eyes prickling with tears.

Naomi held me tighter.

“Been there,” Katelyn said from across the room, raising a glass towards me. “You’ll get through it.” She put her drink down and held up her wrists. I couldn’t see, but she must have had faint scars on her arms.

“How?” I asked.

“Things change.” Katelyn answered, taking another sip.

“I think there’s time for one more, before the uber gets here.” Naomi smiled, tipping some more rum into my glass. I wasn’t paying much attention as she filled it, adding a small amount of mixer.

I took a sip and hissed. “Jesus!”

She giggled, giving me a sneaky look.

“You have to have it. I can’t drink this.” I put it down in front of her.

“No!” she cried, pushing her chair out.

“I think that’s fair,” Katelyn grinned.

Pressured, Naomi took a sip, wincing. “Ugh,” she shuddered.

Laughing, we almost missed Naomi’s phone buzzing on the table as the driving was calling from outside.

The three of us grabbed our bags, shoes and jackets, rushing outside. It was so cold on my face and legs through my black tights. I felt slightly sick, taking deep breaths.

Time felt like it was moving so fast as we reached the city. Katelyn and Naomi were chatting and laughing, while I watched the lights going past out the window.

In what felt like only a few minutes we had arrived and were queuing outside a club. I could hear the loud, heavy music already and started swaying to it. We showed our IDs to security and they let us in.

Katelyn took a few steps ahead and stopped, turning with a huge smile on her face. “I love this song!” she yelled over the music.

The three of us started dancing. I felt myself getting lost in the bass, reaching my hands up to the ceiling and moving my body to the song. Something didn’t feel right.

“I’m going to get a drink,” I told the girls, heading towards the bar.

They put a straw into a bottle and handed it to me. I began sipping the drink, dancing through the crowd and back towards my friends. I stopped.

They were both dancing with a group of other people. Katelyn leaned over and spoke into a guys’ ear, clearly knowing him. What was I doing there? With two girls from Uni that I barely knew? I had hoped drinking would help me feel better, but I didn’t feel great at all. Suddenly I was thinking of Evie and how I should be there with her. But that could never happen. Evie was six hours away.

Why wasn’t I strong enough to work, to have stayed as her housemate? She must hate me. What kind of friend was I?

I sipped my drink, heading towards the bathroom. There was an empty wall which I leant against, listening to the music. I could feel the vibrations going through me, hitting against my aching heart. I touched where it hurt, rubbing a little to try and get rid of the pain, despite it never helping.

Suddenly I was crying in the dim light, not caring that no one would hear me anyway.

“Leilani,” Naomi touched my shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

I couldn’t speak, hugging her and sobbing onto her shoulder.

“Let’s go to the bathroom,” she said in my ear.

I let her lead me there, one arm around me. It was a little quieter in the bathroom, though the music was still clear.

“What’s going on? Did you drink too much?” she asked me, eyes full of worry.

I shook my head. “Everything just feels wrong. I’m such a bad friend.”

“No, you’re not.” She hugged me again. “We’re having a great time!”

Another sob came out and I clumsily wiped my face with my hands. “Oh, no, my make-up.” I looked in the mirror, seeing it had smudged a bit.

Naomi handed me a tissue from the pocket of her black jumpsuit.

I tried to fix the smeared eye shadow, licking my finger and touching my face, then dabbing at it with the tissue.

“Come back out,” Naomi said. “You look amazing and no one will care.”

Sighing, I put the tissue inside my bag. I’d probably need it again.

Naomi rubbed my back. “Come on, I’ll buy you another drink.”

I nodded. “Thanks.”

We danced to countless songs, gradually moving closer to the speakers where the beats became harder. Everything was swaying as I moved to the music. And then a song came on that I recognised. One that I remembered dancing to a year ago at Uni. It had felt so good, I’d felt so good.

I’d never feel like that again. I’d never be that happy again now that I was so messed up. Now that my brain was broken. _I_ was broken. And there was no point putting it off any longer. Things had gotten to be the best they’d ever been, and now it was over.

“I’m going,” I waved to Naomi and Katelyn, who looked confused but I didn’t stop.

I almost stumbled over, putting my arms out to keep my balance as I turned around. Someone bumped into me, a small splatter of a mysterious drink hitting my arm. Typical.

They took a minute to get my jacket, so I waited at the desk, leaning against it.

“Thanks for coming,” Katelyn touched my arm.

Naomi was standing next to her. “How are you getting home?”

“Getting picked up,” I held my phone up in case they couldn’t hear me. My throat felt scratchy.

The person at the desk handed my jacket to me and I pulled it on, leaving the club. Once I was outside, I knew I should be texting Jasper. Instead I was finding Evie’s number and calling her.

It was two in the morning so no wonder she didn’t pick up. Logically, I knew that, but still I burst into tears, sobbing in the street. I stepped back, leaning against the wall so things would stop spinning so much.

“Leilani!” Naomi had her arm around me as I sobbed. “Who’s picking you up.”

“Jasper,” I mumbled slower than normal, sliding down the wall. My phone was in my hand, the contacts still open.

“Oh!” she grabbed my shoulders so I wouldn’t fall, lowering me down. “Yeah, just sit tight.”

I tapped Jaspers name, opening up a new message which I wanted to be a polite question of could he pick me up please. What came out was a lot of typos. I groaned, holding my phone out to Naomi. “Can you fix it, please?”

She laughed, taking my phone and hopefully sending a better message. Suddenly she was giving the phone back to me.

“Thank you,” I took my phone in one hand, grabbing hers with the other. “I’m sorry about tonight. I’m so sorry.” Unstoppable tears started pouring down my cheeks.

“God, it’s fine!” she snapped.

I looked at her, my heart taking a stab. She had been so nice to me the whole night. No wonder she was annoyed at me now, having messed up everything. I couldn’t even have one normal night.

Sniffing, I turned away, starting to wish I hadn’t come at all.

“Leilani!” Jasper.

Fuck, he was going to hate me as well. I sobbed even more.

“What happened?” I heard him ask Naomi.

“Too much to drink,” she replied. I felt her hand on my shoulder. “Goodnight,” she said, before disappearing.

I tried to stand up, but it was so difficult with my eyes blurred from tears, and nothing staying still. My hands slid on the bricks, the rough and cold stinging my skin. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, unable to focus my eyes on anything.

“Don’t worry, darlin’. Everything’s alright.” I felt his hands on my elbows, steadying me as I stood. “Can you walk?”

I took a step and stumbled, falling onto him. Jasper held my waist so I wouldn’t fall over, waiting for me to steady my footing.

“I can carry you,” he offered.

“Yes,” I said, leaning against him.

With ease, Jasper lifted me up into his arms. I put my own around his neck, resting my head on his shoulder. Another tear spilled over and I sniffed.

“Leilani, it’s alright. You’ve had too much to drink and I’m taking you home now.”

“Everyone hates me,” I whimpered.

“No, they don’t.” Jasper tried to assure me.

I didn’t believe him. “Yes, Naomi is pissed because I’m so drunk. And you’re looking after me. And I don’t have a job. And I don’t work hard enough.” I cried.

“What are you talking about?” Jasper said. “You’re working really hard to catch up, and I love looking after you. It helps me pass the time.”

I scoffed. “There’s so much better things you could be doing.”

“Leilani, listen to me. There’s nothing else I’d rather be doing.”

I stopped crying, burying myself in Jasper’s shoulder. A minute later he put me down next to a black car. He opened the door so I could get inside. I slumped back in the seat, as he closed the door, pulling the seatbelt across.

My eyes were closed for most of the way back, only opening again when I started feeling sick. I really didn’t want to throw up, but knew it might happen since I’d had so much. I tried counting how many drinks I’d had in my head, unable to remember the precise number.

“Jasper,” I said when he stopped the car in my driveway.

“Yeah?” he looked at me.

I had lolled my head to the side to look over at him in the driver’s seat. “You know how I feel. All the time.”

Jasper nodded. “Yeah.”

“Sorry it hurts, so much.” My voice lowered to a whisper. “Sorry I haven’t taken it away with me.”

He put a hand on my knee. “Don’t ever think like this. If I had to choose between that pain, or to have you missing from my life, I’d take the pain every time.”

I put a hand on my mouth, crying. My other hand, I rested on top of his.

“It’s so hard, I know. But it’s temporary. I promise.”

I sniffed. “Ok,” I breathed.

“Ok,” Jasper nodded once. The next second he was opening my door for me.

With shaking hands and legs, I slowly stood up. Jasper helped me, putting his arm around me as we started towards the house.

My stomach did not agree with that, a wave of dizziness and nausea hitting me. I turned away towards an empty flowerbed, put one hand on the fence and vomited. Mostly it was on the soil, though I could see some of it down the fence, glistening in the streetlight. I shivered.

“Uh,” Jasper didn’t seem sure what to do. He had probably never been in that situation before.

I breathed heavily, catching my breath and spitting out the last of the sick. At least I felt a little better. “Fuck,” I whispered.

Jasper stepped towards me and started rubbing my back.

“Sorry again,” I said, letting go of the fence.

“Stop apologising.” Jasper started pulling me away. “Let’s get you inside.”

“Wait, I have to clean that up. My parents will see!”

“It’s fine, I’ll do it.”

“You will not!” I turned around, looking at him in horror.

“Leilani-,” Jasper started, no doubt about to convince me to just go inside and lie down.

I ignored him, looking around. “Watering can,” I said, striding towards the side of the house. I grabbed it, glad there was some water still inside, and hurried back towards the scene of the crime.

It didn’t do much for the soil, but at least I could get it off the fence. Then I bent down nearby, grabbing a fistful of cleaner soil and started sprinkling it over.

Jasper laughed quietly.

“What?” I asked, “Does it look bad?”

“It will pass, I think,” he touched my shoulders, trying to get me to stand up.

“Hopefully better than my depression,” I joked.

“Come on, darlin’,” Jasper pulled me to his side. “Let’s get you to bed.”


	16. Fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter may be the longest! It was really exciting to write. Please excuse any typos - I will go through the whole fic and edit any mistakes once I'm done with NaNoWriMo.

**Jasper**

I followed behind Leilani up the stairs, ready in case she tripped and fell. She seemed to have sobered up slightly, but was still quite unsteady on her feet. Her hands gripped the hand rail, sliding them upwards along the wood.

While she was brushing her teeth and getting changed, I fetched her a glass of water. I opened a drawer in the kitchen to find a pot and thought I should bring that too, just in case Leilani was sick again.

When I got to her room, she was lying across the bed, half asleep with her arms stretched out. Her legs were dangling off the edge.

“Jasper…” she moaned, rolling over and almost falling off the bed.

I put the pot on the floor and the glass on the bedside table. “Why don’t you get under the covers?”

“I am.” She opened her eyes, shuffling herself into the middle of the mattress on her stomach. Then she gave up, closing her eyes again.

I lifted the edge of the duvet, pushing it towards her so she could find it and just roll over into bed. She grabbed it with a smile, getting underneath and kicking it underneath so she was covered. I pulled it flat.

“Mmm,” Leilani hummed, facing me. “Thank you.”

I knelt down on the floor beside her, brushing some of her hair out of her eyes. “Don’t go to sleep yet, darlin’. You need to drink some water.”

She sighed, “Ok.” Leilani sat up a little and I handed her the glass of water. When she had drained half of it, she handed it back to me and slumped back down onto the pillows. “Are you staying here?” she asked.

I smoothed out the covers over her. “Yeah, unless you want me to go.”

“Never,” she mumbled.

I reached out to touch her soft hair, feeling her relax.

“Lie next to me,” Leilani commanded.

 _Yes, ma’am_ , I wanted to say, but refrained as I knew she didn’t like it when I called her that.

As soon as I laid down beside her, she rolled over, eyes still closed, and snuggled up to my side. She put her arm across my chest, humming once more in content.

I smiled, running my fingers through her hair as she drifted off to sleep.

Leilani slept until midday, barely moving in her sleep – she was so tired. Her phone buzzed in her bag a few times and then stopped. Slowly she awoke with a groan, pulling the duvet over her head. She felt like a train wreck.

“Afternoon,” I teased. “How are you?”

She groaned again, pulling the duvet tighter.

“You can’t stay under there forever.”

“Watch me,” Leilani mumbled, before letting out a muffled sigh. Still, she rolled onto her back and pushed the covers over and stared at the ceiling with tired eyes.

“What are you thinking about, Leilani?” I asked, watching her.

“Last night,” she answered. “I really fucked up.”

I wanted to tell her everything was fine, but I knew she would only argue with that, so instead I said, “What do you think you fucked up?”

“The girls I went with, I’m sure they hate me. And I know I drunk too much but I -,” she paused. “I wanted to feel _something_. Happy and confident. I just felt like shit. Still do.”

I took one of her hands that lay on top of the duvet. “Isn’t it normal for students to drink too much?”

I could feel the doubt and knew she wanted to argue with me, but couldn’t seem to find a flaw in my reasoning. “I suppose,” Leilani said.

“And maybe you’ll feel better after some breakfast?”

“Ok,” she surrendered, the hint of a smile on her lips. The self-hatred eased a little.

Leilani sat up, stretched, and finished the half glass of water. When she put the glass back down, she frowned at the bedside table. “Where’s my phone?” She put a hand on the wood where it usually sat.

“In your bag.” I told her, sitting up to lean against the headboard.

She picked it up off the floor, rummaging through, a couple of receipts falling out. “Oh shit,” Leilani hissed, staring at the screen.

“What’s wrong?” She was nervous, but not to a huge extent.

“My friend Evie, I must have called her last night. She tried calling me back this morning.” Her fingers were tapping on the screen as she sent a message to her friend. When she was done, she tossed her phone onto the sofa and grabbed a towel.

While Leilani was in the shower, I decided to go downstairs and surprise her with some breakfast. I couldn’t remember ever making it before, but it wasn’t hard to find a video and some instructions online on how to make a classic English fry up.

Leilani came downstairs in a hoodie and leggings. She felt a lot more relaxed, though still not great, until she walked in and saw the meal I’d prepared. I put the large plate down on the island which had eggs, toast, sausages and tomatoes. Next to it sat a steaming mug of tea. Her whole face lit up, and she stepped across the floor to wrap her arms around my waist.

I hugged her back, breathing in the fresh scent of coconut from her shampoo. “This is amazing, Jasper. You’re amazing,” she said, affection pouring off her.

“You haven’t tried it yet,” I joked, and then added more seriously, “You’re welcome.”

She sat down and started eating, humming in pleasure at the first bite. I sat down opposite her.

“How am I supposed to surprise you?” she asked, the worthlessness creeping in again, though there was humour in her voice. “A pitcher of animal blood?”

I laughed. “You don’t have to do anything for me, darlin’. Definitely not that.”

She grimaced. “Yeah I wasn’t being serious. I don’t even know where I’d start with that.”

My eyes drifted towards the direction of the driveway as I heard a car pulling up. “I think your parents are home.” I said.

A few minutes later the front door opened and we could both hear the sounds of their voices.

“-can’t believe someone was sick all over the flowerbed!”

Leilani’s eyes widened at her mother’s words. She looked at me, panic flooding through her.

With tremendous effort I managed not to laugh, grinning at her.

“Oh, hello.” Her mother walked into the kitchen, closely followed by her father.

“Hi,” Leilani took another bite of her food, shuffling on her stool.

“Hey,” I nodded to them, straightening my posture.

Her parents stood in the kitchen awkwardly for a second before Leilani’s fork clattered against her plate. “Oh, sorry!” she looked at her parents. “This is Jasper. Jasper, these are my parents.”

I stood up, the stool scraping on the floor and held out my hand. “It’s a pleasure to properly meet you.”

Her mother nodded, shaking my hand. “Helen.” She was pleased, hopefully from my formal introduction.

“You can call me William,” said her father, shaking my hand as well. He frowned slightly, uncomfortable. From my cold hand? There was some worry there too, most likely for Leilani.

I sat back down at the island again, seeing Leilani watching the exchange, worry coming from her, too. A whole family of stressed worriers.

Helen eyed each of us in turn. “So, are you two…?” she trailed off, leaving the question in the open.

“Mum!” Leilani started.

“Yes,” I answered with a nod.

William laughed. “Not afraid to tell it like it is.” He began making himself a coffee.

Leilani put a hand on her cheek, leaning her elbow on the counter. Her awkwardness was like a waterfall, gushing out into the room.

Helen touched her shoulder, smiling at her daughter. Leilani looked up, slowly beginning to relax and smile herself in the silent exchange.

They made their coffee, asked a few questions and left to go and watch some TV in the living room.

Leilani was still finishing her breakfast. She looked over at me, apologetically. “Sorry.”

“What for?” Was she sorry that I met her parents?

“Them, grilling you.” She rolled her eyes, putting her cutlery down and sliding the plate to the side.

“I don’t mind,” I reached my hands forward across the island and she did the same, intertwining her fingers with mine. “I’m glad I got to meet them.”

Leilani smiled. “Really?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “And what we were talking about before – maybe soon you could come and meet my family? It’s really important to me.”

She nodded. “Yes, alright.” As she agreed nervousness swept over her.

I gave her hands a squeeze. “How would you feel about next weekend? They’ve actually planned some fireworks for Guy Fawkes night.”

Leilani laughed. “You guys celebrate that?”

“Only since we’ve been in England.” I exclaimed.

“That sounds kind of fun actually.” she said, looking down at our hands.

* * *

**Leilani**

The week both dragged and swept by like it usually did. I made it through each day, thinking of tomorrow, and then tomorrow came. At least a few times I got to hang out with Jasper, either playing some video games in the evening or watching a movie.

He liked to remind me how much he liked me, and complemented me occasionally. It helped me feel bolder, initiating kisses and cuddles. I was a lot more familiar with him now, engaging in physical contact by touching his chest and shoulders, and once pressing my lips to his neck in a delicate kiss.

Jasper had let out a soft moan, leaning his head back against the sofa. I hadn’t done anything more, stopping as I realised the sexy sound he’d made should have had me taking my clothes off. But my body still wasn’t responding how it should, not catching up to my brain and heart that wanted him.

Nevertheless, he’d smiled and kissed me, holding me as we watched the end of the movie.

The day eventually came for Guy Fawkes night, but before that I had my first appointment for therapy in the morning. In the afternoon Jasper was going to come and pick me up for the evening event.

I dressed in a jumper and jeans, the same outfit I had planned to wear for the evening, and pulled on my coat as I left the house for the bus stop. Of course, Jasper had offered to drive me, but I refused. I wanted to go alone and have the time to process my thoughts.

I arrived early, following the signs outside a tall building in the City up a lift and to a small reception area.

“Hi, my name’s Leilani Westbrooke. I have an appointment at eleven,” I told the receptionist.

She smiled kindly, handing me a clipboard with a form attached. “Good morning, did you fill out one of these already?”

I glanced down at the form, recognising the questions. “Yeah, online.”

The woman nodded, putting the clipboard back down. “Great, why don’t you take a seat and Camile will be out in a minute.”

“Thank you.” I looked around the waiting room, taking my coat off.

There were a lot of posters up for suicide prevention, support groups and financial help. I sat down next to the table of magazines. It was kind of funny seeing the pile of photoshopped models and text proclaiming ten steps to get the perfect body. Surely those magazines were terrible for mental health, yet there they were. I rolled my eyes.

As the minutes went by, I bounced my leg in my seat. I kept glancing at the clock, seeing the hands go a minute past eleven. Any minute now.

“Leilani Westbrooke?” A brown-haired woman stood in a doorway.

“Yes,” I stood up, holding my coat.

“I’m Camille. Come on in.” She smiled, holding the door open for me.

The room had two chairs and a coffee table between them, a box of tissues on top. I sat in the chair closest to the door which appeared to be meant for patients.

Camille reminded me a little of Carlisle. She explained everything to me, asking me questions about my situation and the thoughts I had. When I started crying, she pushed the box of tissues towards me, using questions and logic to get me through it.

At the end of the hour, I walked back into the lift with a sense of hope and slightly refreshed. It was so different how Camille looked at what was wrong with me, and she’d given me a task to do at home.

Somehow motivated, I got to it right away when I was home. I sat down at my desk with a notebook, writing out all the activities I enjoyed doing, needed to do, and wanted to do. I organised them into how difficult they were and then started to create a schedule for the week.

Spending time with Jasper was one of the easiest, with Uni work being on the most difficult on the scale. I also wrote down that I’d like to spend more time with Emmett and Alice, since I hadn’t seen them very much for a while. Mostly I’d been spending time alone, and occasionally with Jasper.

Camille had told me hanging out with others and being more social would help me, so I decided I would give it a go. Which was perfect because of what was happening that night.

_How did it go?_

A message popped up on my phone from Jasper.

 _Good!_ I answered. _I think this CBT will help me._

He sent me back a smiling emoji.

_That’s great._

I smiled, taking my phone with me to make some lunch.

Later, I was searching for my gloves when the doorbell rang. Quickly I retrieved them from my wardrobe and grabbed my white woollen hat on the way down the stairs.

My mum was already at the door, opening it. “Hi, Jasper.” She greeted him, looking around in the driveway behind him. Probably checking to see if he’d brought his motorcycle.

I grinned at Jasper and he gave me his handsome side smile. He looked so handsome in his long black coat.

“Hey,” I said, sitting down on the stairs to pull my boots on.

“Hey,” he stood in the doorway, waiting for me.

My mum looked down at my beige boots. “Isn’t it going to be really muddy?” she said.

“It’ll wash off,” I replied, doing up the laces.

“You guys have a good time,” she said.

Jasper thanked her while I stood up, putting on my coat and making sure my hair sat right under my hat in the mirror.

“Bye, mum.” I followed Jasper out of the door, taking his hand. Now that he was there, I was quite excited for the show.

“You’re looking forward to tonight?” he asked me as we walked down the driveway to Alice’s car, although he knew the answer.

“Yeah,” I looked up at him.

Jasper let go of my hand and bent down slightly to give me a hug, resting his head over my shoulder. I closed my eyes, breathing in the glorious scent of him.

“You’ve been doing so well, Leilani.” He murmured in my ear. “I’m so proud of you.”

I melted into the embrace even more. God, I loved him. I was so in love with him. I had to tell him, so I did. “I love you, Jasper.”

He pulled away enough so we could look at each other. My hands reached up to the back of his neck to touch his hair and we stared into each other’s eyes.

“I love you too,” he replied. Jasper then pressed his lips to mine and we kissed passionately.

A few seconds later he lifted me up, laughing when I let out a small yelp. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he held me tightly. I could’ve stayed there forever.

The car beeped at us from down the drive, making me jump. Jasper chuckled, lowering me back down to the ground.

Emmett, who was sitting in passenger side, had rolled down the window. “Let’s go, lovebirds!”

I blushed, which wasn’t completely unwelcome in the cold darkness. Jasper’s hand was in mine once again as we walked down to the car.

The two of us sat in the back. Alice was in the driver’s seat.

“How have you been, Lani? We haven’t seen you in ages.” Emmett said once I’d buckled my seatbelt.

“I’m ok,” I told him, truthfully. Now I actually felt ok for once. “Are a few weeks really ages to an immortal?”

He laughed loudly. “It’s great now you know. Finally, we can hang out normally.”

I wasn’t sure about what he meant by normal. They wouldn’t have to pretend they were human, but that didn’t really mean normal. “Where are we going?”

“A field not too far from here,” Alice answered. “Dad’s got an agreement with the owners.”

Emmett rubbed his hands together. “This is gunna be awesome.”

I glanced at Jasper – we couldn’t stop smiling at each other, and we were holding hands in the car, too. He seemed so happy, more than usual, and I wondered how much my emotions affected him.

Alice drove for only about ten minutes, taking us up a hill by a large open field. A black car that I recognised was parked in a small drive by a bungalow. She pulled up next to it.

Before I could open the door, Jasper had already done it, standing on my side.

“Thank you,” I took his hand, standing up.

Quickly it was apparent how cold it was outside the heated car. I felt a chill go through me, buttoning my coat up and putting on my gloves.

Up the drive, I could see Carlisle with Esme and a man who must live there. Carlisle shook his hand and they said goodbye, the man disappearing into the house.

The two of them made their way towards us.

“Good evening,” Esme said, a warm smile on her lips and her arms opening for a hug.

I accepted it, hugging her.

“We’re so happy you’re here, Leilani.”

“Thank you for inviting me.”

One of the doors of Carlisle’s car opened and a beautiful woman with long blonde hair stepped out. She had a very serious face and it could only be Rosalie. I couldn’t tell if she was angry or indifferent, but the fact she wasn’t smiling made me nervous.

Jasper put a hand on my back.

“Hey, Rosalie,” I said quietly, though I knew she’d be able to hear me.

She looked at me blankly. “Hi.”

“Hey, babe,” Emmett grinned, appearing at her side and putting his arm around her.

Rosalie’s face softened and the two of them started walking off towards the gate.

“Edwards already setting up,” Carlisle said. He looked towards me. “I hope you’re doing well, Leilani.”

I nodded. “I’m alright, thank you.”

Alice giggled, “Come on, I’ve got some glowsticks!” She linked arms with me and we headed into the field.

There was an old picnic table with a lantern in the middle, surrounded by some glow sticks of various sizes. Alice cracked a few of the thin ones, bending them into glowing bracelets. Knowingly, she handed me the blue and purple ones. With the others she started handing them out to the rest of the family. Esme accepted a red bracelet, laughing as Alice put it on for her.

Jasper was helping Emmett with the bonfire, warily ensuring to keep a distance from the flames that licked the wood. Thick smoke rose into the sky, and I could smell it even before I approached the warmth. I held my hands out, taking my gloves off so I could warm up my fingers.

“Hello, Leilani.” I heard a polite voice beside me. A guy with dark red hair stood there, who must have been Edward.

“Hi,” I said, giving him a smile. “You’re Edward, right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too,” I replied.

Jasper seemed to have noticed we were talking and abandoned the fire, coming to join us.

“Jasper said you’re studying writing. Do you like to read the classics? Shakespeare? Or Brontë?” Edward asked.

“Um,” I actually didn’t like classics at all, believing them to be overhyped by the media and preferring modern books. However, I then suddenly remembered Edward was the one in the family who could read minds and I panicked, realising I had thought all of that for him to hear. “Oh shit.”

Edward’s shoulder shook with laugher.

Embarrassed, I put a hand to my mouth.

Jasper turned to each of us with a face full of confusion.

“Sorry,” Edward straightened himself up, recovering from the laughing fit. “You’ll get used to it.”

How? How could someone get used to a mind reader?

Edward shook his head, walking back towards the pile of fireworks.

“What was that all about, darlin’?” Jasper rubbed my back, standing close to me.

“Nothing, I just – ugh,” I groaned, leaning against him. “It’s weird having your mind read.”

“I know,” Jasper chuckled. “It’s alright. He’s a very private person, if you have any secrets.”

“Are we starting this thing or what?” Emmett raised his voice, impatient, marching over to the fireworks.

The show was incredible. It was like going to a public firework event, except this one was just for Jasper’s family and I. We stood near the fire, Jasper’s arms around me, as we watched the night sky come alive with sparks of colour. It was so beautiful.

In the short break, Alice skipped around, handing out sparklers. I saw Emmett and Rosalie having a little sword battle with half a dozen of them. I moved mine in the shape of a heart before glancing at Jasper.

During the second half of the fireworks, I stayed close to the fire, feeling the cold seeping into my boots and making my feet cold. It was making it more difficult to enjoy, however it was still very impressive.

After the last one burst in the sky and the lights faded, Jasper turned me around and kissed me, touching my cold cheek with his hand.

“Your nose is so cold,” he said nuzzling it with his own.

“I know,” I touched it with my gloved hand, trying to warm it up a little.

“Leilani,” Esme said beside me. “You’re more than welcome to come back to ours and have something to eat.”

“Thank you so much,” I replied.

At the Cullen house I hung up my coat and took off my gloves, hat, and boots. In the hallway there was a large radiator so I stood by it for a few minutes. I swapped standing on one leg so I could lift my foot against the warm metal, trying to warm up my feet.

Jasper, who had disappeared somewhere, walked down the stairs towards me. “Do you want to see my room?”

“Sure!” I smiled, following him up the stairs.

His room was on the second floor, third from the ground, which, like mine, overlooked the front of the house. It was fairly simple and modern, with a large bookshelf, double bed, and long desk where an expensive looking computer was set up. On the walls were some large framed pictures of landscapes, one of horses running wildly across dry grass.

“Sit down,” Jasper motioned to the bed.

I did what he said, suspicious that he had something on his mind.

He sat down at the end of the bed and patted the covers. “Put your legs up.”

I eyed him, but did it anyway, bringing my legs onto the bed in front of me.

Jasper put his hands on my foot and I pulled it back suddenly, eyebrows raised. “Why are your hands so _warm_?”

He grinned. “I washed them in boiling water. Now, come here.”

Slowly I slid my legs back towards him, letting him take my feet in his soft, warm hands. He rubbed them as they began to warm up, and it felt so good. I felt myself relax as he worked his magic fingers, my eyes closing in pleasure.

He stopped. I opened my eyes, frowning.

Jasper smiled. “My hands are getting cold.”

“That’s ok. Thank you.” I said.

I slid my legs around and under me so I could lean forwards and kiss him.

He kissed me back, taking the time to slowly move his lips against mine. As he pulled away, he looked into my eyes. “I love you, Leilani.”

“I love you too.” I replied, sitting back down.

“I want to show you something,” Jasper stood up and picked up a wooden box from the shelf. He placed it down on the bed between us and opened the lid. Inside was an assortment of photographs, letters, and other keepsakes.

He started going through them, showing me photographs of him from when he was a human. There were a few letters from his family who’d written to him during the war. He also had a very old watch that no longer worked, and a compass.

“This is all I have left,” he explained. “I traced my family tree but they died out since I was an only child and my cousin’s daughter had no kids.”

“Have you ever gone back?” I asked, gazing at the items in the box and on the bed.

“It’s kind of difficult because of the sun.” Jasper began putting everything back in the box. “Maybe one day.”

Not long later, we descended back down the stairs and into the living room where the rest of the family were sitting around. The glass in front of the fireplace shone as the coals behind glowed.

As soon as I sat down in an armchair, Esme had brought in a tray with soup, bread, and some crisps. She placed it on the coffee table in front of me.

“Wow, thank you, Esme.” I smiled at her.

“You’re welcome, dear.” She took a seat on the sofa next to me, beside Carlisle.

Jasper sat down on the pouf on the other side of the armchair. Rosalie was on Emmett’s lap in the other armchair. And Alice and Edward were on the sofa.

Thankfully they were all talking as I ate. I listened to them discussing.

“It is nice to have an excuse to celebrate something,” Esme said. “It is fun to live in England to celebrate this holiday.”

“Did Jasper tell you I was born here?” Carlisle asked me. “Around 1650.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “So you must have known Guy Fawkes personally?”

He laughed. “I’m too young, I’m afraid. He was born in 1570.”

After I’d eaten Alice engaged Rosalie into a battle of _Just Dance_ , both of them getting a ridiculously high score. Somehow, I found myself agreeing to doing _Girlfriend_ with Alice, my heart thumping madly as I felt the eyes of the family on me. I tried to push past it, seeing Jasper out the corner of my eye. His eyes were definitely not on my face.

The scores came up and I was a couple of thousand behind Alice.

“Good game,” she nudged me.

“Your score will be even better when you’re one of us,” Emmett laughed as I handed him the controller.

My smile faded. Of course. I was an idiot.

I didn’t dare look at any of them, leaving to go to the bathroom. My heart pounded as I sat on the edge of the bath, just like I had on my first visit. I hadn’t really thought about it, the future of being with Jasper. Of course, they would want me to be one of them. We couldn’t be together without being equals – without me being immortal.

I took a deep breath, aware of all the soup in my stomach along with a sickening feeling. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with Jasper. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him, or that I didn’t like his family or anything like that.

My breathing was becoming faster, and I could feel myself working up to a panic attack. I couldn’t sit there any longer.

I unlocked the door and opened it, seeing Jasper standing a few feet away in the hall. He stared at me, brow furrowed. “Leilani? What’s wrong?”

“Can we talk?” I said quickly, between breaths.

“Yeah.” He took my hand, leaning me upstairs to his room. It seemed to take forever, and I tried to slow my breathing down with little success.

We walked over to his bed and he guided me to sit down. Jasper sat down next to me, his hand on my back.

“Do you want some help?” he asked softly, rubbing my back.

I moved my hands up and down my thighs, trying to breath. I nodded, at once my muscles relaxing and my body melting towards his side. My breathing began to slow and my lungs started to feel like they were properly getting some oxygen again.

“Thanks,” I breathed.

Jasper placed his other hand on my knee and I put mine on top. “See,” he said. “You’re alright now. Everything’s ok.”

It wasn’t.

“Jasper,” I swallowed. “How do vampires die?”


	17. Surprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter at last - the one that ends in some smut! It's my first time writing a sexy scene like that, so hope you enjoy and please don't be too harsh :)

**Jasper**

“How do vampires die?”

As I sat with my arm around Leilani, holding her hand, it was hard to listen to her ask that question and knowing the reason. I knew since we became friends months ago that I wanted to protect her. She was so important and I loved her so much. I never wanted anything bad to happen to her, and yet there was something that I would always struggle to protect her from: herself.

I didn’t want to lie to her or withhold the truth, so I forced myself to explain. “With great difficulty.”

Dread filled her.

“The only way to kill a vampire is to rip them apart and burn the pieces.”

She sat there in silence. I didn’t know what to say, my mind racing for the right words.

Eventually, I asked, “What are you thinking?”

Leilani was quiet for a minute, and then she mumbled, “Horrible things.”

I knelt down on the floor in front of her, where her eyes were directed, putting my hands on her knees. “Darlin’, there’s nothing you can say to me that will change anything.”

She kept her eyes down, even further now, a tear trailing down her face.

I lifted my hand and wiped it away with my thumb, touching her cheek. Leilani tilted her head onto my hand.

“I promise,” I told her.

She sniffed and took a shaky breath, guilt flowing through her. “I don’t know if I could be one of you.”

“Leilani,” I said, persuading her to look at me. “No one is asking you to.”

“But it’s what you want isn’t it? How can we be together if I’m a human?”

“We’ve managed so far, haven’t we?”

Leilani exhaled. “I’m going to age. And we both know you can never fully relax around me.”

“That doesn’t matter,” I exclaimed. “I just want you to be happy.”

“That’s what I want for you,” she pressed. “Just like how we haven’t, you know, _been_ together.”

I stared at her. “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“You say it doesn’t matter, but it does.” She looked away.

I put my hand back down on her knee, trying to understand. When I didn’t say anything, I felt her frustration.

“I- it’s not,” she tried, then pressed her lips together, digging her nails into her legs.

I watched her, sliding my hands up to take her hands and give them a squeeze as she battled in a war with her emotions. Frustration turned to anger and then guilt and hopelessness.

At last, she spoke. “If I was a vampire, it would be that much harder if I wanted to… go.” They were the words I had been dreading for her to say, out in the open. Another tear slipped out and she wiped it away.

“We don’t have to talk about this right now,” I said.

“We have to talk about it sometime.” She sniffed.

I thought for a moment. “Ok, let’s make a plan. You don’t need to think about this at all, for a year. And next bonfire night, depending on how things go, we can discuss it then.” I paused. “A year’s a long time. Things can change.”

Slowly, Leilani seemed to accept that and nodded. “A long time to me, you mean.”

I started to smile. “I love you. I’m never gunna get sick of saying that.”

She leaned forward to wrap her arms around me neck. “Me neither. Love you, too.”

Downstairs my family were gracious enough to pretend they hadn’t heard a word from Leilani and I upstairs. However, I did notice Rosalie glance my way. There was something strange and different about how she felt, and when she watched Leilani sit back down, I realised the feeling Rose had within her was respect.

Edward had sat down at the piano and was playing an upbeat song while Carlisle and Esme danced together, along with Emmett and Alice. I wanted to join them and bring Leilani, but she didn’t seem like she wanted to, awkwardness and worry swirling around her.

As Edward’s playing transitioned into another song, Esme wandered over to us, smiling at Leilani. “Would you like something to drink, Leilani? Tea?”

“Oh, yes please,” she replied, standing up.

“Is everything alright?” Esme gently touched her shoulder.

She nodded and said quietly, “I’m just a little overwhelmed.”

Esme nodded. “I understand. Let’s go into the kitchen.”

The two of them left as Emmett turned on the sound system and began arguing with Alice over what music to put on as Edward laughed at them. Rosalie rolled her eyes, flicking through a magazine.

I slid down from the edge of the armchair onto the seat, leaning back against the cushions.

Carlisle sat down on the couch, looking at me.

“Did you hear what she said?” I asked him.

He nodded.

I knew it wasn’t her fault, and that she couldn’t help feeling like she did. But those words were going to haunt me for a long time. The idea of her dying was bad enough, let alone her wanting it herself.

“Let her do what she wants,” Rosalie said, absent-mindedly, flicking over a page.

“She doesn’t want to die, Rose. She’s sick.” I frowned at her, feeling my temper being tested.

“This isn’t the time to discuss this now,” Carlisle said, as though he could sense the rising tension.

I didn’t say anything more. It was so difficult I was trying to do everything to make her happy, and I thought that it was helping. Obviously, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. Alice had said that Leilani and I would be together, and she saw her as one of us. Too bad she either hadn’t seen, or neglected to mention, the enormous struggle that came with it.

But so long as Alice’s vision stayed intact, it meant Leilani would get through it, and in a way – survive.

Comforted by that thought, I stood up and joined Alice for a dance.

Sometime later I saw Leilani and Esme come back in from the kitchen. I hadn’t listened to what they were saying, so I didn’t know what they’d spoken about. However, Esme must have said something that brought her some comfort, as Leilani’s feelings had lifted.

Before she could sit down, Emmett danced over to her with a huge smile on his face. Leilani laughed, slightly embarrassed. Without much warning, he lifted her up and span her around, putting her down closer to where we had been dancing.

Taking a breath, she touched her hair, grinning, slowly bringing her eyes to mine.

I smiled, taking a step towards her and taking her hands, encouraging her to start dancing with me to the upbeat music. There was so much happiness in the room as my whole family enjoyed the dancing. I loved the feeling of Leilani’s warm and soft hands in mine, bathing in the joy all around me.

Even later, when she was too tired to dance anymore, and was curled up next to me on the couch with my arm around her, I asked, “Do you want to stay over?”

Leilani laughed, “So all your family can hear me snoring?”

“They won’t mind. It’s not the first time,” I replied, glossing over the fact that she does snore.

She seemed to notice, giving me a look. “Thanks,” she muttered, sarcastically.

“Come on, darlin’,” I moved my lips close to her ear. “I want to see you in my bed,” I purred.

A thrill ran through her, making her smile, the lust building. Leilani nodded.

In my room, I took a seat on the bed, watching as she slowly took off her glowing bracelets and her jumper, and slipped out of her jeans. She turned around and I saw her unclasp her bra. Slowly she slid her arms out of the straps under her black camisole. As she sat down on the mattress and turned to look at me over her shoulder, I could see the shape of her breasts under her top, and really wanted to touch them. I couldn’t. Not yet. I didn’t want to trigger her if she wasn’t ready yet, and it had been a long day for her.

Still, I could feel her desire in the short distance between us. I could see it in her green eyes.

“You’re beautiful,” I said, watching her lick her lips.

“So are you,” Leilani crawled towards me on the bed, slid her hand around the back of my neck and kissed me. She moved her leg over mine that were stretched out, sitting in my lap.

I kissed her back, hungrily, moving my mouth against hers and letting my hands explore her body – her hair, her face, her shoulders and back. I paused at her ribs, waiting for her reaction.

She pulled back, breathing deeply, her hands on my chest. I kept mine where they were.

Sighing, Leilani collapsed forwards, burying her face in my shirt. “We can’t do this now, with your family here.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have told you about the vampire hearing,” I joked.

She laughed against me, but a guilty feeling washed over her.

“We’ve got all the time in the world,” I said, stroking her hair.

* * *

_I have a surprise for you, but you must follow these specific instructions._

I had been finishing up the work for the semester at my desk, when a message from Leilani had popped up on my phone. It was very mysterious and unlike anything she had sent me before.

Wondering what the surprise would be, I read on.

_I’m coming over at two on Friday afternoon and you’ll drive us to an undisclosed location – I’ll give you directions. Wear something casual._

I was intrigued. What was she planning? Smiling at my phone, I sent a message back with a winking emoji.

_Looking forward to it._

Leilani arrived ten minutes early on Friday. I tried to work out what was going on by her outfit, but she was wearing something casual as well – jeans, a hoodie, and converse. She was practically bursting with excitement and some worry.

“Oh no,” she looked down at my shoes. Although she’d said casual, I’d decided on some smarter shoes. “You’ll have to change those.”

“What for? Where are we going?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Stop trying to work it out, and just do as I say please.” She ordered with a smile.

“Yes, ma’am,” I answered, despite knowing she wouldn’t like it.

Leilani stared at me. “You’re toeing a fine line, Jasper.”

“I know,” I teased her some more by changing my shoes at human speed.

She folded her arms, watching me with impatience.

Once I was ready, we got into Alice’s car and Leilani gave me directions from her phone. She had even written them down in her notes application so that I couldn’t see the final destination at a glance.

“You’re very prepared,” I commented.

“I wanted it to be a surprise,” Leilani told me, concentrating on the signs.

It was a few miles away, and we seemed to be getting to the end of the journey as she instructed me to go down a long driveway between some fields. The smell hit me and I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye, almost certain I knew what we would be doing.

“Just wait,” she said. “Park over there.”

“Ok,” I smiled, pulling up near one of the buildings.

When we got out of the car, a middle-aged woman was walking towards us. Leilani took out some cash from her pocket and handed her a few twenties. The woman led us around one of the buildings to where two horses stood tacked up and ready. A couple of helmets were hanging on the fence.

The woman gave us some directions of the paths to follow and smiled at us. “You two have fun. See you in an hour.”

As she walked away, I turned to Leilani, taking her hand. “I can’t believe you set this up.”

She blushed. “Well, Alice helped me find somewhere. Just, please don’t eat them.” Leilani giggled.

I kissed her. “I won’t, I swear.”

She took a breath, eyeing the horses, warily, strapping on one of the helmets. “I guess we’d better go then.”

Leilani was nervous. I tilted my head slightly at her. “Have you ever ridden a horse before?”

She hesitated. “At a fete when I was like seven?”

“Alright,” I nodded. This was going to be fun.

* * *

**Leilani**

“You should take the smaller one,” Jasper said, taking the reins of the grey horse.

They were both certainly beautiful animals, but that didn’t make me less afraid of falling off or them galloping away while I was in the saddle.

Slowly I stepped forwards towards the huge steed, looking at how high I’d be off the ground.

“Small.” I furrowed my brow, glancing at Jasper.

“I think this one is only about nineteen hands.”

“Like my hands or Emmett’s hands?”

He laughed. “Come on, Leilani. Put your right foot on here,” he touched the stirrup, which was high enough off the ground it was up to my waist.

I held firmly onto the saddle, reached my right foot up and pushed upwards from the ground with my left. I almost didn’t make it, but I felt a pair of hands on my ass, boosting me up. Once I’d swung my leg over and was sitting in the saddle, I pressed my lips together, feeling my face going warm.

Jasper was a few feet lower than me, smiling. He handed me the reins, showing me how to hold them properly by guiding his hands over mine. “You good?” he asked.

My blush still hadn’t gone away as I could still feel the ghost of his hands on my cheeks. I nodded, holding tightly onto the reins.

Jasper buckled up his own helmet, though it was only for show, and approached the other horse. It tried to pull away from the fence, stamping its hooves. He held onto the reins, close to the bridle, staring at it. The horse began to calm down, and he stroked and patted its neck. Then he mounted it like he had done so a thousand times.

“Does your power affect animals?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he replied. “They can sense I’m a predator.” Jasper gently kicked his horse and it started to walk forwards.

“Um, Jasper? What am I supposed to-,” I started, but then my horse started to follow Jasper’s on its own. “Oh! Ok.”

He laughed, looking over his shoulder at me. “Relax, darlin’.”

I giggled, and while I trusted Jasper, there was no way to really relax whilst on a horse. I kept a firm hold onto the reins and the front of the saddle. As we reached a turning in the footpath, the trees around us were starting to get in the way where they hung across. The horses were closer to the ground and didn’t seem to care as I ducked my head, and used my arm as a shield against the foliage.

After a while the path widened out and we followed a stream that ran beside us.

“So, what gave you the idea for this?” Jasper asked.

“A few weeks ago, when you were saying you missed Texas. I thought I’d try and bring Texas to you.” I glanced at him, though keeping my attention focused on the horse. “I hope it’s alright.”

“It’s more than alright,” said Jasper. “It’s perfect.” He paused. “Do you want to go faster?”

“No!” I cried, making him laugh.

“Just a little? If you’re afraid of falling, I’ll catch you.” He smirked.

“Maybe,” I said, “But not too fast!”

Jasper clicked his tongue, nudging the horse to speed up. Seeing that it was falling behind, my horse began to canter ahead.

I held on very tightly, trying to keep my breathing even as I lurched up and down in the saddle.

“This isn’t so bad, Leilani?” Jasper called out to me from up ahead.

The most I could manage to respond to him was an, “Uh-huh,” as I continued to hold on for dear life.

At the end of the path, Jasper came to a halt and let his horse reach down to the stream for a drink. Mine followed, and I quickly grabbed the back of the saddle, leaning backwards so I wouldn’t be thrown forwards into the water.

After the horses had a break, we headed back. My thighs were starting to ache, though I was enjoying the ride.

The woman from before was waiting for us at the farm. Jasper dismounted easily, taking his horse over and handing the lady the reins. He turned to me. I was still seated in the saddle.

Carefully, I took one of my feet out of the stirrups and lifted my leg over. Jasper held his hands out just in case I needed help, but I managed to get down. Both feet on the ground, I took a few steps back to steady my balance. The muscles in my thighs felt sore, and so did my ass. I rubbed my legs, as Jasper led the horse away.

A few minutes later he returned, walking with me back to the car. I slumped back in the passenger seat, rubbing my hands where they were sore from holding so tightly onto the reins.

Jasper sat down in the diver seat and turned to me, his face and eyes lit up. “Thank you, Leilani,” he took one of my hands and brushed my sore palm with his cold fingers, soothing the pain. “This was very special to me.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” I said, putting my other hand on his so I could get the coolness on both of them. “I did, too. It was scary, in a good way.”

“Good scary,” he nodded.

“Yeah,” I smiled.

“What shall we do now?” asked Jasper, starting the car.

“Actually, your surprise isn’t over yet.”

He looked at me. “What?”

“Drive,” I nodded my head towards the steering wheel.

Jasper laughed. “You’re incredible.”

The next part of the surprise was less exciting. Hopefully it would still be fun. Jasper drove us to my house, where I showed him to the guest bathroom and handed him a pile of comfy loungewear so he could shower and get comfortable.

I used the upstairs bathroom and changed into some pyjamas. I blow dried my hair, which I’d finally coloured dark blue. Looking around my room, I made the final touches, lighting some candles and making sure my TV was ready. There was a knock on my bed room door.

I opened it to see Jasper standing there in his own pyjamas and tucking one side of his wet hair behind his ear. He looked over behind me, taking in what I’d done.

“We’re watching _The Lord of the Rings_?” He grinned at me.

“You said they’re some of your favourite films.” I took his hands. “Come and sit down.”

He took a seat on the sofa, and I pressed play before going to snuggle up next to him, pulling up a blanket over us. Jasper put his arm around me, pressing the side of his face up against my hair.

Through the movie, we cuddled. A couple of times we kissed. I adjusted my position a few times, my legs still aching a bit from our afternoon adventure. Jasper rubbed my thighs underneath the blanket, which helped, though also left me tingling between them.

At the end of the first film, I ventured downstairs to grab something to eat. My parents weren’t going to be home until late.

While I was getting my food ready, Jasper came downstairs and sat with me and we discussed the movie at length. Then, when I’d eaten, we continued the marathon.

Jaspers hand was finding its way up my back, rubbing it softly. It felt like forever until the credits started rolling.

“Let’s watch the last one in the morning,” Jasper murmured.

“Are you sure?” I looked up at him.

“You made this whole day for me,” he touched my cheek, stroking it with his thumb. “I want to make this whole night for you.”

I breathed out, my heart beginning to speed up.

He leant forward and pressed his lips to mine, slowly moving them against me. His hands were on my waist, gentle, yet secure. I reached my arms up so I could touch the back of his neck and his hair, playing with the strands between my fingers.

Jasper broke off the kiss and lifted me up, one arm under my legs as I kept my arms around his neck. Gently, he lowered me down onto the bed, holding eye contact with me the entire time. Then the kissing resumed. I could feel my underwear dampening, and I knew he could probably smell it. What if I wasn’t what he expected? What if he didn’t like what he saw? I didn’t think I could take that when I was so vulnerable. I was beginning to get nervous.

“Tell me, if you want me to stop,” he caressed my cheek. “You’re so beautiful, Leilani.”

“Jasper,” I whispered, before reaching up to kiss him again.

A moment later, he pulled back, his hands sliding across my skin beneath my pyjama top, lifting it up a little Finally they reached my breasts. My breathing became heavier, Jasper’s cold fingertips finding my nipples.

I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation and wanting more at the same time. The muscles below tightened and ached, thirsty for Jaspers touch.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I pulled my arms through the sleeves of my top and took off my shirt, throwing it onto the floor. I shivered, trembling as Jasper ducked his head down and took one of my nipples in his tongue, circling it around while he used his hand on the other.

I hummed in pleasure, touching his hair. I tugged at his shirt, and he lifted himself up slightly so he could pull it over his head and discard it.

I’d seen him without a shirt before, months ago, but not like this. Not in my bedroom, with candles making his skin dance in the light. Not with the love between us.

He began kissing my chest and all the way down to my stomach. Hands on my hips, he slipped his fingers under the waistband on my pyjamas, meeting my eyes with his beautiful golden ones. Slowly he pulled them down, along with my underwear, taking in the sight of my naked body.

I shivered again, and he smiled. In a flash he had grabbed the blanket we’d been sharing on the sofa and covered my top half with it. I shuffled out of my pyjama bottoms, kicking them off onto the floor.

Jasper was kneeling before me at the end of the bed. He brushed his hands up from my ankles to my knees and then slowly up my inner thighs which I spread open.

“Please,” I moaned, wanting so badly for him to touch me.

“Yes ma’am,” he murmured, just before I felt his tongue pressing against my clit. He traced around the area, soft and slow.

I pressed my head back into the pillows, taking deep breaths as the pressure built up inside me. Jaspers hands were holding my inner thighs, keeping my legs spread open for him.

I felt my body melting into the covers, enjoying the feeling of Jasper’s tongue caressing me, my body constantly switching between tensing up and relaxing back into it.

Jasper going down on me was glorious.

Until it wasn’t.

The pressure stopped building. I tried to relax myself further, thinking about each part of my body and letting it go. My arms, my hands, my back, my legs. I was completely ready, waiting for Jasper to tip me over the edge. Why wasn’t I there yet?

All I could think about was how Jasper was making so much effort, and I wasn’t reaching my peak. I didn’t want it to be all for nothing, but I didn’t want to just stop.

God, that was our first time? My stupid meds and my stupid brain completely screwing us over?

I reached down and touched Jasper’s hair. “Jasper,” I whispered.

He hesitantly stopped, lifting his head to look at me. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s not gunna happen.” My voice cracked.

“I love you,” he said, stroking one of my legs. “Don’t cry.”

It was too late. I’d burst into tears. Fuck. Just because I couldn’t orgasm? I felt pathetic.

Jasper covered me with the blanket and moved up the bed so he could take me in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“It’s alright,” he spoke softly, rubbing my back. “We’ll work this out together. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Jasper.” I brought the blanket up so I wouldn’t get tears all over his chest, burying my face into the fabric. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising,” he touched my hair, running his fingers through it.

I stopped talking altogether, staying in Jasper’s arms and hoping he’d never let me go.

“Everything’s ok,” he told me, keeping his arms securely wrapped around me. “I promise, Leilani.”

I didn’t know what to say. He was so amazing, and I hoped he could feel all my gratitude and love.

Eventually, I fell asleep in Jasper’s arms, his soothing words and touches sending me into a slumber.


	18. Christmas

**Leilani**

I answered the phone to excited screaming in my ear. Wincing, I held the phone a few inches away until it stopped.

Jasper, who was sitting next to me on the sofa by the Christmas tree, grinned. We had planned to spend the morning at my house with my parents and then the four of us would visit his family in the afternoon.

“Ow,” I said. “Evie, what-?” I started to ask.

The words spilled out as fast as she could get them. “He proposed! Darren proposed!”

“Oh my god!” I cried, getting to my feet and heading out of the room, leaving my parents with Jasper.

Darren had been with her for a year, and they’d met at the coffee shop where they both worked.

“Did you say yes?” I asked.

“Of course I said yes!” Evie squealed. “He just asked me today. And I’m sending you a picture of the ring, it’s so beautiful. And you have to come to the wedding. We want it to be the day we met, on the 3rd March.”

I smiled. Getting married so young was crazy, but I knew it was what Evie wanted.

I listened to her gushing over the details and how she already knew a ton of things that she’d been thinking about since she was a kid.

“Can I bring someone?” I asked her.

“Absolutely,” Evie giggled. “I can’t wait to meet your boyfriend.”

After I’d hung up the phone, I returned to the living room, taking my place next to Jasper. “Are you free on the 3rd March?”

Before I could answer, I looked at my parents. “Evie’s getting married,” I announced.

“I’d love to go with you,” said Jasper.

“How old is she?” My mum frowned.

“Um, a few months younger than me, actually.”

She hummed, disapproving but also not saying anything else since it was none of her business.

“How about a nice cup of tea, love?” my dad patted her knee.

My mum sighed, standing up. “Leilani? Jasper? Tea?”

Jasper got to his feet. “I’ll make it,” he offered.

Her face lit up with a warm smile. “Are you sure? Thank you.”

“You want one?” he asked me.

I nodded. “Thanks.”

“Two sugars,” my dad muttered, checking his phone.

My mum watched him tapping at the screen. “Will,” she said sternly. “It’s Christmas Day. No one is working.”

“Harold sent me a document last night,” he said without looking up.

“He can wait one day.”

He ignored her for a minute, and then finally locked his phone and put it down on the arm of the sofa.

“I feel like I should have got you one of those phone jails,” I joked.

My mum laughed. “That would’ve been a great idea.”

“Until there’s an emergency.” My dad grumbled.

During dinner I sat next to Jasper and helped him out by stabbing my fork into the roast dinner on his plate whenever I could. It was tough, having two dinners, but it was a price I was willing to pay.

Every time he caught my eye, we both had to fight the laughter. By the end of it, I was regretting the belt on my dress that pressed into my gut.

My dad left to go to the bathroom, and my mum started taking the empty dishes into the kitchen.

“Oh my god, I can’t move,” I mumbled, hand on my bloated stomach, full of turkey, vegetables and Yorkshire puddings.

“You didn’t have to eat so much,” Jasper chuckled.

“It was a worthy sacrifice, for you.” I put my hand down on the table between us.

Jasper placed his hand over mine. “Thank you. It’s an honour.”

I laughed. He started clearing the table, helping my mum, definitely winning her over.

When we arrived at the Cullen’s house, Carlisle and Esme were at the front door. My dad shook hands with Carlisle and Esme gave my mum a hug.

Inside, Alice skipped over to us. “Let’s do the presents!”

“Presents?” I questioned, though I don’t know why I hadn’t expected it. They were rich after all, and Alice especially liked to go all out.

She nodded enthusiastically, beckoning us to follow her into the living room.

There wasn’t enough space for everyone, so Jasper and I sat on the floor. My dad took one of the armchairs, and my mum sat on the sofa next to Esme. Emmett was on the edge of the sofa with Rosalie between him and Carlisle. Edward was sitting in the other armchair. And Alice had moved the coffee table to the side and had placed a cushion on top for herself, though I knew she wouldn’t need one. I did though, and shuffled to get comfortable, smoothing my dress down over my legs.

Opening presents became a bit chaotic, as everyone began exchanging gifts and paper wrapping got discarded over the floor. I saw Esme opening a beautiful leather-bound sketchbook and kissing Carlisle on the cheek. Emmett was putting a gold necklace around Rosalie’s neck while she smiled.

Edward shook his head at Alice as she handed him a box. “I already know what this is.” Edward said, opening it anyway and taking out some expensive looking headphones.

“Leilani,” Jasper touched my shoulder.

I turned my head to see he had a small, neatly wrapped present in his hand. It was silver and white with a golden bow.

I smiled, taking the gift. “Thank you, Jasper.”

Flipping over the label I saw his cursive writing that said: _Merry Christmas, Leilani. With all my love, Jasper x_

Carefully, I slipped my finger under one side and opened the little package. Under the paper was a blue box and I lifted the lid.

It was a silver bracelet embedded with amber stones. I put it on, Jasper fastening the clasp for me. Unable to stop smiling, I held my wrist out in front of me, examine the beautiful bracelet, watching the light shining.

“Thank you so much,” I didn’t care that both our families were there. I kissed him on the lips, flinging my arms around his neck.

He returned the kiss, placing one hand on my back and the other on my leg. “I’m glad you like it,” said Jasper.

After the presents, Carlisle opened a bottle of champagne (it was the first time our families were meeting together and he insisted it was a celebration), and after that everyone was doing their own thing. My dad had a few drinks and fell asleep in the armchair. My mum was talking to Rosalie and Esme about the garden by the large windows and doors that led to the back. Jasper, Emmett, Alice, Edward and I were all taking it in turns playing a new video game.

When my turn was over, I looked around, seeing Carlisle picking up some empty glasses and taking them towards the kitchen. I decided to seize the opportunity and follow, bringing my own empty glass with me.

In the kitchen he put them in the dishwasher and held his hand out to take my glass. I passed it to him. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” he closed the dishwasher.

I hesitated for a moment, wondering if anyone would be listening. It was too bad, there was no other time to ask.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I said.

“Of course,” he replied. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I was just wondering, um, when someone,” I lowered my voice, just in case. “When someone transforms into a vampire, if they had injuries, that would be healed, right?”

Carlisle paused. He’d probably worked out my trail of thought. “Yes,” he answered. “Any injuries would be mended by the venom during the process.”

“So, does that mean, mental illnesses, would also be,” I trailed off, searching for the right word. “Gone?”

“Leilani, I want to say yes, but the truth is I don’t know for certain.”

I looked away out the window, folding my arms. “I see.”

“In terms of physical injuries or illnesses, those would be healed. And I’m sure any abnormalities in the brain would also change. There’s actually still a lot we don’t know about mental illness. And as for examining a vampire brain – it would be impossible to study because of how difficult it is to penetrate our skin.” He explained.

I chewed my lip. It wasn’t exactly the answer I was hoping for.

“This life is very different to being human,” Carlisle continued. “Depending on the circumstances, it’s possible to enjoy a wonderful life, as my family and I do.” He smiled, warmly.

“Ok,” I said. “Thank you, for your honesty.”

“Glad to help.”

We re-joined the others in the living room and I plonked myself back down next to Jasper. He didn’t say anything, putting an arm around me and handing me a controller.

That night, after my parents had gone home, I stayed to watch a movie with the family, leaning on Jasper and almost falling asleep several times. When the credits started, we departed up to his room. I opened my bag, taking out a notebook.

“It’s not really a proper gift, yet.” I handed it to him. “It’s something I started working on for you.”

He opened the notebook, examining the notes inside. “What is this?”

“Um, well,” I stepped closer to him, turning the page and pointing out certain parts. “It’s for a trip I was planning, if you want to go. This is where we can stay, and,” I flipped the page, a screenshot of a map lying on the paper. “That’s the route from the hotel-,”

“In Texas?” Jasper met my eyes.

“Yeah. I thought if we go in the winter, and only leave the hotel at night. And I started making an itinerary, but I need to know where you want to go.” I rambled. I couldn’t read his expression and couldn’t tell whether he was pleased or not.

He broke into a wide smile, beaming at me. “This is amazing.” Holding the book in one hand he wrapped his arms around me, lifting me up for a tight embrace.

I closed my eyes, my arms around his neck as I buried my face there. “I’m so happy you like it. I’m sorry it’s not a real gift. I didn’t know what to get someone who has everything.”

“It’s the best gift you could get me. I can’t wait to go.” He held me securely.

“It might have to wait until next year, until I finish my Masters.”

“It’s a date.” Jasper kissed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Hmm, I need to write the scene to announce the wedding on Christmas day.  
> Also me: Christmas? No, write a whole chapter about it!  
> I just couldn't have this part without the presents. Hope you guys enjoyed ;)


	19. Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day :D I'm so close to finishing now. I've already passed 50k. I can't believe it! Please enjoy, and excuse the typos. There's some more smut in this chapter towards the end.

**Leilani**

By the time March came around, I had been discharged from therapy but had to face the reality that I wouldn’t be handing in my dissertation for my Masters for another six months. After several more doctor appointments, a letter signed by Carlisle, and a few emails and forms, I had taken a break from Uni to return a few months later and finish my dissertation then. I’d be graduating a year later. I had no idea if my grade would be any good, but at least I had the extra time to finish my work.

The best thing was that I hadn’t had a panic attack since January. I was still crying occasionally, but not every day. And I didn’t feel nearly as miserable and hopeless as I did months ago.

On the morning of Evie’s wedding though, I could feel myself falling apart. I’d planned to wear a purple and black dress, but when I was trying to do up the zip, the material tightened around my hips and I couldn’t pull it up.

My heart rate picked up, as I took it off and picked up the next option: a sea blue flowing dress which went well with my dark blue hair. I still kept it short, covering my ears in the same pixie style.

When I tried pulling the dress up my thighs, it stopped. It wouldn’t budge, cutting into my skin. Shit.

Option number three, another purple dress of a different shade was no good.

Fuck. I had just imagined myself wearing the first one, thinking it would still fit me. I hadn’t even thought to try it on to make sure. The meds had said weight gain could be a side effect. I looked down at my tummy and thighs, touching the skin and realising my larger size.

My eyes picked with tears and I swallowed as my phone went off.

“Don’t panic!” Alice exclaimed at the other end. “I’m coming to save you.”

“Alice, thank you,” I said, relief flooding through me. “I’m too fat for my clothes!”

“You mean your clothes are too small for your body,” she corrected. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

Alice arrived as I was wiping my face with a tissue, trying to stop crying. She gave me a one-armed hug, a black bag draped over her other arm.

“This is just the perfect excuse to do some shopping,” she said.

I sniffed. “I’d really like that.”

She unzipped the bag and held the hanger up, showing me the dress. It was beautiful and purple with thin straps. “This is great, Alice. Thank you. Will it fit though?”

Alice tilted her head with a smile, raising her eyebrows. “Leilani, it’s me you’re talking to.”

“True,” I smiled.

We rushed upstairs and I got changed into it, letting out a breath of relief as it glided over my thighs and Alice zipped up the back for me. I turned around in the mirror, checking out my reflection. It looked so nice, the layers in the fabric hid my extra weight on my tummy. The dress flowed outwards too, so I wasn’t so conscious of my legs.

“You’re a lifesaver,” I gave her a hug. “If you ever need anything, please tell me.”

“I’ll remember that,” she grinned. “Now I need you to sit down so I can do your make-up.”

Alice expertly helped me look amazing, applying some purple eyeshadow and pastel pink lipstick. She made sure to use waterproof mascara and eyeliner.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive you?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s ok. You’ve done so much already.” One of my friends was picking me up at the train station at the other side.

“I’ll at least drop you off at the train station.”

There wasn’t enough room at the venue, or money in the wedding budget, so Jasper would be meeting me there in the evening for the reception.

“You look great,” Alice said, giving me one last hug goodbye outside the station. “Take this.” She handed me the lipstick, and a packet of tissues.

I laughed. “Thanks. Thanks for everything, Alice.”

“You’re welcome.” She touched a strand of my hair that had fallen out of place. “I know you’ll have a good time, Leilani. But enjoy yourself anyway.”

“I will,” I nodded and turned to go inside, giving her a wave.

* * *

“Did they find my earring?” Evie cried, grabbing my shoulders as I entered the hotel room.

“What earring?” I stared at her, startled.

She was wearing the long, white, strapless dress I’d seen in photos she’d sent me. Her red curls were braided into a lovely updo, and she was wearing a silver tiara. A single earring dangled from one ear with a sapphire.

“My earring,” she sighed. “My grandma gave me them and I can’t find one.”

“It’s ok. She’d understand,” I tried to comfort her, touching her shoulder. “You look incredible by the way.”

“I know,” she hugged me.

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” Evie said.

“We found it!”

I recognised the voice before the door opened. Taking a deep inhale, I braced myself. He was holding the lost earring, and swallowed when he saw me.

Evie didn’t seem to care, swooping in to grab the earring with a squeal. “Thank you, Lewis, thank you, thank you!” She rushed to the mirror to put it in.

Lewis and I glanced at each other with awkward smiles.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hi, Leilani.” He paused, “You look nice.”

“So do you,” I nodded.

Evie was still at the mirror, checking her reflection. I wished she would hurry up.

“I didn’t know you were coming.” I said, trying to make conversation.

“Darren and I hang out quite a lot now.” He replied.

Lewis looked different in a suit. I hadn’t seen him looking that smart before, his brown hair styled back with gel. He’d even shaved which had been pretty rare for him when we were together.

Evie turned around and I saw her eyes widen as she realised Lewis and I were standing together in the same room. “Oh, you should probably go and help Darren,” she said to him, ushering him out of the room.

She closed the door behind him, sucking in a breath and glancing at me with a grimace. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I assured her. “Don’t worry about me. Today’s about you.”

The ceremony was lovely. It took place on the ground floor of the hotel. The chairs had been arranged to face a raised platform at the end of the space. Evie had two bridesmaids – her sisters. As she stood next to Darren to say her vows, he cried, along with half the guests.

Lewis was sitting a few seats away from me and I saw him looking at me out the corner of my eye. I ignored him, watching as Darren placed a golden band on Evie’s finger.

As the two of them kissed, I stood up, clapping and cheering with everyone else. I kept looking up at the ceiling, blinking as tears clouded my vision.

I was so happy for them.

At the wedding breakfast, the tables had been arranged so I was sitting with people I knew from my old uni. We chatted a little, but I mostly sipped water just so I’d have something to do. I wasn’t very close to anyone there and I kept checking the time. It was only five and the reception wasn’t for another two hours.

After the food and the speeches (Darren cried again while Evie listed a hundred reasons how he was the love of her life), everyone posed for some more photographs outside the hotel in the garden.

Just as it was getting dark, everyone was sitting in the comfy chairs and sofas while they were setting up for the reception. I had finished my tea and was walking towards the bar to get myself a drink when the door at the entrance to the lobby opened.

I turned my head and saw Jasper walking in. He was wearing a black suit with a purple tie that matched my dress, and his chin length blonde hair was tucked back.

I stopped in my tracks, the biggest smile on my face. “Jasper, you look so handsome!” I cried, my heels clicking on the floor as I rushed towards him.

He reached out for my hands and I held onto his. “I’m nothing next to you, beautiful.”

“Come on, let’s go and meet everyone,” I let go of one of his hands, pulling him behind me between all the chairs in the lobby.

“Evie,” I called out.

She had been talking to her parents and turned around, her eyebrows rising at the sight of Jasper.

“Evie, this is Jasper.” I introduced them, giving Jasper’s hand a squeeze.

“Congratulations,” he said to her. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Likewise,” Evie smiled. She glanced at me, giving me a look as if to say _well done_ , and then excused herself to go to the bathroom.

“I’d really like to go and get a drink,” I started. Looking towards the bar, I cringed. Lewis was there and I had missed my chance to go there without encountering him.

Jasper followed my line of sight. “Who’s that?”

“Lewis, my ex,” I said. “It’s fine. I’ll just wait.”

“Actually,” Jasper smirked. “I’m feeling a little thirsty myself.”

“Wait, no-,” It was too late. He let go of my hand and had began approaching the bar. Oh fuck.

Of course, I knew Jasper wasn’t going to eat him, but I really hoped he wasn’t going to stir up some drama with a confrontation. Not on Evie’s day.

I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I saw them shake hands. Lewis laughed and patted him on the back. Then the barman set down Lewis’ drink and he picked it up, taking a sip and then walked away. He saw me watching and gave me a wink.

Taking a deep breath, I walked over to the bar.

* * *

**Jasper**

It wasn’t that I wanted to cause any trouble. I just wanted to meet the guy. Leilani had taken a long while to talk about him, and when she finally did, it wasn’t great.

From what I’d learned, he’d be the one to bring out some of her insecurities about being intimate. It sounded like he had expected a lot from her, even when she didn’t want to do anything. She said she had always consented, but usually out of feeling obligated, and worry over him being annoyed or upset.

He’d also, as she put it, _gotten sick of her shit_ , which frankly, pissed me off.

I walked up to the bar, standing a few inches taller than Lewis, especially since he was leaning against it on his arms.

“Hey, I’m Jasper.” I said to him, holding out my hand for him to shake.

He peered at me, surprised. Still, he shook my hand and nodded. “Lewis. Who are you here with?”

“Leilani,” I answered. “I’m her plus one.”

Lewis stared at me. His expression didn’t betray him, but his emotions certainly did. “How about that,” he said, jealousy flooding through him. So, he still liked her?

I smirked.

He forced a laugh, patting my back.

“There you go,” the barman gave Lewis his drink and he was out of there.

“Jasper,” Leilani came up to me, a hand on her face, stress clinging to her. “What did you say to him? What did he say? What happened?”

“Don’t worry, darlin’,” I touched her back. “I was just saying hello.”

“That was the worst ‘hello’ I’ve ever seen,” she said.

I ordered her a drink. “It’s alright. Well,” I paused.

She widened her eyes, impatiently waiting for me to continue.

“He still likes you.”

“How do you-,” Leilani exhaled. “Oh, of course you know.” She frowned.

I watched her, wondering what she was thinking.

Leilani shook her head and gave me a look. “You’re not worried, are you?”

I raised my eyebrows. Her emotions weren’t alerting me to that. “Should I be?”

“No, Jasper.” She licked her lips, slipping her hand into mine and looking up at me.

“Good,” I said, my eyes fixed on her irresistible lips.

The barman put Leilani’s drink down in front of us.

“Thank you,” she said, picking up the glass and taking a sip.

Two large doors opened nearby and the other guests started to make their way inside where the reception must be taking place.

“Oh, they’ll be doing the first dance!” Leilani smiled, filling with excitement.

We followed the guests inside. I could see Evie and her new husband standing in the middle of the dance floor, holding hands while everyone stood around. Leilani put her drink down on the side and I noted where it was, making sure to keep an eye out just in case.

The music started. All the love and happiness in the room gained in intensity as the couple began to slow dance together.

“I love this song,” Leilani whispered. She started swaying a little to the music.

I squeezed her hand, rubbing my thumb against her soft, warm skin.

A few minutes later, the song faded into another slow one and I lifted her hand. “May I have this dance?”

“God, yes,” she said, letting me take the lead onto the dance floor.

One hand on her waist, and one hand holding hers, we danced together amongst all the other couples. I wasn’t looking at any of them, though. I only had eyes for Leilani.

“You look so beautiful.” I murmured in her ear.

She giggled, happiness and gratitude floating off her. And love. “I love you.”

“Not as much as I love you,” I said.

“Not possible.” She tried to get closer to me, which didn’t work as she almost tripped.

I took a hold of her waist, lifting her onto my feet and letting her put her arms around my neck. My mouth met hers in a long passionate kiss.

I would have liked it to be longer, but the music changed again to something more upbeat and she let go.

Evie and her other friends were coming to dance with us so Leilani picked up her drink and sipped it whilst moving her hips to the beat.

It seemed Lewis was good friends with the groom, because he joined in as well.

Leilani tried to ignore him, dancing next to me while Lewis was on the opposite side of the circle. The bride and groom left to go somewhere and Leilani’s other friends started to disperse, leaving the two of us and Lewis.

Suddenly he reached over and touched her shoulder, speaking in her ear. “Can I get you another drink?”

I felt her reluctance and uncertainty, but she agreed, nodding. “I’ll be back,” she said to me, touching my arm.

I watched them depart, frowning, going to sit down on one of the chairs by the wall. I could still see the bar from where I was, and still hear them. It wasn’t a breach of privacy if they were in a public space, I tried to reason.

“What are you drinking?” Lewis asked her at the bar.

“Rum and coke, please,” she answered, folding her arms.

They stood in silence for a moment.

“I met your boyfriend earlier,” he said, leaning against the bar. “Seems a bit cocky to me.”

Leilani said nothing. Part of me wanted her to defend me, but I was also glad she wasn’t wasting her breath on that waste of oxygen.

She wasn’t quiet for long however. “He’s great,” she said.

“Does he do what I do?” Lewis asked, nudging her with his elbow. “That thing with my tongue.” He stuck it out and moved it around his teeth and lips.

I grimaced. They were too far away to feel their emotions, but I could tell Leilani was uncomfortable as she fiddled with the strap of her little black bag.

“That’s none of your business.”

“Do you ever think about me? I think about you. A lot.” Lewis admitted.

The barman put the drink down and she immediately picked it up, taking a mouthful. “Nope. Sorry.”

I almost felt bad for him as she shut him down and quickly walked back over towards me. He stood there, looking stunned.

I stood up to meet her and felt her disgust, awkwardness and guilt. She’d already had several mouthfuls of her drink. “God,” she muttered.

“Darlin’, you straight up murdered him.” I laughed.

“Good, maybe then he’ll leave me alone.”

I took her hand. “I hope you never despise me this much. I never want to leave you alone.”

Leilani relaxed and smiled at me. “And that will never happen.”

We danced long into the night. Lewis definitely knew to back off as he kept his distance from us. Leilani had a few more drinks, grumbling when I persuaded her to drink some water occasionally.

In the early hours of the morning, several of the guests had already left and Leilani said goodbye to her friends.

“I’m so happy for you,” she said, hugging Evie.

Evie looked at me and then back to Leilani. “You two are next.”

The girls both giggled.

“Congratulations, again. Thanks for inviting me,” I said to Evie.

“It was great meeting you,” she smiled, waving goodbye.

Outside, I had my arm around Leilani. Her coat was hanging off her shoulders and she shivered.

“Oh, thank goodness you didn’t bring your motorcycle,” she laughed.

I chuckled. “In this outfit?”

“You never know,” she said.

I opened the door for her and she picked up the blanket that was on the seat. “Eh? What’s this for?”

“For you,” I answered. “It’s a two-hour drive back.”

She snorted. “You mean six hours.”

“Ok,” I shrugged. It wouldn’t take _us_ six hours.

Leilani sat down and hummed, happily, feeling the blanket.

I got in and she turned to me, leaning back in the seat. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I replied, putting a hand on her knee and starting the car.

By the time we got back to my house, the sky was beginning to lighten up. We couldn’t really go to hers since it should’ve taken us a lot longer to get back. Leilani had long since fallen asleep, her face angled away from me and the blanket in her lap.

When I stopped the car, she stirred. I flitted to her side, opening the door.

“It’s ok,” I whispered, touching her cheek. “Go back to sleep.”

“I don’t want to go back to sleep,” she moved herself up in her seat and unbuckled the seatbelt. Leilani looked up at me, straight into my eyes. “I want you.”

I smiled, “You’re still drunk.”

“I don’t care.” She hummed, stretching. Then she reached her arms up towards me. “Take me to bed, Jasper.”

“Alright,” I picked her up, letting the blanket fall. I shut the door with my hip, carrying her up to my room.

I placed her down on the bed. She sighed, staring up at me.

“Tired?” I asked, knowing the answer anyway.

“Nope. Wide awake.” She slid out of her cardigan, pushing it off the bed and onto the floor.

Next, Leilani sat up, trying to unzip the back of her dress, struggling with the angle.

I circled my hands around her, touching hers. She lowered them and met my eyes. Keeping eye contact, I unzipped her dress and moved my fingers up to the straps, delicately pulling them down over her shoulders.

There was no bra, and I listened to her heavy breathing, watching as her breasts slowly moved up and down to each breath of air.

My hands lowered further, cupping her breasts. She leant forwards, reaching up a hand to my neck and face, moving in to press her lips to mine.

Her other hand slid down my shirt and to my belt where she started unbuckling it one handed. I decided to help her, removing my belt. Leilani pulled at my shirt, untucking it and fiddling with the buttons. I took over, taking off my jacket and shirt while she shimmied out of her dress and dropped it on the floor. She discarded her underwear, too, diving under the covers with a giggle.

I grinned, removing the rest of my clothes and following her. I could smell her and her excitement and lust were adding to my own, making me want her even more.

She lay on her back as I kissed her more, one hand massaging her breast. I stroked my thumb over her nipple, earning a small moan from her already. Her desire was building even higher.

My kisses ran down from her mouth to her neck as her pulse increased beneath my lips. I was so close to her vein, and I could feel the venom pooling in my mouth, the acid in the back of my throat. I swallowed it away, moving further down to lick her other nipple.

I trailed my fingers down to her soft folds, hearing her gasp at the cold touch, and caressing the area, her wetness sticking to my fingers. She moaned again, arching her back and then relaxing into the sheets. Leilani put her fingers in my hair as I sped mine up, rubbing her clit. She was breathing heavily, feeling so much excitement and tension as she got closer.

Leilani gasped, letting out a long moan as she reached her orgasm. Waves of pleasure ran through us both as I released a moan myself, continuing to stroke her as I moved my head up to see her relaxed face.

She squirmed under me, trying to get away from my hand, but I kept it there, feeling her continued pleasure as I rubbed her soft spot. After another minute, Leilani grabbed my wrist, pulling my hand away. Her eyes were still closed and she was smiling, so relaxed. She rolled onto her side, touching my chest and snuggling up to me.

“I love you,” she sighed.

“I love you too, Leilani.”

I thought she would go to sleep after that, she was so tranquil. However, after a little while Leilani sat up and put her leg over mine, sitting on them, glancing down at my erection. “Your turn,” she murmured. 


	20. Future

**Leilani**

Just like Alice, Evie could see the future.

On the evening of my graduation, Jasper and I walked hand in hand through Esme’s garden. The music from the house was still audible and the sun had just set, a blue glow covering the cloudless sky.

We sat down on one of the stone benches. I smoothed my purple and black dress out across my legs.

Jasper reached out and to hold both of my hands in his. “Leilani,” he started. “I want to tell you how proud of you I am.”

I looked up at him and listened, smiling and holding onto his soft, cold hands.

“You’ve worked so hard to get better, and finish your Masters.”

“I only got a merit,” I interrupted, though pleased at the compliment.

He shook his head, “A merit is amazing. You’re amazing and incredible, and beautiful. I never thought I’d find someone like you, who’d accept me for who I am and despite my past. You’re my best friend.” Jasper’s eyes shone in the light and he blinked. “Which is why, I in my – in _our_ future,” he squeezed my hands. “I want us to be together, always. Forever.”

Letting go, Jasper put one hand inside his blazer and pulled out a tiny box.

My heart thumped in my chest as I watched him move from the bench to the ground, onto one knee. He opened the box, revealing a silver ring. A circular topaz gem matching his eyes was set into the band.

I put my hand to my mouth, frozen as he continued.

“Leilani Westbrooke, would you-,”

“Yes!” I cried, cutting him off and sliding off the bench to wrap my arms around his neck.

We held each other tightly, my eyes wet. Slowly we pulled away, Jaspers arm still around me as he placed the box onto the bench and took out the ring. He slid it onto my finger and I hugged him again.

“I love you so much, Jasper.”

“I love you too, Leilani.”

Still kneeling on the ground, the two of us shared a long kiss. I touched his cheek, my new ring against his skin, our lips moving against each other.

Jasper tucked my hair behind my ear, which had grown out just past my shoulders.

“I couldn’t have done this without you,” I told him. “I wouldn’t be alive if you hadn’t helped me through everything.”

“You’re wrong,” Jasper said, stroking my cheek. “You’re so strong. You did all of this on your own.”

“You’re so loving and kind and generous,” I kissed him again. “I’ll marry you. And I’ll become a vampire, for you.”

“Don’t do it for me, darlin’,” he murmured. “Do it for you.”

I nodded, staring into his eyes. “It is what I want.”

Jasper stood up, lifting me up with him, up off the ground and into his arms. I buried my face into his neck, breathing in deeply, filling my senses with Jasper.

Several months later, Esme’s garden had been transformed. Arrangements of beautiful colourful flowers decorated white chairs.

I held a bouquet of purple flowers and wore a long white dress that trailed along the ground behind me. I smiled, my dad walking next to me down the aisle, whilst our family and friends watched.

At the end I could see Alice, Rosalie and Evie wearing matching purple dresses. Emmett and Carlisle stood nearby, dressed up in suits. And then in the middle under the archway was Jasper, beaming at me.

The moment I reached him, I took his hand, ready to become his wife, ready for our future. After the monumental struggle with my depression and my mind, I had made my decision.

I choose life.

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for reading and following this journey with me! I am so proud of myself for writing again and finishing this story. I really hope you have enjoyed, and want to say thank you for the lovely comments. It has helped motivate me and continue all the way to the end. 
> 
> For those that are interested, throughout the month I listened to a playlist of songs which helped inspire me to keep writing. You can find the playlist here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2NRsY2WbjLOAvUHOgDDy4Z?si=Y2WpCKJ7T_G4FDc3AB4f-w


End file.
